Chaos Attraction

I Just Suck

2012-10-24, 3:53 p.m.

In six months, I turn 35. And I am a total loser and that is not going to change. I wanted to be on the path to changing by then, but clearly I will not be.

Am I ever going to move? Of course not. You knew that. You probably knew that when I announced it for the first time. I am too much of a lameass to do such a thing. My shrink finally pointed out yesterday that if I am too freaked out to plan a trip to the place alone (specifically, driving around alone on the first time), I certainly won't be moving. I have financially fucked myself by not getting a roommate--and now having too much stuff to get rid of to even clear out space for one, and I don't want to get rid of most of it anyway. I have entrenched myself so far that I can't make life changes like buying a car, much less moving towns. And leasewise, I can't change this stuff for awhile anyway. Oh, and they are switching our pay around at work to biweekly from monthly, which will screw me up but mightily, especially when some places will NOT move when they do the automatic withdrawals. That is making me have meltdowns at work.

I should do the sensible thing, like this. It just feels like it's going to take forever to get me to that spot, and I feel like a lameass that I can't handle that shit when most people my age are married with kids by now. I'm a fucking 12-year-old.

There are some other things in life that are making me pouty and cranky and immature right now on top of the usual angst, which isn't helping. Wanting to reconnect with old/ex-friends that I can't really do that with, having others slowly drift off and there's not a damn thing I can do about it because they are Moving On, that kind of shit. I'm mad, but there's nothing I can do about it and talking to those folks wouldn't work.

I will probably not do NaNoWriMo either. I will probably do National Knit A Sweater month instead.

I want things to be different. But (a) fuck if I know how, (b) I still can't come up with a career goal I want to pursue, or at least one I'd be allowed to do combined with regular pay and health insurance, and (c) I seem to have done myself in enough financially to not be able to do it even if I could solve (a) and (b).

Isn't this the sort of crap your parents were supposed to teach you how to figure out? Mine didn't, and it wouldn't go well if Mom tried, but how the hell else do I learn these things alone?

I am just sick of myself. I want out of being me.

I am going to miss my deadline, and that massively sucks. And I suspect if and when I miss it, then I'll be all "what's the point of trying?" And really, what is the point of trying? This is all I'll ever be and it's all downhill from here.

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