Chaos Attraction

Holidate Review

2020-11-07, 7:32 p.m.

recently on Chaos Attraction
First Last Dress Rehearsal - 2020-11-12
Operation Christmas Drop Review - 2020-11-11
Costume Night - 2020-11-10
Green Screen Issues 2 - 2020-11-09
Green Screen Issues - 2020-11-08


Cast list as of November 2019

BIDEN WINS! BIDEN IS OFFICIALLY CALLED FOR IT!!!!!! Half the nation breathes a sigh of relief. I don't know what to think or feel, honestly. I may not be more relieved until January 21, mind you. And all of our nightmare continues with the coronavirus. But at least part of it might be over in a few months? Hopefully? Fingers crossed? As long as Donald doesn't throw some nukes on the way out? Interregnum time....

Watching Superstore this morning and I have thoughts:

I have never really been into Jonah and Amy as a couple. I like them in general, but overall I have always thought Jonah was a wee bit immature and nonsense-y for her and that if they were a couple she would eventually get fed up with him after a few months of dating. Well, it's TV, obviously the showrunners disagree with me there and they have always been the show's OTP...except now America Ferrera quit for whatever reason, so now they have to break up.

I will say it fits with the show. Amy was a pregnant teenager and "had" to get married, I absolutely see her having reservations about doing it again even if it's in a better situation. I think it is true that if she wasn't moving to California they wouldn't be having any kind of marriage discussion yet, but moving together DOES kinda bring that up as an issue. But the funny thing to me here (funny weird, not ha-ha) is that Jonah is the mature one here. As the show points out, he's been into Amy from day one, he has been all in, he moved in, is raising her kids, it's been a few years--and what the hell more do you need to know as to whether or not you'd want to marry him--at least at some point? Also: "AQUA SOCKS, AMY? FUCKING AQUA SOCKS? I HATE YOU, 2020!"

As for the farewell video: I loved Garrett's. Jonah's (obviously recorded earlier) kills everyone. ANd thenWait, Nico Santos can fucking sing like an opera singer doing "For Good?" WOW. OH GOD THE SELF HUGS KILLED ME. KILLED ME. Even though most of the time everyone is still obviously hanging out without masks and nearby each other anyway.... So yeah, it even made me sad and I'm not really into them as a couple. It doesn't feel right or wrong either, I guess.

Tech weekend: hoooooo boy. We did have an "unboxing party" altogether and took around an hour to set up the green screen and frame, which was not too bad, other than it doesn't super fit well in here due to width, which I expected. The frame is what, nine feet long, for godsake? It is so long it goes into my hallway. They also sent two giant lights, which was also not that bad to set up, but where to put them is another problem. I really have no room on one side for that, just on the other side. So for the moment one giant light is behind my laptop in the living room and the other is on the right side. They still want to see feet, but hahahahahaha that is not happening because I cannot go that far back with a wide green screen and not being able to go farther back on the table due to my giant work setup. I have the laptop on top of six books and two boxes and is extremely precarious as is if I try to go even higher....ugh. Here' s how the whole thing went today.

After that, they started the "let's go over each individual person" section, and they never got to me but got to almost everyone else, so I feel kinda bad-ish? Like I am problematic again? Of course, I am. I don't super care on the 'kick back and knit and read the news for most of the day" stuff, mind you, but it was a little weird to NOT get done and be told they'd do it tomorrow. I sent them photos of the whole setup. I would rather just take one of the bars out of the frame because I do not need it THAT wide, dammit, and I might be able to move things better. But that's up to them. I guess I am problematic as ever because I just could not manage feet (and everyone else is doing it), I'd have to get back like 10-12 feet from the laptop for that and there just ain't the room. With the green screen on they can only get to about midthigh on me here, which is officially worse than in rehearsal.

They decided to try doing a scene in the last hour of the day and I don't think that ever happened, technology-speaking. I guess we shall see how tomorrow goes.

I dunno how I am going to function in the house for over a week with all of this stuff.... it's very crazy. I stuck the lights in the meditation corner of the room (i.e. my papsan chair area of the living room) and had to precariously shove the screen to block off my hallway entirely and wrap the screen up so I could get back into the kitchen afterwards. Good thing I'm not planning on leaving the house much, hah hah.

The Leslie-Ron drama is still going on. The gift exchange happened. Few words were spoken. Leslie said she only said about two words and was trying to be polite since Ron brought Diane along. Leslie is also mad that she had to drive two hours and pay tolls to drop it off instead of "halfway" as she wanted. Ron doesn't get what the problem was. I ripped Ron a new asshole pointing out that what they did was hurtful and extremely rude and an obvious lie. (I mean, even if I don't agree with the whole situation, that is fucking shitty behavior. The closest I remember hearing of this bad was someone I used to know deciding to be "a homebody" and flaking out on a road trip on the morning of after months of planning.) And that I will literally never hear the end of this out of Leslie from now on and I really wish Ron had told me they were going to do this so I could have warned them NOT TO.

Also, Mom claims she never went to the baby shower.

And now I am out of rehearsal around children SO I CAN GET MAH DRINK ON WOOOOOOOOOOOO. I am drinking and making myself chicken and watching the Kamala/Joe broadcast.

And after that: Netflix is upping their holiday special game, so let's go watch "Holidate." This turned out to be a dirty holiday movie, which cracked me up no end. Look, if you want to swoon at the romance, that's a so-so, but if you wanna laugh at dirty holidays, this is a hoot. No official sequel yet, but who wants one?

Meet Sloane. Wow, someone is shown smoking in this movie and saying "Fucking holidays."
THIS AIN'T HALLMARK! "No man wants to marry a smoker. Who LIES."
"One sanitized manger!" is too 2020. Also that guy is the weasel bad guy from the Christmas Prince movies!
Kristen Chenowith is in this one and introduces the concept of the "holidate," "no commitment." They used to call it cuffing season.
Meet Jackson, on a "holidate" himself in which the mother shows photos of her daughter on her period and says he can sleep over. In a pink doll room. "Fuck am I?" he says.
Sloane, like me, prefers the singles table with the kids, while drinking vodka and sharing inappropriately about her boyfriend cheating on her with a girl named Rainbow.
Jackson just got...kinda sexually assaulted?! And gifted with the same sweater everyone else is wearing. "You said we weren't doing the whole present thing." "You know me well enough to come in my mouth, but not enough to give me a Christmas present?" He offers her $40 and she is all, "You think I'm a prostitute? I'll take $80." Jackson removes his sweater and runs for it.
Seriously, I'm barely in this movie and it's the most fucked-up romance Christmas movie I've ever seen.
So these two meet hostile while trying to return the clothes they got for Christmas, with no receipts.
Sloane reports "catching my aunt getting her cookie licked by a mall Santa." I DIDN'T SEE THIS! Unless this was Kristin...yeah, it probably was. I did run it back and, I didn't see that visual myself, darn it.
Sloane mentions that she can do ventriloquism AND had a thing for Urkel. This leads us to the immortal line: "Excuse me, I bought you a free pretzel, you owe me a free Urkel." I....dunno how great it is, it's mostly obvious lockjaw?
OH, THERE'S THE MALL SANTA. "That's the cookie licker?"
After being introduced to the holidate concept, Jackson suggests that they holidate for NYE. So this is more of an NYE movie, then? Hm.
Anyway, they enjoy being on a holidate and being able to say whatever shit they want and not to get slut-shamed.
Oh look, it's slutty Aunt Susan again! "Your tits look great in that dress." "That's what I said!" Her new date: "He made me the most perfect clay clitoris." Wow, I did that at a Beltane party once. "You have to see it." "Pass, thanks." "I'd LOVE to see that," says Jackson.
"No one is ever taking a break from dating!" Sloane says, pointing out the ridiculousness of romantic comedies.

"We wanted different things. I wanted someone to take home for the holidays. He wanted to text pictures of his cock to the girl making him his latte macchiato."

Sloane ends up trading dresses with a crying girl in the bathroom whose dress looks like it's covered in blood. "Don't ask." Other than that, it looks like a really fun date.

"I've Had The Time Of My Life" plays and by god, THEY ARE GONNA DO IT! I wish they didn't do such bad music cuts of the song in here, but otherwise this is fun. THEY DO THE LIFT!... AND THEN THE DRESS COMES OFF. "Nobody drops Baby on her head."

Midnight. Well, the dress-swapper got proposed to, at least. Sloane is not very happy. But tonight didn't suck! What about Valentine's, he asks. "You can't watch porn on Valentine's Day!" "You should ESPECIALLY watch porn on Valentine's Day."

Sloane runs into her cheating ex....and some other bimbo... in the candy store. Coincidentally, Jackson walks by. "Now I'll take my hand job in the parking lot, thank you." "What are you, 12?" YES, THEY ACTUALLY DID THIS. THIS IS THE DIRTIEST HOLIDAY MOVIE I EVER SAW (short of porn, I assume).

"So let's make it official. Holidates until further notice."

St. Patrick's Date: Jackson is giving her little brother golf lessons. Sloane points out to her sister that if she has holidates, then her sister isn't passing her around to everyone.
Easter Date: "Move Bitch" plays during an egg hunt. WHO MADE THIS MOVIE? I THINK I LIKE YOU. Aunt Susan is literally dating Jesus while in a Playboy Bunny outfit. "I like a man in fur," Susan says to Farooq, the doctor the mom keeps trying to fix Sloane up with, who is wearing a legit bunny suit. "I can't believe you're trying to set me up on Easter. With a bunny." Did Jackson just hint that his last ex wanted backdoor action?

Cinco de Dateo! In which they bicker over their sex lives and then guess what happens. They discuss uh, "forensic evidence" that a lady might find.

Mother's Date: Why the fuck do you bring a date to Mother's Day?!? Her mother literally tells her she's going to get cancer. She compares dating to escargot. Ewwwwwwwww. "Did you just compare sex with me to eating slugs?" Then they....claim they're going to go screw in the ladies' room. Whaaaaaaaaaat? Her mother is unamused.

4th of July Date: Aunt Susan, alas, has a terrible date this season. He also brought pot and everyone smokes it. Meanwhile, the men are....shooting at a guy in a boat? Does not appear to be actual guns, but um...fireworks guns? "What do fireworks have to do with a man's....anatomy?" Liz the prissy fiancee refuses to drop the f-bomb, and then when she does, she screams it. Then it catches on. Then Jackson "blows off his finger. A little bit." "Are you sure that's MINE?" Jackson asks when they find one. "It's my fuck-you finger! I can't lose my fuck-you finger!" Not to mention your golf career. Also, Sloane apparently is not legally driving, and high, right now. Then they get high in the hospital. "You don't have to lift a finger!" The nurse is all, "Seriously? I'm too tired to report you." Jackson continues to make finger jokes and then complain that the doctor is busy attaching someone's toe first. "If only you'd been a jackass a little earlier in the day." And the doctor doing it is Farooq, who also makes a "fingers crossed" joke.

Then they start getting feelings....but the next date is a Labor Day wedding. Which they are both invited to. Awkwardness ensues. They bring other dates. Sloane brings Farooq and Jackson brings....SUSAN. Who is Jackson's fingers? "I still can't flip a full bird," he complains. I...didn't need to see that. Sloane and Jackson snipe at each other. The bride and dad dance to "I'll Make Love To You," and suddenly Sloane and Jackson have an attack of the "WE HAVE TO SAY SOMETHINGS'S." Naturally, their dates have found each other. And especially their asses. IT'S TRUE LOVE.

"Any ideas for Halloween?" "Already on it." Halloween: ACTUAL CONVERSATION WITH SMALL CHILDREN: "What's a whore?" "Somebody who gets paid to play with boys." "I wanna be a whore." "Me too!" HAHAHAHAHAH LOVE THIS FUCKING MOVIE. Jackson's nameless doofus friend is dressed as "Black Panther" in a cat fur suit. York and Liz, the newlyweds are ah....well, she's Cleopatra, and he's "Marc Anthony" the singer. Luc and the latest are now pregnant, and Sloane loses it when she figures out they got pregnant on Valentine's Day.

OH GOD, SOMEONE GAVE SLOANE LAXATIVES. Gross. This leads to her yelling "JUST RIP MY FUCKING PANTS OFF!" in the elevator. "Don't let me be the girl who shits her pants." Oh god, I can't even. Later on he is her a shower of shame while not looking. Y'know, I haven't seen a romantic comedy with this level of diarrhea jokes since Two Weeks Notice. "I hate when people kiss in the movies. It's gross," Sloane says, and then they do it. And then they Do It. Um, how are they lying at opposite ends of the bed after sex? Did they 69?

Then the sister comes over freaking out that she kissed the Black Panther, and Jackson is out the door. Black Panther is sad Abby hasn't called. And invites himself to Thanksgiving... Um, dude, she's married with four kids.

Thanksgivingdate: Susan has a new one every time. She admits that she breaks up with them first because why wait for it to happen. Jackson and Sloane have a relationship-ending fight in the grocery store. Then Sloane outs Abby as having kissed someone else during an argument. Then Susan's holidate has a heart attack. Oh look, it's Farooq again. Susan realizes her pattern and apologizes to him. AWWWWWWWW.

Time to reunite at the mall! "Live is giving you a moment. Don't fuck it up," says the kid. I love how a kid just dropped a f-bomb and nobody objected at all. Then Sloane starts shoving people like, everywhere. Then a gospel choir ah, helps her get his attention and drop the f-bomb in front of the entire mall. She wants him for ALL the holidays! Santa wipes a tear. It works. "That speech was cockamamie," he says. The movie ends with happy couple stuff: mostly traveling, except for Liz getting a tattoo and the mom dating Wally. Black Panther ended up with.... uh, that family in the start of the movie with all the sweaters?!

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