Chaos Attraction

I Am A Rock, I Am An Island

2005-11-09, 3:03 p.m.

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From my favorite strange astro-poetry site, the Daily Fix:

mars rules
and
everybody is hassled these days
pressured
getting it from all sides
doesn't seem to be any let up
in the immediate future
each person
has to stand tall
and weather the storm
of planets
that test your endurance
both physically and emotionally
and you don't have to be
a fixed sign to feel it
everybody's coping
with enormous stress
from
the moon in a fixed sign over
mars, saturn, jupiter and neptune
in taurus,leo,scorpio and aquarius
when you look back on this period
you'll be proud of yourself
that you were able
to handle everything
as well as you did
but
while it's happening
if you can live in the moment
you're better off"

Yeah, I do seem to be feeling THAT today.

Found out this morning that my shrink is leaving the university.

This bums me out in so many ways. I've seen a few other shrinks here, but this one had experience in eldercare and knew what I was going through. Plus she's relly cool. Plus she was the one that ran the support group, so now that won't be going on any more either.

I am just sad. Yet again, I go back to not having any mental health options I can afford any more. *sigh*

In other depressing news... I can't really go into the details, but let's just say Mom found out some not-great things about one of her friends. Aforementioned friend hasn't done anything bad, per se, but there's an awkward, weird, and nonsensical situation going on that makes me think maybe she'd be better off uh, not associating with the person so much any more so as to avoid the potential drama explosion. But on the other hand, she has so few friends that in a way, she can't really afford to let anyone go, and I know she's not going to. Though even she knows there's just something weird going on.

She said at one point, "Maybe I should just stay away from other people, the way you do. I think you might be right that that's for the best."

Yeah.

I was reading Since You Asked (Salon link), which featured a really pissed-off woman whose son had had a horrible and permanently disabling case of meningitis, and her best friend promptly flaked off and abandoned her.

"Lots of people came through for us, but my "best friend" was AWOL. I got the feeling she was beginning to distance herself. We had a bunch of lame phone conversations over the next weeks, during which she said that she knew I needed to give all my attention to my family, so she was going to give me my space. When I said I needed her help, she said that she was going through a difficult time herself and was sorry that she couldn't be there for me.
Months later, it's as if we were strangers. Occasionally she'll call and leave brief messages like, "I'm thinking about you!" and "I miss you!" Recently, we invited some close friends and family over to celebrate our son's birthday. He's still healing from his illness, but we are so proud of how far he has come. I think everyone else got how special the day was for us. That morning, my friend called and bailed, with this story: She and her husband had argued the night before and she was "too depressed for a party." She wants to see us, she says, when things in her crazy, crazy life settle down."

Here's Cary's response in part: "People fail you, they do, they let you down when you need them, they get suddenly dense when you need them to be smart, they fold when you need them to open up, they close right before you get there and sleep through your honking horn in the snow. "I know she's in there, where else could she be? Why doesn't she come to the door?" People fail you, they do, they let you down when you need them. They don't say they're sorry because they don't even know. That's how dense they are. (And maybe wounded, too, in ways we can't see, but we're not in a mood for sympathy, are we?)
I say this speaking to you as a friend who himself has let people down from time to time but who will goddamn it be there in a pinch when it is really necessary, always always always, even if I am going through something. I will be there.
But that is so easy to say! "I will be there." That's what she said, isn't it? But she never had a clue how to do it! Yes, she was always promising to come through one day and then the day comes and you tell her in plain English, "This is your day! Your payment is due! It's time for you to be there for your friend!" and she can't hear it.
And then, when for one nanosecond it did indeed dawn on her that you really did need help she offered you ... space! Who in her right mind who knows anything about helping thinks that giving you space is helping? Giving you space is just being absent."
Someone later posted a link to this, which has even sadder stories of abandonment.

And people wonder why I drift off from people, and don't have my own little support network and crap like that. Believe me, nobody that hasn't already been there wants to be forced to hear this depressing shit, and will run like fuckall if they get forced to too much by you. I'm better off just not socializing most of the time and/or dropping out of most of society.

Oh, and by the way, reading stuff like this (also Salon) just infuriates me: "Single women spend tons of time rationalizing why its ok to be single, why it's because of all the unsuitable men, because it's "just as valid" to be loved by your cats and your mother and your girlfriends. As another poster wrote, a normal heterosexual --- male or female --- who has experienced deep, fulfilling, mature love knows that most careers and no material things could possibly hold a candle to the spiritual growth and emotional security that comes from a loving and stable relationship. The rare exceptions would be artists or scientists who are actually contributing something very important to humanity and are wrapped up in their work, but for the rest of us schlubs our careers aren't even close to saving the world. Marriage and children are the best ways to contribute to the future for the average person.
Men are just as necesarry now, if not for physical survival than for every other imaginable reason. Men and women need each other to become full and mature human beings, and remaining single is not usually an empowering feminist choice but a sad comment on the karma created by a lifetime of selfish pursuits."

Bugger off, bitch.


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