Chaos Attraction

Friends, Bieber, Forever, Puffs

2019-11-17, 5:27 p.m.


I spent all day doing errandy things and driving all over the Sacramento area looking for yarn. Yemi helped me figure out the issues I was having with one of the patterns I bought this week, so I felt ready to look for some bulk chunky yarn for the pattern. Looking online, it looked like Roseville had the best selection of balls I could buy in 600+ yards on sale at Joann’s. Great, right? Except when I got there, I haaaaaaaated the colors they had. The purple made my eyes bleed and they had no good greens. I tried to talk myself into buying them, but could not. I gave up and went to Michael’s, where I found a better green and a better light purple and a shade called “Sangria” for the coat in a soft Red Heart brand that had no dye lot! This was GREAT because ain’t no way I can find 11 balls of yarn in the same shade at any store, so I drove to 3 Michael’s overall cleaning them out of Sangria.

That was my priority today, y’all. That and taking pictures of ugly Christmas sweaters and a menorah moose.


I was out picking up yarn for the ski mask and going to the grocery store and when I got home, the psycho neighbor who left a Note of Crazy on my old car was standing out in the street waving his arms and glaring at me. I assumed at the time it meant “don’t drive over here, I’m out with my grandson in the street,” but I fear now maybe he wanted me to pull over and stop so he could scream at me for something. I just made a confused face at him and kept going down the street, because ain’t no way I want to talk to the guy. But fuck, now he can identify me and my car in great detail. I’m going to have to park even farther away from where I live now (shame really, because his house is a convenient space to park) because now he knows it’s me and he haaaaaaaaaates me. Fuck. I don’t need this shit.

It’s Merry’s birthday today, so I texted her and we had a a brief conversation. She’s not going to go to the last Pantheacon, but does have a big enough place to have a guest on the couch, so she invited me to come visit in March. We’ll see how that goes or if that goes, but I’d like to try it. I am feeling kind of broke right now after paying all dem bills though (I think I’m getting accidentally double charged on my credit card, but I’m so damn bad at math I don’t trust myself and I’m probably wrong anyway and I have been driving a lot so maybe I did spend $300 on gas?), so we’ll see. I told her that I’ve been in shows and there’s a guy (“mutual but in “it’s complicated” territory so far”) and she said she remembered me saying 10 years ago that something love related was going to happen about now. I feel sad that normally I would have told her so much more about this, but at this point we only talk a few times a year since she’s a Facebooker and I’m not. Sigh.

Jamie invited me and some other CC girls to come over and hang out and have lunch. While I did not get lunch because the only food that was ready before I had to leave at 2:30 was the bacon and the scones (sigh), it was good to hang out with those folks again since I have been totally gone from the CC since summer. I am seriously debating whether or not to go back to volunteering at this point because my interests are really more into acting and needing to be gone one night a week is an issue with that, but since it’s highly unlikely I’ll be in a show in the winter (see below), I might as well go back.

Rehearsal was in the afternoon and was supposed to go for two hours, but was more like three.

According to the script, the show is supposed to start out with the Justin Bieber version of “Little Drummer Boy.” I didn’t quite go all Scott when Laure decided to throw in “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life” upon hearing this, but I did start ranting about how I hate all funeral dirge versions of the song in which they sing/drag out “pa rum pa pum pum (pum pum)” instead of drumming it. To which he was all, “They have versions with drums,” and I was all, “I know, and I approve of those, but there aren’t very many of them, and I hate funeral dirge-y, and fuck it.” Yes, I said that in front of the children. They did not care.

I have down that someone (most likely me) made a comment that since someone now has a baby, if we wanted one it’d be easier to get than in Best Christmas Pageant Ever. Anita (who I’m told has directed that) snickered.


While talking about getting a pregnancy pillow: “Can we get one for Santa?” -Robert

“Here is my handle, here is my spout (dash) oh shit, I’m a sugar bowl.” I think Robert did that one. Abner later wanted him to do it again and Robert told him to do it.

Scott described Brooklyn as “a bunch of bums.”

After we scream out the hawking lines (Anita keeps saying to do it louder....), on Older Shirley’s line, “My voice is the loudest.” Me: “Which is saying something, after we did that.”

“You’re vandalizing my shop.” -Trent

Abner was falling down for fun, a lot, along with Jayden. Scott and I attempted to explain to them why this wasn’t a good idea and why actual leg breaking would not be fun. I was all, “I screamed for HOURS” and “I jumped off furniture.” Jayden bragged, “I jump off furniture all the time and I land right,” and “I fall all the time, it’s easy.”

“You’re not a big kid. If you broke two things, you’re not a big kid.” -Jayden to Scott (after the latter said he broke two bones).

“Mrs. Kornblum is such a scammer.” -me

Anita pondered having more sound effects going on during the hawking, like maybe breaking noises. “You want us to break things back there?” I said. Everyone else was all, no, bad idea.

Anita to the kids: “Do we really need to pitch you on?” (stage)

Trent: “Can Miss Glace smack them when they say asses?”
Robert: “I think Santa should do it.”
Scott: “I think you should give them a lump of coal.”
I forget who said that you could write down that they’re naughty.
Me: “I like the idea of Santa slapping on the neck.”
Robert: “Like Krampus, right?”

I saw Abner spanking Jayden on the ass.

I spotted Kenneth (an older kid) reading Forever by Judy Blume, and then had to explain to the adult males left in the room what this means. Later, Jayden wanted to read it: “I’m gonna read it and get scarred for life.” When he got interrupted, “I was just getting to the good part!”

“You’re louder here than you are onstage.” -Anita
“That’s a good point.” -Robert

Me looking at the manger: “Jeez. I wouldn’t put a baby in this. This is really, really splintery.”

Anita: “Shepherds, whiy were you late?”
Abner: “Evie, she was chatting with her friend backstage.”

“If I ran into you at the grocery store, you could say your lines instantly.” -Anita

“You never heard Drummer Boy like this before.” -Anita
“It’s even worse than usual.” -me

“For godsake, stop.” -Anita

After rehearsal ended right before longer than expected, I hauled ass to the Puffs audition. There were 24 people at it and they all seemed to know each other...of course they did. The director sounded like a fun guy (and had a license plate that I assume was his, “I DRECT”) and said he’d done this show before at a high school despite not knowing anything about HP, and he still hasn’t bothered to find out much about it, but he knows funny. It sounds crazy fun, you get to make up a monologue. Some folks play the same HP trio equivalent characters in Puffs, others just play a bunch of characters, and there’s a narrator. They can’t say some words legally. Like they can say “Harry” or “Potter,” but not both together, and have to refer to the “Puffs” or the “Braves,” or “Professor Turban,” stuff like that.

He seemed entertaining at least. Quotes from him:
“I love this show and I know nothing about Harry Potter.”
“There’s a reason we call this a play.
There are four different versions of the show: short, long, short n’ dirty, and long n’ dirty. He of course ordered a “dirty” version accidentally for the high school...
“Size doesn’t matter. Well, that’s what I try to tell them.”
“Keep it moving so you don’t get bored and throw things at me.”
“I’d like to say I’m different in rehearsal, but I’m not.” (Note: the artistic director said, “They came because they don’t know you.” I doubt this, though. I felt like most of them knew each other from the chatting going on.)
“Everybody wants an accent!”
“You know, as a director I panicked all day that no one would show up.” (Hah. The only time I’ve seen an audition with less than 20 people was at Death By Design, and I guess they got enough people to not want me....) Also, duh, HP, of course you’ll get a crowd.
“I thought you wrote a dirty word there.”

Several people dressed as Hufflepuffs/in the colors for the audition (kinda wish I’d done that, or at least dug up my “Where’s My Hogwarts Letter?” shirt, but I didn’t think that far ahead today), and one guy I remembered from Little Shop had on the “WANTED” poster shirt. He was the only one that talked to me, as he liked that I was knitting through the audition. He got asked to read a lot (he did a great “Snape”), so I assume he’s in. I recognized one girl from Gumbo (again, she was in *n* the last time I saw it), but she still doesn’t remember me, not that she should. Also she is actually, good, thin, talented, hot, etc.

On auditions for the last year, I’ve started wondering why I’m so easily ignorable/forgettable at auditions when uh, I don’t seem to be like that the rest of the time in life. Like random strangers I don’t even know that see me walking down the street find me interesting, but this doesn’t go at auditions? Sometimes well, I probably wasn’t the best or the most interesting or fit with the character, that’s legitimate. But maybe I am being too muted and normal and boring? I saw how most people in this bunch were either semi hammy or INCREDIBLY hammy and was all, well, I’m going to try to ham as much as I can, but it’s going to be hard to outham these folks enough to be memorable. I think I did the best I could (see below), it just didn’t work.

We (by which I mean most of them) read around six different scenes, multiple times.

There was one other girl there who seemed to be “the ignored one” along with me. She clearly Knew Someone in the audition who was clearly in the in group, but I don’t think that helped her. The director said he was going to have everyone read multiple times, but clearly we were the “forgotten” ones because she and I only read twice apiece and almost everyone else probably went about 4 times apiece, if not more (there were slightly less guys to girls in the ratio and of course, more guy parts to read). We both read in the opening scene in which everyone got about two lines apiece (mine: “Who’s that? It’s me. Hannah. I’m Hannah!” as she tries to copy Ernie Mac’s showy intro), and I got lucky enough to get to read the part of eeeeevil Xenia Jones, but the other girl was very afterthought “oh, here, go read 2 lines of Megan’s, we need one more body.” To be fair, she was just okay, but...y’know, still. Reminded me of The Outsider auditions (har, the name, ironic), but I only read once, at all, in that one. Same kind of thing there, really.

I hammed the shit up playing Xenia, which was great fun. I decided to Cruella de Vil it to some degree, yelled, chewed scenery, had a great time, scared the other girl, it rocked. I felt like the audience at least just didn’t do any good and I wasn’t asked to read again after that. Instead, the clique folks were called on again and again and again. I think in the end, I just wasn’t in their group and wasn’t going to be able to get into their group even if I did well. Or alternately, I guess those various scientific studies about everyone decides on you at first sight are real when it comes to auditions. Sigh. He said to let him know if you couldn’t make it to the callbacks (tomorrow night, I have rehearsal) and I didn’t even fucking bother, I just left.

Though I did see MORE HEARTS in the dang place, including a random Post It on a wall, so there’s that.

However, there are definitely benefits to not getting in this show:
(a) it sound really complicated/hard/no breathers/nobody is offstage for longer than a few seconds for the entire run of it.
(b) Rehearsals are in December, 4 nights a week, during the holiday season, which would mean no going on vacation for me, whatever I choose to do there.
(c) Also, it would involve driving for 45 minutes or more at night, during the worst part of rainy season, and the location was up a hill in a semi paved area with no parking and kinda divey drivingwise....So I wouldn’t miss being scared driving there and back most nights!

So, I’ll live. I think I’ll try to go see the show, at least, unlike the other ones I auditioned for where I didn’t really want to.

I got email the next morning saying that while I am still being considered for a part, there is no need for me to go to callbacks. Um, what?! Dude, just say you weren’t interested, I figured that out last night anyway. Oh well, like everything else in the Age of Ghosting these days, I do have to give him some credit for at least writing back instead of doing the typical ghosting. But don’t feel like you have to lie, I’m not that dumb. Whatever, dude.

I told Lioness about this and she said, “How are you supposed to get into the theater clique, then?” I said I wish I knew. Auditioning doesn’t seem to work. I couldn’t get in at the Comedy Spot despite taking classes and knowing people, so that didn’t work. But walking into Winters, everything was golden. Is it just a different group of people/climate here? I suspect this is a clique too or at least I’m actually IN it this time, but also they are very nice and accepting and not trying to limit the number of people or be exclusive (easy goal when nobody’s paid).

Realistically, I may never be able to get into shows at other places. Honestly, I don’t even know if I care about that really, I love it here, but since one way or the other I’m not likely to be in a show this winter in Winters, I figured I’d give this a shot. I am literally the smallest of small potatoes, even here. I’ll never be a STAR or anything like that (other than at karaoke). I may want to be, but clearly I don’t have whatever could make you one (talent, charisma, hotness), so...shut up and accept life as it is, girl. And remember, stars get harassed, stalked, doxxed, etc....oh, wait, so have I anyway....


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