Chaos Attraction

Nothing But Hallmark All Day Long

2020-11-29, 7:12 p.m.

So I totally forgot to post an entry for the 29th and I had it written and everything. So here it is.

You can tell I'm exhausted because I was in bed until 11:25 today and just don't have the energy to do jack shit. I didn't even finish "An American in Paris" and now it's offline and I just don't care.

I timed myself knitting a 4x4 square for the patchwork sweater project. It takes 27 minutes. Good job, me.

I know I should go outside today, but god, I just don't care about putting on enough clothes to go out. Or moving either. Or eating....Okay, okay, I dragged myself outside from 3:45-4:45 to pace around the patio.

I have decided that at the very least (assuming Mom never tells me what the hell else she wants for Christmas) that I'm going to send her the two cross stitches I've been making. I'm going to fold them up and stick them in a regular mail envelope--hopefully that works for postage and not having to go to the actual post office--and then I ordered her two frames off Amazon, along with the Meghan Markle Royal Hallmark Movie collection or whatever it's called. Mom doesn't like Amazon, but she'll just have to deal with it because I couldn't find the right sized frames anywhere else. I also ordered a bunch of Hawaiian merchandise from Hawaii since I can't go get any myself at any Hawaiian fairs this year. I had to spend $15 on shipping alone to order a $4 calendar for me and a $4 calendar for Mom, so I also ordered both of us an ornament apiece and got her a few books. Hope she doesn't hate 'em. So I guess I Cyber Sunday'd or what the fuck ever after all.

Otherwise, I have nothing to say but that I crafted and watched Hallmark movies off frndly TV:

Rocky Mountain Christmas: This one features Lindy Booth and Kristoffer Polaha, so that's actually great potential for a movie. Love those two in other things. Anyway: she's a New York interior designer for hotels who's been dating some famous dude who dumped her for an actress, so she decides to hide out at the family ranch instead. Her aunt was the town planner and died this year, so she's going to fill in on planning the parade and tree lighting ceremony....very last minute, apparently. Then an actor shows up wanting to hang out at the ranch for research purposes for a movie. She catches him trying to feed a horse a cookie. He's Graham, she's Sara. She's all, it's Christmas and the ranch is shut down, so....nope. Later they run into each other at a restaurant (after her brother is all "Uh, we could actually use some help....") and she agrees to it, if he helps decorate.

Sara's backstory: dad was never in the picture, mom was an actress dragging the kids around, the kids eventually hit their limit and decided to live on the ranch permanently. Oh yeah, and her ex. Graham doesn't actually have his movie starting for a few months, he just had nowhere to go and lost his parents in high school. Awwww. "The more I work, the less it hurts." AWWWWWW. I like how he and Sara actually have this chill, quiet, nice relationship and he's not any kind of ego-actor guy at all. Usually Kristoffer can do that whole flamboyant charisma guy thing well, so it's interesting he's not doing it in this one.

Then Graham's movie co-star Nicole shows up expecting to stay and "absorb the atmosphere." Graham looks completely "whaaaaa?" about it. On the other hand, Sara's brother is available and hot. Nicole says they were fake-dating for publicity, but Graham is really nice, but it never really got off the ground. That could have been a rom-com of its own.... Sara suggests that Nicole talk to her brother Cody about California or uh, stunt horsing or something (I suspect Nicole knows nothing about this, but she's willing).

A lot of this involves Uncle Roy, who is too depressed to decorate, and apparently keep working the ranch, for that matter. When the kids object, Uncle Roy says it will whittle down their choices in life to try to save it. I would like to mention that this show likes to mention snow periodically, but this is an actual Hallmark movie where so far it hasn't really done much snowing. Which is fine by me, mind you, but I'm just gonna mention it.

So hey, remember how the parade was canceled and now she's trying to start it up in like six days? Sara goes on the radio to ask for volunteers and the host is all "So who's marching in it?" and she's all "um.... the high school band....the Rotary Club...." To be fair, it's a small town, I sort of assume they may not have a huge number of options for marching groups. But uh, what about parade floats? GOOD POINT, SIR, I HAVE BEEN WONDERING THIS ALL ALONG. Now, I've never had the opportunity to deck out a parade float--maybe someday--but I assume it takes longer than a few days? So yeah, that's not a very last minute...thing.... Graham offered to go on the show and Sara declined and left him in the car, but he was listening on and it was excruciating, so he comes in and announces that "if you love Christmas as much as I do" and "I'm working on a parade float" and "I have accepted the position of Grand Marshal." In some other movies, some ladies might have been offended, but clearly Sara needed this. Also, he saw a sleigh in the barn so he's gonna deck that out. Good move. Oh look, they have an actual parade float! I guess they just like, had it out somewhere? Sara thinks of it as "one big hotel lobby" to decorate.

Nicole got Cody a stunt coordinator job!!!! I'm so proud! And then Graham gets a phone call demanding that he and Nicole leave immediately for some press junket. Oh, come on. Nicole realizes that Graham likes Sara ("you're not that great an actor!" "Ouch!") and they will be just friends and be cool. That's nice. But screw LA, he's staying and uncle has agreed to do the tree lighting at the last minute after all! It is obviously pouring rain for this parade, but at least some folks are out for it. Oh, now it's snowing. Sara decides she wants to run the ranch. Okay then. Well, nice casting on this one.

Christmas By Starlight:
Um.... what the hell is this plot? Annie Holt is a family law lawyer who wants to save the family cafe (the Starlight) from being torn down. The love interest guy, William Holt, is a self-absorbed joke/jerk and has been told by his daddy that he needs a lawyer AS A BABYSITTER TO FOLLOW HIM AROUND, WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Clearly Dad can't fucking stand his kid and is already threatening to sell the company rather than hand it over to William. When Annie accosts William about the diner, he offers her the babysitting job (note: I typo'd and said "babyshitting," hahahahah) for a week and says he'll help her afterwards, and I guess pay her 2 million? I think that was said? This feels very Two Weeks Notice, but what the fuck, Annie goes for it. I will note that this guy ALSO ALREADY HAS A BABYSITTER, he's just not a LAWYER babysitter. Huh? What's with this movie?

"Let's be honest, 400 years is a pretty decent life," Mr. Holt says, regarding his family company bulldozing a bonsai tree. Annie can't even take this and starts promising that they're gonna throw a party and donate some cash. Daddy Holt is cool with this and forces William to deal with it. This is amusing because for once, we have a main character who is NOT A PARTY PLANNER (by which I mean Annie, of course). "If we buy a Christmas tree, the rest of the party will magically fall into place?" "A girl can dream."

Annie SUPER hits it off with the guy at Will's business lunch, bonding over dogs and Annie even gifts him a dog outfit. It's so cute! Annie works in family law because she herself is adopted. Annie assumes that William was a prom king popular type. He shows a horrible photo of himself instead. Um, NOPE. I like the figure skating photo of herself she shows.

According to a commercial, the leads of this movie actually wrote it themselves. That's impressive. Haven't heard that before with Hallmark. We are told that Will is "just a chicken finger guy at heart" by Lyle's SO. LOOK, THERE'S ANOTHER GAY COUPLE IN HALLMARK, BUT THIS ONE DIDN'T GET PUBLICIZED. (Though good luck finding a caterer in a few days in December, which seems to be what that was about.) Anyway, I enjoy how Annie hits it off with everyone she dines with. Annie and Will go to that guy with the dogs' party. She is wearing a Christmas tree sweater, which Will hates and the guy's wife is all, "I have that sweater! Let's go look at dogs now!" I love how in the next scene the couple has clearly run out and found their sweaters they hadn't gotten out yet.

Will comes over on Saturday morning, ingratiates himself with her parents, and goes to the cafe. Will literally just keeps following her around like a puppy. Like she is literally all "I'm gonna go home to feed my dog" and he's all "Can I come?"

I'm sorry to say that that is some really bad Photoshop on Annie's mantel. I am not shocked to hear that the last minute caterers just canceled. Who the hell did she get, anyway? OH WAIT, SHE'S STANDING BY A FOOD TRUCK. Anyway, William does nice things for her, brings up the idea of not mowing down the cafe to his dad, to which his dad is all ... not gonna, and oh, btw, she's a fake babysitter or whatever and you aren't doing the planning? But I helped, Will says, and dad careth not. "Best fake job I ever had." LOL. Anyway, obviously Will did not stop the demolition, Annie is mad, her dad is very sanguine about the whole thing. William finally gets on the stick and calls someone about historical designation. He filed a petition, which puts demolition on hold. Good job, Will! Also Will is all "I'm gonna quit if you do that." And here we are with the Traditional Christmas Grovel. This somehow makes his dad willing to hand over the company after all. Lyle the assistant also gets a title/promotion. Huzzah!

Time for Me to Come Home For Christmas:

I can't recall if I have seen this or not. Maybe I saw the last half of it. Josh Henderson, who I will always remember as the attitudinal John Ross on Dallas, is now a country music singer going by "Lee" (it's "Leland") in need of a hit. "We both know dealing with feelings isn't your strong suit," his sister hisses over the phone. Meanwhile, this girl Cara is trying to expand her homemade food business(?) and gets rejected. Both of them are attempting to get to Tulsa in bad storm weather. She is a "showtunes girl" and vaguely thinks he looks familiar but doesn't pay attention to country music. They compare hometowns and whatnot.

"I don't know how, but I think I'm getting beat by the reindeer." -Lee on playing cards with a child and his reindeer. "I figured hot buttered rum is a nice substitute for hot cocoa." Wow, alcohol in a Christmas movie! Who woulda thunk? They both establish that they lost a parent this year, so it's A Dead Parent Christmas for both of them.

Honestly, I do not know what to make of him singing. His singing voice is... not what I expected for Deck the Halls. Oh, wait, his name is Heath, not Lee? I'm so confused. I'm also amused by her sister being all "I never met anyone famous in New York and you met someone in the airport?"

Heath and Cara elect to take the bus out of Chicago. Coincidentally. Separately. Oh, Lee IS his real name. "You didn't recognize me, big deal." Across the aisle from them are a country music couple Lee's dad was into. They're trying to get to a gig at Kringle's Christmas Village. After Lee joins them for their gig, they hook them up with a rental car agency. And then end up at a random crafting party. So they finally get "home." Lee offers Cara money for her business since the bank turned them down and everyone gets all huffy and offended about it. Oy. The banker guy caves in after Cara adds Christmas decorations to the candy bars he previously rejected (seriously?!). Lee came over to apologize, saying he wanted to help her like she helped him. D'awwwww. Lee figures out his song and there you go. It’s all right. The guy is at least entertaining.

The Christmas House:

This starts out with an episode of "Handsome Justice," which is incredibly LOL. Don't we all wish we could wind up our court cases so quickly? I'm already amused by the lead guy (Major on iZombie). "Have you seen the ratings?" "We almost beat that pet detective show!" Anyway, sounds like they expect cancellation...UNLESS THERE'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

Speaking of: Mike's family wants him to come back and decorate the house again, something they haven't done in quite some time. (I read later this is based off the lead actor’s family house...) I'm guessing they used to be one of those houses everybody went by at Christmas. I always wanted our house to be one of those, except Dad got grumpy stringing up one strand of lights.

Oh, is this the one with the gay adoption couple? I believe it is! I support gay love on the Hallmark Channel! Poor Mike: nobody watches his show and his bag has been lost. "Oh my gosh, it's Clint Handsome! Can we get a selfie?" his relatives swoon. LOL. I like this movie already. Meanwhile the brothers obnoxiously race through the airport to ... drive the car?

"Mike, you really delivered on the garland fluffing that year." You know what we have now that they didn't have when you were young? INFLATABLE LAWN DECOR. And also you have to make 12 of everything this year. "Will Majestic Mike" (his teen magic act) "be performing this year?" Mike's eyes bug out of his head when the teen girl of his dreams (Andi Cruz from next door) is in the house...and my, my, Mike is in a VERY TIGHT high school shirt and puts on his mom's apron to cover up his builtness. Come on, dude. "I gotta put on something, literally anything else...." Andi is sad to miss out on all of his other high school clothes now that his luggage arrived. "I'd like to point out that we're way too old to be tattling." And speaking of uh....Andi's helping them sell the house?

Meet Noah, Andi's kid. He's kind of a snot. And a blabber ("I always knew there was someone special about that guy." "Must have been the other guy from high school that's on a TV show.") Oh, wait, he's all snotty because Andi quit their stage show. Thaaaaaaaaat's what this is about? Meanwhile, the brother is wondering why the hell Mom wants to come visit him....alone...."Girls trip?" "What do you call a tree that knows kung fu? Spruce Lee." Awww, "Handsome Justice" got canceled.

"That garland's not going to fluff itself." "Fluffage is a technical term." Andi gets a call: "Is this an elaborate scheme to get out of fluffing garlands?" The trees have themes. This reminds me of Deacon Dave, who is not decorating this year. It's all so sad. YEP, THAT'S A GAY KISS ON HALLMARK!!!!!! "Do you think we'll decorate like this when we have kids?" "Absolutely not."

Mike has to do an ad for "Grift Body Spray." "It's all pretty weird." "Justice never smelled so good." "I think your job is very strange." "Then my work here is done." Noah wants to take up the family mantle of magic tricks, Mike will assist. I love how this show loves to be utterly hokey about Mike's TV work. He does a deadpan hilarious ad with Noah for Andi's business. "It would be nice if the face of my business was my own," Andi points out, and says she'll have her people call his people. Mike takes this pretty well, all things considered.

In all honesty, I don't particularly like Andi (don't really dislike but don't like super much either). She seems kinda flat? Like I just don’t get her having any hormonal interest in Mike, and Mike is a damn hottie. Hey, don't you think our parents are being weird, Mike says. His brother blows it off. Bro is all "second chance with Andi!" and Mike is all, we never had a first chance. Mom breaks the news that she and Dad "are moving to separate places." DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMN.

"You know, I actually spent 3 months believing I had magical powers...until the snow melted and we found the watch 3 months later." "I knew it! You caught feelings!" "It's Christmas! Where is the magic?" Mike is having a nervous breakdown: lost the best job he ever had, parents are breaking up, brother keeps whispering, and he doesn't know about Andi. Brother confesses they're waiting on (yet another) adoption to see if it happens or not...the last three haven't. "It may hurt, but you will get through it." "You read my journal?" "You expected me not to?" Seriously, this family is really fun to hang out with for 2 hours. "You're going to make a decent uncle."

Seriously, Mom is resentful that her husband has been enjoying retirement and she is.... not. The guy who owns the magic store is interesting in buying the house. Mike follows them around trying to sink it. Y'know, I can see why Andi finds him annoying. "Ghosts?!"

It seems like both of them thought the other quit the act...???? "I have watched every episode of Handsome Justice. That episode where you defended the dog accused of murder? Watched it twice." Now that's love. I guess.

The adoption came through! "Now who's your favorite son, huh?" Wait, the show is un-canceled! As long as you "freshen it up," whatever that means. But Mike is all "never mind, gonna put a lot of people out of work to go back home again." I'm deeply impressed by Mike's glitter wardrobe for the magic act. And even Andi glittered up for the occasion. I am happy to report that I guess Mike finally found the lost necklace he was going to give to Andi. That said, he seems so into performing that it makes me sad that he apparently has to give it up to go home...I know, that's usually the girl's job in these movies.

Somehow nobody ended up buying the house..."the offer magically disappeared." Wait, now Mike wants the house...but they're gonna have a Handsome Justice spinoff in New York rather than LA! Well, okay then, I'm glad he's not quitting acting. I feel better now. Here's the Grift body spray ad! "Even Santa wants to smell nice!"

I really like this one, except for Flat Andi. The family is really fun to hang out with for two hours, plus gay loving! Plus the guy from iZombie whose last name I can’t remember is fun.

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