Chaos Attraction

The Lack Of A Pack

2003-12-02, 11:12 p.m.

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I stayed up all night last night, which is how I ended up talking to Heather at three in the morning about random stuff, including how annoyed I am at uh, certain folks. And she was saying how some people, like herself and presumably Dave, HAVE HAVE HAVE HAVE to have large groups of people around them at times. They crave it, they must have it, and even if the people they are hanging out with are ones they don't like, they just need people. Period. Must. Have.

I have to admit that I don't relate to that very much. I'm jaded on jackass friendships by now anyway, but I can't imagine needing that many people so badly you'll put up with whatever. It's one thing to uh, do that shit with regards to an ex (she says humiliatedly), but just plain friends? But also, having a large pack of friends with which to travel about hasn't been an option for me for a long time now.

Ironically, I was popular in elementary school, traveled with a pack (Pack A), then got fed up with them and moved on to another pack (Pack B). Which was fine at the time because my best friend in Pack A was becoming a rude bitch and calling me names, and I had enough of that and moved on to nicer folk. Which was good at the time, but became my downfall later that year when we all got out of elementary school and every member of Pack B but me went to another middle school and Pack A and I continued on to the traditionally attended middle school by those in our area. I fairly quickly managed to end up in a loose Pack C, but Pack C was uh, much farther down the popularity scale, and again, there was a split upon the end of middle school. Anna and I went to the other high school, while everyone else went to the usual high school.

And that's where the pack system pretty much failed out for me. I had friends scattered about between the different grades and clubs and classes I was in, but there wasn't much overlap, and most of the time well, I was a loner nerd, I guess. I had packs in college again, which was a big relief, but I had to well, bail out of my last pack a few years ago and have been pretty alone ever since.

It bothers me, but on the other hand, it's been a long time for me since I had a pack to count on. And frankly, if ever came a time one night when I DESPERATELY needed other people around for company that very night and I was alone, well... I have no one to hook up with. No one to call, no parties to shove my way into, not enough nerve to push my way into some fratboy crowd in a bar, and the few friends I had were either out of town or busy.

So I entertain myself, as I always have, and it doesn't bother me. If I need people, I don't really NEED people. I can function on my own. Yay only child-dom. And I guess that's why I'd rather not hang around people who are pissing me off just so I can go out. But as Heather put it, Dave wants to go out, he doesn't want to hang around here with nothing to do but go to a movie, he wants people to hang out with. ANY people will do.


I guess what annoys me is that I have to fake that I want to be with them, while meanwhile wondering what side of the bed Jeremy's going to wake up on this morning and how that's going to suddenly change things if he's in a bad mood again, or needs a ride, or whatever.

Talking to her sometimes, I just feel like the biggest fucking nerd on the planet. I don't mean this to be that she's being mean or something, because she's not like that. It's more like, I realize how lame I am. She has a pack of friends to go out with whenever the hell she wants, she has fun whenever she wants. I always wanted to be this big-time party girl (don't ask me how that would happen when I'm sotally tober), and I already missed my time, as it were. I had about a year to a year and a half of good parties and then pffft. And then there's all the great, cool, wonderful things about drugs (she was into them as a teenager, got over it) and how the thing is that doing drugs doesn't make you cool, but they vastly improve your personality so everyone wants to hang out with you because you're not so uptight...

Then again, well, I'm a nerd. What do I expect, really? Brains - social skills - conventional looks = nerderrific!

I feel kinda jealous. I still have no interest whatsoever in taking up anything illegal, mind you, but hearing stuff like that does make me feel lame. Rather like the ex going on about how I was so sweet and innocent because I'd never used, or my ex-best-friend telling me how she'd been a huge nerd in school until she took up drugs and sleeping around and then everyone loved her.

Mainly, I have just never seen how the temporary fun of the drug high wins out over feeling like the dog's dinner, puking on the floor afterwards. I REALLY hate puking, and you couldn't pay me to puke when I absolutely didn't have to. And I know my tolerance is crap, so... why mess with it? Why give it a try and get hooked on trouble?

In other news today, I planned on getting my packages mailed this week (eek, while I still can- I'm not sure when they shut down the post office for the month, but could be as soon as next week), but first I had to get cash from the ATM. And dammit, that thing broke today, so nothing got done. Bleah.

Did go out writing with Jess tonight, and we got a lot done. Yay me. So far I think the Saturday Thank God It's Over party is gonna be a go, so Dave gets to be dragged along. Hope I don't bore the crap out of him there, but I've never gotten to go to one of those things before!

Oh yeah, and finally? Look at these. I am in love. And I'm getting them! Woo!

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