2012-12-02, 8:03 p.m.
recently on Chaos Attraction
We are having a giant series of rainstorms in California this weekend. This should normally be a cosmic hint from the universe that everyone should stay home, but ah.... not so much if you're me or related to me.
On Thanksgiving, things did not go so good with my relatives this year. So Mom and I scheduled a special double session of emergency group therapy with my shrink in Sacramento for Saturday morning. This meant that Mom had to drive up here on Friday night. And what with ah, going to some of her friends' houses and visiting and whatnot, she didn't leave until, well, I think I had gotten out of the theater by then... she got to my house around 11. I am amazed that she made it here, really.
Hell, I'm amazed we made it to Sac the next morning. I gather my shrink had put the fear of God into Mom about being late to the point where she insisted on leaving an hour and a half before we had to be there (note: I live about a half hour from there). It was pretty scary driving over because there was so much water being spit up from the other cars (especially all the giant trucks on the road. I don't mean the giant supply trucks, I mean just the regular ol' monster trucks). But we made it 45 minutes early and sat in the car while Mom did her assigned "homework" for my shrink about what her expectations are about my relatives' behavior when they are not naturally warm and friendly chatters.
When it came to the family stuff, the shrink thinks that my aunt may possibly have not intended for us to take the hint and leave early--well, maybe. Mostly she just pointed out to my mom that my aunt isn't capable of being warm and friendly, and trying to get that sort of reaction out of her isn't working, and she needs to get that elsewhere. Alas, we ended up wandering off topic/getting onto stuff involving me more in the second act, so we never really got to the point of figuring out a game plan for how to handle future holidays. Sigh. Maybe later.
As for the me stuff, it involved the idea of me someday moving to LA and well, how I am unlikely to do so without assistance in the future and how Mom should be helpful about this rather than not. I...am really not in the mood to talk about that. We debated going down there during the holiday season, then in the end, it's not going to happen. (And probably shouldn't bother unless I come up with a plan and a goal and all the stuff that I haven't been able to figure out in the last five years.) Okay, theoretically it's postponed to May, but I'll believe that when it actually happens. Talking optimistically hasn't gotten me anywhere on that score, so why bother.
Mom spent the night here due to rainstorm, and she made me sit through her watching of Joel Osteen. Which kind of gets on my nerves because on the one hand, dude comes off as cheesy and I hate TV preaching stuff and his last name gets on my nerves and I'm pretty sure the Newlins on True Blood had to be based on that dude and his wife. On the other hand...aside from the Jesus and the megachurchin' and whatnot, he doesn't say shit that sounds terribly wrong either. It's irritating. Anyway, today's sermon wasn't quite on The Power Of Positive Self-Talk (to his credit), it boiled down to, "If all you can think to say is how you can't do it, at least shut up."
...Yeah, I'm not terribly good at that last one. I don't go around telling people I'm going to move to LA any more (L doesn't even know this subject ever came up in my life, which seems odd, but why bother telling her when I just make an ass of myself now), but otherwise I feel like I need to admit it to myself and to those I talked it up to that I was bullshitting myself and not paying enough attention to the practicalities.
I will never be moving. Not because I don't want to, and not because I say I will or because I say I won't. It doesn't matter what the fuck you say, you can say anything. The only thing that matters is what your actions are. And if I can't manage to take serious actions on this shit, then nothing will ever change or happen. End of story.
I can't stand being in limbo on this subject any more. If I can't choose to go--and I've been trying to choose that and it's not going-- then I need to choose that I will stay.
Before this whole emergency session thing happened, L and I had planned on hitting a couple of craft fairs: a possibly dubious one I heard about while I was at Kaiser that was running at the Woodland fairgrounds, and the guaranteed super awesome one happening at the art center here. Since Mom was here, she went along too. Happily, she and L got along, so there is that. The Woodland fair...well, let's just say it was amazingly not well advertised--I could barely find that it was existing, and I sure couldn't really figure out what their hours were online, or even if it only ran one day or two. At least until we drove up and saw the sign, anyway.
Indeed, it ah... wasn't that great... but not as bad as I was expecting it to be. Sure, there were also booths dedicated to selling Tupperware and Avon and some other random "sell jewelry out of your home" companies. Not to mention, ah, the old ladies selling scrubbies contingent that you normally only see at old folks' craft fairs. (I don't really get the appeal, I gotta say), And some folks who were ah, relative noobs to crafting and selling and finishing off their work in a secure manner. L was like, "I would have been mad if I had to pay to get into this." True dat. But there were some crafters here and there that did good work, some awesome Mexican pottery and glass fusing, and L even bought some ah...beetle earrings. (I saw this girl's work in Grass Valley last week. On the one hand, the beetle parts are a brilliantly colored green that is stunning. On the other hand...you're wearing beetle parts. L has less of an issue with this than I do.) Yeah, I probably wouldn't come back in the future, but it wasn't a complete waste, so that was nice.
Happily, I was able to blow her mind and Mom's by taking them to the Art Center fair, which is awesome. I hit my favorite booths for cute glass items (barrettes and beads and a ring), bought L a Hanukkah present of posters that she liked, and L also had a lot of drooling fun looking at the bead booth and the skill put into the work. Mom wasn't as into it--I warned her that you need to take your coat off in this place because it is boiling hot, and she insisted on keeping hers on and zipped up. Then she felt nauseous and wondered why. Well, what can you do.
After that, we dropped L off so she could get some work done and Mom and I hit various food stores, mostly so I could get lunch fixings and she could look for exotic foodstuffs at Trader Joe's and Cost Plus. And we went to the hardware store because when he was over last week, Mauricio, ah... somehow "broke the throne." I don't know what he did in there and god knows I wouldn't ask, but somehow the screw holding down one of the sides of the toilet seat came loose and sitting was kind of a quakey experience. I had no idea how to fix the thing, so Mom went at it, thank god. We had some exotic foodstuffs and did a little TV watching. I am glad she stayed over on Saturday because I wasn't too thrilled at the idea of her driving out in THAT. I mad her not leave until the sun came out again.