Chaos Attraction

To Apply Or Not To Apply

2015-12-04, 8:08 p.m.

I previously mentioned that there was the possibility of getting hired full time for a job working on ah, teapots. Well, that finally went online yesterday. I don't see anything blatantly ruling me out of it in the ad, it's not a contract position, nothing like that.

Anyway, here's the pros and cons list of applying:

* I really want the job.
* I actually qualify for it and I qualify for very few things any more and applying for things out of my expertise isn't flying.
* It'd be a raise, something I've been told I'll never get here again.
* It would get me out of doing the aspects of my job I don't like.
* I wouldn't even have to go to a different office--laziness for the win.
* It's working on something I actually want to do.

* I'm already a known quantity--and these days I've pretty much crapped all over my reputation. They know exactly what they'd get from me and I'm pretty sure they'd say "nope, she's not a new awesome."
* I'm ALREADY on the team, so they don't need to hire me to get me. Even worse, hiring me would be one LESS person to work on the program because I'm already working on it.
And there'd be one less person on public service, which is probably more of a priority for them to keep me in it than to get me out of it.
* Way above my pay grade, which is another indicator of "yeah, right."

* And...frankly, it really sucks to apply for a job in your office and not get it. (Especially when they hire someone already in your office. Especially if some person charmingly spends every meeting for months rubbing it in that you didn't get the job.)

My odds of not getting hired are pretty freaking high. And not only are they obligated to interview me and then I still won't get hired, I'll have to work with those people who refused to hire me very closely, and have to work with those who got it very closely.

If I feel all butthurt about it--and unfortunately, I have felt butthurt despite trying not to feel butthurt that they generally like me but like someone else more--I'm really gonna be stuck with it even more than the last two times because I don't directly work with the groups/people who got the job. I don't think I'm going to be able to not be butthurt if I don't get it, and the odds are really good I won't get it.

Here's what it boils down to, people: I'm going to regret not applying for it, but I think I'll end up regretting applying for it when I don't get it even more. Fuck. Any time I get my hopes up about anything I end up getting kicked in the teeth, and I don't want to go on that shitty roller coaster to hell again.

And then when the announcement e-mail went out encouraging us to apply and how the people who get hired will have a fun few years ahead…. Oh, darn it! And then my coworker was all, “Are you applying? I’m printing it out....”

Dammit. I’m going to apply and regret it, aren’t I?

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