Chaos Attraction

This Is What A Karaoke Night Is Like

2019-12-04, 8:22 p.m.

Disclaimer: there is some brief but gross quoting of someone being hilarious within. Scroll down a few paragraphs if you’ve got a gag reflex.

So, last night’s karaoke: it was me, Sarah, Sarajean, Scott (all the S’s), no idea where Robert and Janene were. A couple girls Sarajean knew (I believe she works with one of them) came by and hung out. One of them, Ronit, was quite entertaining in several ways. Not only did she “act out” the songs (sang “Jolene,” and Adele), she was quite quotable. Stuff I wrote down (sadly, I missed some of the details but I think the gross stuff was about another coworker?):

(After singing “Jolene:”) “I feel like I need bigger titties.”
“You know I do tend to spread around a lot of Ron spreading peanut butter on his butthole.”
“He also said something about the dogs being involved, all sorts of shit.”
“Don’t talk about the peanut butter butthole.”
“Cereal eating out of the ass like a bowl.”
(After being told to not talk like this at work:) “As long as you put the word professional in front of it...”
She also talked about how she waited 2 years to get a guy fired for sexual harassment: “I have huge justice boners.”
“I am a very exhausting person.”

I can’t say I got to know her very well because she was on the other end of the table, but she was hilarious. And I presume she’s lively at work...

Pyrate Matthew the karaoke DJ was out for most of the night at another gig, having Jim sub in for him. Sarah took this opportunity to sing “Let It Go” while he was out. Scott disappeared during this special moment, so we assume he was running away in horror.

Matthew did come in later after the other gig wound up, and he did say a few other funny things, like “I wanted to put sugar in Scott’s pockets” except Scott never left his jacket lying around for that, and “It’s the eternal question: boobs or butt?” and “This way for attention, this way for results.” He also reported that the ski mask I made for him last week works very well.

On the way home from work, I found this flier that said “Looking For Bros” and it was written by this guy named Mikey who said he just moved to California. Let me quote from this...

“If for whatever reason your squad is recruiting a small Italian sausage, then check out my qualities and hit me up.
* Thick New York accent
* I make pizza, like dough and all that but don’t get me started on pasta fazool
* Funny and I will never get embarrassed or triggered
* I have a girlfriend but I’m a great wingman
* Musician always down to jam
* King Dedede man so you’ll always win
* Photographer, can take cute pics of the squad

* Thick New York accent
* A little crazy”

I’ll politely not post his contact information even though he’s a dude and thus won’t get the same effect that a lady would. But I saw that and immediately sent it to the karaoke group text with a note about how this reminded me of being in TnT. I got no response at the time, but clearly Scott and Sarah had read it because it was discussed at the table. Sarah saw some dudes in the back and thought they looked compatible, which is to say, “I want Mr. Sausage to join those guys.” She went over to show the guys the photo I took and reported back that they were looking him up. So who knows, but maybe! Good luck, Mr. Sausage!

I asked Sarah (who was first in) if this social group did presents or not and she said no, and I was all, WHEW. I’m so bad at gift giving. I have also been reading a few articles on the issues with gift giving to men (i.e. they don’t want anything and bought what they wanted for themselves and even professionals can’t figure this out) and thinking, “dang, I haven’t bought a gift for a guy in over a decade, what the fuck do I do?” Not that I knew any better back in the day, mind you. But hey, still won't be an issue this year after all, so no need to worry about it!

Other fun things Sarah said:

She told Scott that he reminded her of Christian from Moulin Rouge, which he hasn’t seen, because she thinks he’d be romantic and sit around writing a lot. He didn’t say anything about the last one (I will assume a no for the time being) but indicated (again) maybe the first one. I then made the crack about how “hey, at least she’s not comparing you to a dying prostitute.” Sarah IMMEDIATELY threw up her fist in the air and yelled, “I AM THE DYING PROSTITUTE!”

There was an ad for some wrestling event in Vacaville next week and Scott mentioned that one of the wrestlers (the guy with a bear on his head) was his buddy in high school Spanish back in the day and I guess has been doing various levels of professional wrestling ever since, according to Facebook. This led to some interesting conversation, including Sarah indicating...shall we say, boner interest? the fellow.

Before Scott came in (I guess at some point we’re gonna have to break the news to him later... that won’t be fun) Ashley told the girls that she got diagnosed with stage 2 heart failure. She’s 19 and has been having heart issues and had surgery within the last year already. “Were you surprised?” Sarah asked, and Ashley was all no, I suspected because I’d been feeling like crap for a while. But she is one of those naturally chipper folks so she was all “I’m okay” about it. I kept thinking about how Jennifer Crusie got diagnosed with it and a worse case this year, but is still going, so...let’s hope.

As for Scott and I, well, we semi-frequently get a bit of ah, vibe going at karaoke (if he’s on “hot” rather than “cold,” I guess, sadly that is not every week), and this was going on a bit tonight. Certain kinds of eye contact, sitting next to each other after Ronit took his spot while he was singing, talking about various stuff. The subject of people having issues with his last name came up again (I was all, “your non-relative is now stalking me around the Internet” and he was all, “Google.” I know, but it still feels like a giant cosmic joke every time I see the ads, like I dared the universe when I made a crack about how if I started seeing his last name around, it would really be something and the universe was all, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!), and I said something or other on a related note along the lines of “I’m never changing my last name unless I go into Witness Protection,” and he said “I’d never inflict my last name on anybody.”

I like how we tend to be compatible on things like kids, or marital name changing (another thing my last ex disagreed about that bothered me), or just like, both of us not liking dill pickles and beans, or whatever. It’s just so cute... and especially reassuring after the last ex.

Also, speaking of synchronicities, he mentioned that his long lost relative who was adopted got adopted by a family with the same last name as his mom’s maiden name. After hearing that story about his stepgrandfather, I asked if “that sort of thing” runs in his family and he was all “no....” Oh, the things I could say on this topic, but will not be saying. Yet, anyway...

He went after Ronit doing Adele, and the pressure was on. So he once again did an absolutely rip roaring version of “Somebody To Love,” a song that unfortunately now gives me a case of the heebie jeebie freakouts after this incident and this callback. I both really enjoyed it and at the same time was having “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah” go through my brain.

If God were a kickass fiction writer (and seriously universe, get on some better writing and less meandering of late...maybe God needs an editor?), him singing that song a third time would have had something dramatic happen that night after karaoke was over, but well, no. Though thankfully neither Meghan Trainor Girl nor Robert or any of the other potential matchmakers were around this night, so there’s that.

He did talk to me outside after everyone else left for maybe fifteen minutes afterwards, something I assumed was probably never going to happen again after what happened the last time we did that and also the weather change making outdoor hangouts unpleasant (but it actually wasn’t raining or all that frigid last night for a change), but it was mostly about parking and the town hotel and how he and Laurel went on a tour of it when she was last in town. “I wonder if they thought we were a couple?” he said, and I was all, “I wonder if they thought you wanted to rent a room by the hour...” which led to discussions of hotels, room pricing, and if he ever moved away from here, which might be good, he’d just crash at the parents’ rather than pay $200 a night for that joint. So...well, there you go.

I reasonably assume that one way or another, he’s going to figure or find out all the stuff with regards to me (yes, probably here too). He tends to bring out that level of blab in me and god knows I’ve said a few things around him I didn’t intend to and yet it came out anyway. (Or uh, did in one case.), and he seems to remember almost all of it. I may have somewhat of the same effect on him, for all I know. Though well, we don’t discuss our feelings towards each other because obviously nobody’s up for actually saying anything as things stand, i.e. he doesn’t want to date me or anyone (yet?). It’s very ”When You Say Nothing At All” some nights.

He kind of talks about it once in a while on a very general level like “I can’t deal with asking girls out” or “I have no lady. Not yet, anyway,” and I say nothing at all. Or at least I don’t feel like I can unless he changes his mind, and god help me, he already knows without my saying it (dammit), so what the hell would I even say? I feel like there’s a geas on me on the topic, at least in real life/around the theater crowd. I can say stuff to those not involved, obviously, but god knows I can't say a thing to like, Sarah or Robert even though at times I want to. Not a good idea in general to do that as things stand now, though.’s weird. It’s all very weird. I go back and forth on “Someday this is definitely going down with the way the vibe is going and the things we say and all this crazy synchro stuff going on every dang day now” and “Oh, who am I kidding? This isn’t realistic!” about every day and a half, it seems. I am trying to live in the happier version of the debate in my head for the last few days, which is easier when I’m not sitting around trying to ignore Gail’s obvious shipping of him with someone else several times a week. Thinking along the lines of “Well, someday, presumably” is a lot more fun than yet another case of “You’re crazy, get the fuck over it, like a sane girl would.” And to that end, I assume at some point he finds out all the things, even the weird shit. Hell, he already figured out the biggest secret I’ve had in years, why not the rest too?

But I admit that some conversations we may have to have in the future if this ever goes all the way, like All The Weird Shit That Happens To Me, It’s A Lot More Than I’ve Mentioned So Far, Also I Think You’re Having Something To Do With It Now Because This Synchro Stuff Never Happened With My Exes..., I do not look forward to having. My exes weren’t of my ilk (hell, one was an atheist) but the ones who knew were fine with witchy crap, and this one seems to mostly not believe in such so far, so....yeah. I guess we’ll see. He doesn’t think he gets scared off and he may very well not and hell, he can even figure out my actual age now, but all of this weirdness when he hasn’t been dealing with it since the tween years like I have... yeah, who knows there. Meg’s relationship is like that (her husband is of a scientific ilk and isn’t into weird hippie shit at all) and that part of their relationship does not sound fun, but hey, at least he’s tolerant of it. So I guess if Scott can manage that, that’d be doable.

I just keep thinking of reading Lust and Wonder and Toil and Trouble and thinking of Christopher and Augusten and going “well, hopefully he deals with it...”

Y’know. Someday. If it ever happens.

See, this is what happens when I have no rehearsal and nothing to do tonight. I get maudlin.

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