Chaos Attraction

Pointless Whining

2006-12-05, 9:16 p.m.

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Still nothing new to say. Not an exciting day. Yet I have to come out with some kind of blabber before 10 p.m. and I'm about out of time (I knew I should have written an entry while at work.) Ergo, today's entry is filled with TEH ANGST. You might seriously want to skip it. I won't mind.

Caved in and called Mom tonight. Somehow she always takes someone being in a bad mood in general translates into "I personally hate you." She also didn't really get "uh, sometimes I'm cranky for no reason." But at least this time we didn't fight, so, yay.

She was talking about taking vacations and saying that I shouldn't put my life on hold. I don't know how to stop after 9 years of it. Not to mention that I feel guilty about having non-local fun. I feel like I have to be punished somehow for not being the perfect Mommy Martyr/caretaker the way I should be. Maybe if I punish myself enough I'll finally "snap out of" being a bratty little asshole and become the caretaker everyone needs and wants me to be.

(Yes, I know "careGIVER" is the PC term, but I don't feel like I GIVE care. More like, it's dragged out of me by force, and that force isn't love.)

I feel very badly that I am such an asshole when it comes to my family. I should be better at it than this. I should have the life experience equivalent of a PhD in caretaking and sick relatives by now- I should no longer be bothered by this. Why can't I just suck it up and fake it, at least?

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