Chaos Attraction

Picture A Perfect Christmas

2019-12-08, 10:35 p.m.

I thought I'd find the time to write an entry today. Hoo boy, I did not. So here's a Hallmark review from Thanksgiving.

Picture A Perfect Christmas:

Mom got all excited that this one “starts” in San Francisco, and I was all “just wait, Hallmark mandates that all movies take place in somewhere with snow.” Sure ‘nuff, girl goes to see her grandma in Washington State (Bainbridge) because her schedule cleared or something. Sophie is a globe trotting photographer who’s just killing time waiting for her next international gig and when she randomly goes over to her grandma’s neighbor’s house, the guy (David) thinks she’s interviewing to be a nanny for his nephew (Troy) or something, which leads to the following conversation:

“Where did you go to school?”
“It was a good school.”
OREGON? That is so fucking vague. I’m aware there’s more than one college in the state, Hallmark.

Also, why has this dude randomly settled on a non baby sitter girl as his new nanny? Also asking if she’s been to college? This is weird. Oh, he just mistook her for a babysitter that was coming over, I guess? But never mind, I guess she’ it?

“Nothing about this Christmas is my usual.” Girl usually travels for the holidays. Oh, and she’s waiting on some international job that of course she will get and then turn down for a guy she’s known like for a week or two or whatever, because that’s in every movie plot.

Conversation between Brian and his friend:

“Is she cute?”
”What are you, 12?”
”Sometimes, yeah.”

Troy auditions for the school play. “I got fifth reindeer.” “That’s Comet, right?” Beats “first lobster,” I say. Hell, he’s got a more impressive part than I do in my Christmas play :p Of course, everyone but the bearded lady does, including all kids....

Back to the review: Oh, girl has a disposable boyfriend of six months she doesn’t see too often. He seems nice enough when you briefly see him (unlike most Hallmark future ex boyfriends), but he does remind me a bit of Chris Elliot in looks too much, poor bastard. She breaks it off with him an hour and five minutes into the show, so that’s kind of a shocker. But she does it nicely and he doesn’t seem too traumatized or anything. “I can’t say I’m surprised,” grandma drawls. “He’s fine.”

More from Troy: “Being a reindeer is cool.”

It’s kind of ironic that she dates a guy for six months and they somehow never had enough time to figure out if they gelled as a couple, but she hangs out with Hallmark guy for days on end and it’s like two weeks and then THAT works? But we’re told her grandma found true love over a weekend, so...

You know what? I once got engaged to a guy on the second date. Which is a bad idea and not something I recommend anyone do in case they find out some unpleasant surprises like “oh, he wants kids and isn’t listening to me when I said I’d die if I gave birth” and “doesn’t like working or school” later, but you know what? These days I am somewhat thinking, “Hey, remember what it was like when a guy liked you and you liked him and you just started dating right away and after the weekend or a few dates, you officially had a boyfriend? That was so easy and simple back then! Why can’t life be like that any more?”

....Anyway, the movie ends exactly how you know it’s going to end and I have nothing more to say about that. The lady is mildly charming and cute but on a scale of 1 to 5 in memorability, she’s about a 2 and the rest of the cast is a 1, so....meh. As per usual Rule of Hallmark Casting, if both leads aren’t charming and interesting and have personality on screen, the movie be dull.

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