2011-12-09, 2:58 p.m.
recently on Chaos Attraction
My mom and I are going to spend the week after Christmas going to Disneyland, California Adventure, and Knott's Berry Farm. Woot! My aunt, She Who Knows Everything About Travel Ever, said it was soooo horrendous going there for the holidays. My mom's coworker said the same thing, "plus they were so packed you couldn't walk and Disney ran out of food and water and closed early!" (Um, what?!) Mom said she didn't care, she wants to see the lights, dammit. Huzzah! Though last night I checked with a guy I know from down there and he said Christmas there is awesome, so he wasn't badmouthing it.
Mom said she wanted me to drive for part of the way there. Given what I'm going to tell you about below, I couldn't argue it, but I did tell her that if she started screaming again, I was going to get off at the first offramp and pull over and make her drive. I also told her I was going to institute a "safe word" policy and say "safe word" if she gets crazy at me. I told someone else this and she told me I should have a "green, yellow, red" kind of system going on as well. "See, sometimes this stuff applies to real life too." Hah.
I don't know how the hell I'm going to be updating Holidailies during breaktime...I guess I'll find out if it's possible.
Now, on to the big stuff.
So...I have decided that when my lease runs out on August 31, I am going to move to LA. So this year I have to get a car (I will finally have a real credit card as of January 1), quit my job and find a new one (OH DEAR GOD WHAT AM I NUTS), and move to the other end of the state where I don't know anybody and will absolutely have to drive in the worst situations ever, all the time.
Yeah, I don't know what I'm thinking on this one either.
Why LA? Uh...hard to explain that one. There's multiple reasons for it, some of which I'd be looked at real funny if I admitted to in public even if I am a hippie. I don't actually want to move there specifically, though I've always liked SoCal in general and wanted to live there. And no, I'm not specifically shooting to join the entertainment industry since I have no talent or looks for that (though hey, if I fell into it accidentally I wouldn't run screaming). I have no idea what I'd do differently for work there. But theoretically, there'd be more options for job hunting than there are here, and more creative people, and more ways to find options for everything than there are in a small town. I'm getting kind of tired of a lack of options for things when I can't go outside of this town for anything to find people who want to do stuff, like writing groups. And then there's the whole "getting away from the family" factor. 'Nuff said there.
But I came to the conclusion that if I stay here forever, nothing will change except for my job eventually ending one way or another. Whether it's layoffs, them realizing I'm a useless human being for 3/4 of the year when I don't have Busy Season going on, or just the part where technology will get so good they no longer need me, one of those will probably take me out in a year or two anyway. So since I can't get hired at anything else here, and the job options for me here seem to be this job or barista (and I hate coffee), I should probably move on before it's done for me. I'm kind of running low-ish on local friends (again) and I suspect the few I have will be moving on in a year or two (again), and I seem to have taken all of the classes here I want to, and I'm just...finally getting bored of everything. I have more or less been in the same life situation here since the 2000's, and I seem to be frozen in time. I don't grow up. And once you're over 30, that's when you really start becoming a loser if you don't do that. If I don't do something, I'm going to be exactly like this at 40. And 50. And then I'll really look like an ass. Plus what happens when I'm 65 years old and something happens to my mommy and not only am I stuck being a caregiver, I have to take care of myself 100% alone and I have no idea how? Yeah.
I really don't know how the fuck I am going to do this. I don't really have anybody to help me with the car issue (Jackie has volunteered her cousin that I met once, that's kind of it), I know nobody wants to give car loans these days, I know shit about cars in general and I really super despise pushy salesmen. I don't really have skills anyone would value enough to hire me at a distance. I don't know anyone to sponge on their couch in LA, not that I'd feel comfortable asking anyone to anyway. I'm stumped as hell as to what I am going to freaking DO to get down there. I'm afraid of what happens if I don't resign my lease here (due approximately March 1, usually) and then can't figure out how to move and end up having to stay in the area and have to do a last minute move. I'm afraid of car buying. I'm afraid of fucking everything.
But...people tell me to just make the fucking decision and it will all come together. So, okay, fine, I AM MOVING. I don't have to freak about the future of my job or how I can't get into another department because I AM MOVING.
Most people I have told this to so far have taken it surprisingly well. I think you can guess the lone exception to the rule, but since nothing much has happened yet to make it real yet, Mom hasn't flipped as badly as she's going to quite yet. I do get her periodically whining, "Why do you have to leave? Why can't you grow up here?" Uh, let's look at the evidence why? I think it's interesting that she was willing to go to SoCal given this news, but I'm sure she's blocked it out in the "things I don't acknowledge exist" category for now. I wish we could sneak over to LA proper, but hey, the OC is pretty close to practice driving in the traffic.
I am plotting a scouting trip for March spring break period. I wish I could get someone else to come along with me, but that isn't happening. I've never gone anywhere far away totally by myself before and man, I don't know how I'm going to do that either! It's all so...huge, and I'm out of people willing to help me along. But really, it's about fucking time I learned how to do everything 100% alone without any help or support, isn't it? Isn't that what real (single) adults do?