Chaos Attraction

Coney Island Christmas Night 8: A Little Less Joy There

2019-12-09, 12:55 p.m.

Note: I am behind, this is covering the events of 12/7/19.

This year’s Tour de Craft Fair had to be a little different because of my theater schedule and my having no idea when the hell I had to be (a) back at home to get ready for the show and, (b) when to get there in order to still be able to find parking, and (c) if/when we were supposed to do anything in the parade if it was raining or not. So, confusing.

Dawn, Loretta and I went to the craft fair at the fairgrounds and they bought stuff, I did not, as usual. Then we went out to Loomis and reunited with the nice people I got my rainbow vest from last year, so that was sweet. I got a few books and Dawn bought rocks and I forget what Loretta got. They had a lot of extremely fancy painted rocks at the library (?) craft fair. I have no clue what I’d do with a fancy rock, but they were gorgeous.

Then we went to High Hand, and we visited The Tin Thimble one last time before it closes. I bought a book of knitting patterns, more roving and a belt buckle in the shape of a heart, and another butterfly ornament from my favorite vendor at the steampunk craft fair. We had lunch and then went which point it started pouring rain.

I finally heard from Anita around elevenish saying that the singing would not go on due to rain....and then she sent another in the afternoon saying that the chances of rain were now 25 percent, if anyone wants to.... At which point it was pouring rain and I was all, are you kidding me? But indeed it had (temporarily) dried up by the time I got back. I went to Winters around 4:30 and managed to get parking about a block down from usual, attempted to kill time in the yarn store, and then ended up hanging out with Germaine in front of the community center until we figured out how to get in.

Oh, and I got a text from Mom saying she was at her theater volunteer job and ran into my evil and aunt and uncle. “Asked if either of us was married. Said no. Asked if we could not find a man. Did not answer.” Words cannot express the disgust and rage, if not exactly shock because they have always judged me about that one. I told her that she should have said she has one, because obviously I’m pathetic and can’t catch one and we all know that and they should have known that as well. And at least SHE has someone to brag about. But she said she didn’t want to get into it. I ranted about this later on to Germaine,* William** and well, pretty much everyone left in the room after all the schoolkids and teachers were out doing their scenes.

* I did enjoy Germaine’s response though: “Well, you could, but why bother?”
** William did say I should just hang out at Comic Con more....which is a legit thing to say and I perhaps should.

I am beyond sick and tired of being a loser in this particular arena of life. (Why yes, hitting sixteen years of singledom soon is bothering me, whyever do you ask?) With some assholes, you literally aren’t worth anything if you can’t catch a man and they will always judge you by that standard and you can’t do anything about jackholes who do. I know it’s unreasonable. I know these are assholes that I’ve managed to not have to talk to (by fleeing on the rare occasions I’ve been in their vicinity) for over a decade now and I should not care about their shitty opinions. But it bothers me anyway. These fuckers have always judged me for not being married off at 18, which was CATEGORICALLY NOT UNDER MY CONTROL, ALSO THIS IS NOT 1950 AND NOBODY GOT ME KNOCKED UP SO I DIDN’T HAVE TO GET MARRIED LIKE SOME FUCKERS, AND BY THAT I MEAN MY JERK AUNT AND UNCLE. ALSO, BACK IN THE DAY I COULD USE BIRTH CONTROL SO I DIDN’T HAVE TO.

But seriously, I can’t force some dude to marry me. I got engaged to someone I shouldn’t have a long ass time ago and look how that went. I can’t make anybody want to marry me if they don’t. It’s not under my control and if nobody wants me, then they don’t want me. What the fuck do they expect me to do about it? Club a dude over the head and drag him to a church? Anyone who has literally seen me should know* I wasn’t ever going to end up with anyone, because NERD. Duh. Don’t tell me they didn’t figure it out like literally everyone else who’s ever met me. I can only assume they’re just trying to be assholes again.

** Seriously, nobody ever said to me growing up, “When you get married and have kids,” because it was obvious that wasn’t going to happen! Even these numbnuts never said that.

Ugh, I am acting like I’m in that episode of Angel where Angelus is locked in the basement and everyone goes down there to watch him and he insults them and then they get all wanky about it. I knew damn well before this I was a loser, both in their eyes and in other people’s, it’s not like it’s a fucking surprise to me or anything. So why wank on about it?

Back to the show, Night 8:

Speaking of other things bothering me, Robert got there and said “oh, we’re not doing any singing thing tonight” (as far as he knew, I guess), so those of us who were there early just hung out....and then around 6:30ish, found out that oh, everybody else (see aforementioned “schoolkids and teachers” crowd) had gone out and sung after all and didn’t tell those of us who were also here early that it was happening. Yes, Anita knew we were around and could have. Hell, they had a group text, we heard after they came back in. So that was kind of crap. Like, I make sure to get over here super early for...nothing?

Apparently the most notable thing that went on was Anita making Scott sing “Winter Wonderland” spontaneously a cappella, which he was politely Not Thrilled About. I’m sure it was absolutely lovely (or so some raved), but he said he found having to do that spontaneously for hundreds of people in a crowd to be very tiring and indeed, he was pretty much hiding in the stairwell flopped over or headdesking until the show started. Oy, that’s....concerning. Not that I could do anything about that, of course.

I also got kind of inwardly huffy after Scott mentioned going to a party at Germaine’s the night before and was all “what, I wasn’t invited?” Turns out it was a board members party...but I still don’t get why Scott was invited since as far as I know he isn’t one? Shut up, Jennifer, not your fucking business.

I did not try to sneak out and watch the tractor parade. I probably should have, but I was obviously in a crankyish mood and did not. Well, maybe next year. While wearing a nun’s habit if I can get in as a singing nun (we were told next year’s Christmas show will be “Sound of Music”, if I can get in that), which is exactly how my life goes.

Quotes and activities:

“I love to teach...” -Germaine as she’s talking about how St. Anthony became the patron saint of lost objects. (Yes, I told her about my experiences with that.)

“Come on, you guys are boring Linda.” -William
“Shut up.” -Germaine

“When I get to heaven, St. Anthony’s going to be there holding my car keys.” -Germaine

They made jokes about how William’s mom (visiting the green room before the show) looked like his girlfriend.

“I look like Jesus now.” -William
“Or some homeless person.” (I have no idea who said that one)

“I’ve played a drunk in the last four plays I’ve been in.” -Germaine (Me: “In As You Like It?!” “Well, no, not that one...”)

“This is the second Christmas show I’ve been in in where Santa was played by an Asian man.” -William

Germaine was talking about the theater’s first “angel,” a guy named Dudley who was from the area and yet spoke with an English accent. I said, “He just has his own voluntary accent” and William then said, “I think Scott has that.” (Note: Scott can do many accents but isn’t going around doing them constantly like he’s Madonna or something.)

Germaine’s report on what Dudley said to her: “A theater group does not sell brownies. A theater group consumes Shakespeare.”

“I played the leading lady in that play” (Absurd Person, Singular) “and I only had one line.” -Germaine, talking about how her character was constantly trying to commit suicide and then people would save her.
“It’s basically like the Dorothy Parker poem.” -me

“He got a little irreverent about a lot of things.” -Germaine on Tom Lehrer.

“I do it for anybody in the theater.” -Robert on tutoring, as he’s now tutoring Alexis in statistics (and did it all weekend).

“I’m the worst person at math, until I met Cameron.” -William

“I thought it was pretty ironic that my grandma wanted to sing a song about a grandma being run over.” -William (why yes, I wore my “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” sweater that day and showed it to him).
“I think I like your grandma.” -me

“How are you?” -Robert
“Got a cup of tea. How bad could I be?” -Cameron

“It’s kind of peaceful without all those miserable kids here.” -Drew says, not noticing that a few are still in the room.

“Do they know you’re in their backyard?” -me to Gail as she claimed to have parked in someone’s backyard.

“I don’t know makeup too well.” -Drew
“Surely you jest. A man as beautiful as yourself.” -Cameron

“Don’t die, Scott. We need you for later.” -Cameron

“He knows hair.” -Liz on Drew. (Note: apparently Eliza goes by Liz? I’m so confused. I was going on what’s in her email address.)

Cameron bought new yarn and decided to wind it herself around her own neck. I’ve done this myself and I know exactly how difficult that goes, but Scott of course got concerned when she started to inadvertently strangle herself with it...which will inevitably happen when you do that.

“It’s like a slumber party where we all do makeup.” -I forget who. This led to a discussion of slumber party behavior and my having to say that I in no way can elaborate on the horrible (sex simulation, underwear freezing though I refused to do that) stuff I saw at slumber parties in front of children. Even I have my limit there.

“He’s very excitable, haven’t you noticed?” -Germaine on Jayden

William got busted for swearing here at some point. I never did!

“The daycare people would say, don’t call people stupid, it’s a bad word. SINCE WHEN?!?” -Amelia, saying what I would in the same situation. (I restrained myself from saying that my mother thinks that “crap” isn’t a swear word but “hell” is. Which is also on crack.)

“Making someone sing a cappella on the spot is not kind. Monkey, dance for me!” -Scott

Cameron on the inevitable math questions about a “a train leaves from the station at blah blah blah:” “I’ll just consult a timetable.”

“She died doing what she loved,” -Cameron, as she strangles herself with yarn.

Why do cats have 9 lives? “Pearly Gates: In or out?” -Scott

“The coloring” (of the yarn) is “Tangled Lights.” -Cameron

On the subject of geeks biting the heads off chickens: “Now we call that Ozzy Osborne.” -Robert

“When people ask me how long I’ve been here, I say since Jesus was a baby.” -Gail on her career

“The first rule is never give in.” -Cameron

William broke up a fight at the back of the theater by telling them that the show was about to start.

Cameron said that some of the directors from the 10 minute plays actually came to her work (I guess Linda’s husband Elliot told them where she works) wanting her to be in their shows, and she was distinctly unthrilled with that even though she didn’t get in trouble about it or anything. She wants Elliot to stop doing that. She also said she didn’t know if she would audition for that or not since she had another audition pending (spoiler alert for tomorrow: she didn’t get it).

“Never be helpful, it’s not helpful.” -Cameron

“I’ve been wiping the strawberry jam off the screen for an hour.” -Scott describing his mental state at the moment, blaming it on the large crowds.

“I know how to say Christmas in Tagalog.” -Jackelyn

“I wasn’t trying to upstage you guys, I just wanted to get a laugh.” -William tried to go onstage during the “appeal to charity” section again like he did the first night, I guess it did not go well.

“I love the stuffing part!” -me and Josie on watching Scott try to explain stuffing during the time killing improv.

“We actually know the lines!” -me on “Carol of the Bells,” because two weeks of show later, we finally can sing them all in order without mixing them up.

Free popcorn was being handed out on the street and the inevitable happened in the green room: “It’s like a movie theater in here, there’s popcorn all over the floor.” -Bridget

“William, are those your lucky shorts?” -me noticing that William has St. Patrick’s Day boxers on.

After I hear a baby crying: “Well, there’s an actual baby here, wanna loan is to us later in the show?” -me (note: I was told that baby Lena is cranky at night, hence why no night shows.)

William says he should go to the bathroom. “Now would be a good time for it. Be sure to wash your hands!” I paraphrase Miss Glace’s lines on the same topic.

“I don’t like you!” -Arlo
“I don’t like you like that either!” -Bianca

“Tonight will be a success if they’re not dead, and I’m not dead.” -Cameron

“It’s always a good idea to refill your gas tank in case the apocalypse hits.” -Bridget

Dona is scarred for life after a review mentioning that someone’s outfit wasn’t ironed, so now she compulsively irons everything before the show starts. Someone pointed out that Wise Men didn’t have irons back then.

“I speak a little French.” -Cameron
“Just enough to get you into trouble.” -Scott
“But not enough to get me back out again.” -Cameron

“I’m quoting Mel Brooks. That’s always an appropriate response.” -Cameron (no, I don’t recall the quote)

“I was raised by lawyers, man, I’ve heard everything.” -Cameron on swearing at the office.

“I drive a Ferrari. It’s a Hot Wheels car.” -William

“You’re like an adult!” -William
“Oh good god.” -Scott

There was discussion of stage kisses:
(a) Cameron’s first kiss was a stage kiss.
(b) Cameron was told later by someone else that she was a horrible kisser.
(c) Cameron and William are not particularly fond of stage kissing, it’s not romantic, etc.
(d) Gail offered to stage kiss me and got snuggly about it.
(e) I fell over laughing.
(f) Cameron said, “Don’t die, Jennifer, we need you!”
(g) I said, “No, you absolutely do not!”

“You’re a ghost. You don’t have blush on.” -one of the shepherds to the Ghost of Christmas Past, who put some on anyway.

Backstage before our one scene, Rachel kept poking William and then saying I was doing it, or his relatives were.

“We’re supposed to look makeshift.” -Dona
“Is that ladder scene supposed to be in the script? It’s hilarious.” -William (note: the Angel Gabriel stands on a stepladder), who said something similar about the pillow impregnation scene as well. Yes, those are in the script.

Tonight’s backstage commentary about the kissing scene:
“Just the right amount of awkward and sweet.” -Dona
“That’s when you know it’s real. Awkward and sweet.” -Jayden
“Spoken like a child.” -Cameron
“I’ve done better, I’ve done worse.” -Cameron
“I can’t tell if I hit him until we are onstage.” -Cameron

“I don’t believe in myself.” -Jayden makes up a line onstage.

“QUIET DOWN IN THERE.” -Frances takes control of the backstage mike that broadcasts into the green room.

(Mrs. Abramowitz says the line, “Jesus this and Jesus that.”)
“That’s how we all feel, honey.” -me

“I don’t know why they cast me as romantic leads. I’m not good at it.” -Cameron

“A little less joy there.” -Cameron to the kids.

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