Chaos Attraction

Everything Is Terrible Holiday Show

2012-12-10, 9:47 a.m.

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I spent yesterday running around doing various errands, which was really nice to be able to do in a car. I hauled three bags of books to the library and left the sale with only one bag, which was nice. I hit the flea market, the gym, the grocery store, the drug store, and Joann's all in a day, which was nice. I also went into a Hallmark store and found this interesting Santa and a....Santa Vader. This just seems wrong. I did some cat sitting, and then since nothing good was on TV that night, I went to see the Everything Is Terrible show that was being put on on campus Sunday night.

Since I had the ability to, I drove over there, and then had an amazingly bad time trying to find parking, as the two closest lots were full. Then someone pointed out to me that since it is finals week, everyone was hogging the parking lots closest to the library. Oh, duh. I forget that people actually study during finals week, because I pretty much didn't for more than a couple of hours a day. I didn't think this thing would get a whole lot of people attending it, but more people showed up than I figured--maybe around 35-40-ish people. They had a set of Christmas trees made from cardboard and presents and the like. The trees, though, had a Grinch head within them. Hmmmmm....

The show is a compilation of terribly cheesy holiday videos, mostly appearing to be from the 50's-80's or so. For the first half hour or so they just showed random videos, which was probably a good idea given how many people wander in late to everything around here. I'll try to give you a rundown of what this was like. There were a lot of puppets and people in animal costumes and random TV stars dancing. Notable exceptions to this were:

(a) Some strange old movie in which a "Father Christmas" dude (in bathrobe, with a cast on his foot for some reason?) singing about how he has to be all nationalities ("I am a multiplicity!"). Then he busted out into some Cossack dancing, then some...Indian...dancing, then he was all Chinese with the elves in those little hats, and then they all acted like matadors.
(b) Jerry Springer's "Happy Holidays" episode, in which rappers came out and sung. I wish I could add their music to my crappy holiday tunes collection. Most of it seemed to be a "12 Days of Rappers Christmas" or something. One female rapper came out and wanted 8 male strippers, 5 months free rent, 12 thousand dollars, and a man with a lot of money.
(c) Some movie about "Toyland" that featured an Asian Santa and Drew Barrymore and the eyes of a child. She wants to believe!
(d) A very brief video from Death Row Records about two people making out below...mistletoe weed.
(e) Some singer in Branson bringing out his 80-year-old mom, who is supposedly dating Rudolph. She sings the Rudolph song while the (very ugly, btw) reindeer capers about and the guy singer muses about this being his stepfather.
(f) Jingle Cats--meowing White Christmas with an acid trip background going on. And flying angel cats and a dog with horns.
(g) People from the Lawrence Welk show, altered to be even weirder.
(h) "Santa Baby" karaoke.
(i) Another Death Row Records special, the entire music video for "Santa Claus Is Coming Straight To The Ghetto."

After that half hour, the real show started. It featured a mix of live action stuff interspersed with video. The show is "hosted" by some kind of Yeti creature named Tanglefoot (which is apparently from some film thing or other I'd never heard of, as you find out from watching the video). It also features puppets--a Sesame Street-ish kid named Gordie who is whining about how he wants a Christmas, but his entire family is dead and his faith in God is dead. The Grinch trees sing along at the end. In the next act, Gordie wishes Christmas would go straight to hell and Grinchtree #1 says he's seen hell, and no. His name is "Abehu, the religious tree." (I'm guessing on the spelling.) To Gordie, the true meaning of Christmas is "cold death," in one fucking mass grave. Tree #1 is all, "that's pretty fucked up. So is a virgin being knocked up by God." Also, sheep stare at you as they eat your placenta. Huh? Tree #1 is into "buckets of blood." You know what washes out blood? Other blood. Jesus blood. Oooookay then. "Organized religion sure is cool!"

Then the second tree---Steve-- starts dissing the first tree and goes on about how Santa and presents are awesome. With swearing. Gordie is all, "Swear words! Awesome!" Steve raps. Tanglefoot loves rap, everyone else wants him to stop. Steve is all, you can have whatever you want for Christmas! Like a pile of presents or your dead relatives back! Gordie is all, "Well, I'm just traumatized enough to believe...." Steve pimps "Nick's fat sack."

Gordie identifies with violence (in the video). The Christian tree is all, "Genesis will get you hard." "Awesome! Boner." Gordie and Steve talk about boners, and the Christian tree doesn't actually know what that is. And then a GIANT SANTA HEAD WITH GLOWING EYES emerges in front of the screen. It announces itself as the Great Odinclaus and tells them they're all fucking freaks who have lost the true meaning of winter solstice. To Gordie, he is all, "Dude, it's been 2 years since you murdered your family. Just move on." Gordie is all, "Yeah, I guess I am being a pussy." Christian tree thinks the meaning of Christmas is Jesus blood, Steve thinks it's gifts, and Gordie thinks it's "my family is dead." Tanglefoot comes in to advertise that the special is available on DVD!

As for the video: It was one of those videos where they've edited it to be having some kind of conversation--I don't know how to describe it better than that. I really can't describe it too well overall, really. I attempted to take notes in the dark, so I am just going to try to translate them as best I can and you'll...well, sort of get the drift.

* Santa kills an attack dog in front of a kid.
* Happy birthday, Jesus! Everything Is Terrible Holiday Special!
* Erik Estrada sings!
* Clips of titles of movies: "A Mom For Chrismtas," "A Grandpa for Christmas," "A Boyfriend for Christmas."
* Scrooge's Rock 'N Roll Christmas.
* Dancing bee, dancing bear, talking pig, talking goat, talking Mutant Turtles.
* Jesus cringes at the Meowy Cats.
* "That's not rock and roll!"
* Pizza on a tree.
* A kid sings, "I'll be your long haired lover from Liverpool."
* Creepy angel dolls singing.
* Dominick the Donkey done in karaoke. OH HELL NO.
* Alan Thicke!
* "Have you ever wondered what Christmas would be like without music?"--cut to the Jingle Cat footage again, but with no sound.
* Scenes of various old people having heart attacks.
* Some kid saying that he had wanted to ask Santa for a mountain bike, but now maybe he should ask Santa for his dead dad back.
* Max Headroom.
* "Wanna do something special for your man for Christmas? Schedule a prostate exam." Seriously, they said that.
* Olson twins.
* "Oh, you got me blankets for disaster victims."
* Shari Lewis is cooking a Hanukkah dinner for Pat Morita and Alan Thicke.
* Dolly Parton does the chicken dance.
* Baby dressed as lobster. (First lobster?)
* Mrs. Claus is "baking my brains out!"
* "You ever try to hang tinsel on a coconut?"
* Russell Crowe says, "I want to know the difference between the elves and the Nazis."
* The actual Tanglefoot movie, in which he messes up a sleigh and gets yelled at by children and knocks over paint. Followed by a song called, "It's ok to make an oopsie."
* Kirk Cameron--gotta get him in there, of course.
* A creepy Lamb of God puppet.
* A singing donut.
* Charlton Heston on Christ.
* Max Headroom's Giant Christmas.
* An ad for "The Three Original Gifts of Christmas" (gold, frankincense and myrrh) for $29.95!
* Some women pouring "blood" on Jesus pancakes, then putting candles on it and lighting them and singing "Happy birthday, Jesus!"
* Peter O'Toole and David Hasselhoff singing.
* thecoolchurch.com
* "Hanukkah, which means Hanukkah."
* Hanukkah homeboy raps! He has a giant chain with a star of David on it.
* Shari Lewis and Lambchop make latkes.
* Everyone loves latkes.
* "Give the gift of a kosher prostate!"
* A song about eating a dreidel made of bread.
* Dreidel costumes made out of cardboard boxes.
* One brief mention of Kwanzaa.
* A montage about BELIEVE!!!!
* A shot of Tanglefoot in lingerie.
* "I'm the weird kid who smokes pot and writes letters to Santa Claus."
* Various Santa sluts.
* "Santa said oral."
* Steve Guttenberg says girls will enjoy it more of they relax.
* Santa and the skanks.
* Santa takes off his face-- he's a robot!
* Some guy tells his kid that Santa isn't real and that they were all drugged.
* Shooting ensues.
* Santa has a machine gun.
* Santa fights. Not too well.
* Denis Leary-- "I beat up Santa Claus."
* Arnold Schwartzenegger punches a reindeer.
* Santa's chopped up body magically comes back together.
* The usual Santa suspects.
* Santa in jail.
* Saved By The Bell.
* Blanche Devereaux.
* Sappy belief montages.
* "One time I was even a sheep."
* "Can't we just be miserable together here?" a puppet asks.
* Snow montages! "Why is it snowing in LA?" "Why not?"
* The end. Kids dance.

So there you go.


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