Chaos Attraction

Coney Island Christmas Day 9: Upstaged By A Baby

2019-12-10, 6:40 p.m.

(Note: am still behind, this is covering the events of 12/8/19.)

We finished off Tour de Craft Fair by going to the Art Center show, where I got some cute bunny stickers and a “When Turkeys Attack” magnet for my own amusement, and also saw some yarn wigs made of skeins of yarn that were pinned to the Styrofoam head. I will ponder this as a Halloween costume, most likely.

Becky came along today. She was supposed to come yesterday but somehow had her bus not pick her up in San Francisco and she was stranded in a bar overnight until BART opened up again. Dawn had invited her to my show (note: Becky is about 90% flaky so I didn’t bother this time) and she said she was going to go....and then flaked within an hour because being stranded in San Francisco overnight “took up all my weekend time.” All I can do is think, “Whatever.” On a related note, my coworkers who said they were going to go to the show also flaked, so I am a bit grumpy and we are Not Discussing That in the office. Sigh.

I also bought a pin at the same place I got the stickers, Kimchi Kawaii, a booth I love very much. I should mention that yesterday Loretta said that she loves two things most people don’t like: “Little Drummer Boy” and fruitcake. To which I said “wait until you hear the Justin Bieber version we have to use in the play.” But today when I saw this’s a fruitcake (the designer doesn’t like ‘em either) and it says “Nobody Loves Me.” Given the joys of what my uncle and aunt said yesterday, I bought it for that reason and put it on, though I did make sure Loretta saw it for amusement purposes. I then sent my mother a pic of it and she was all, “CALL ME IMMEDIATELY” and I was all “no, I’m out with friends,” so that blew over.

The Kimchi Kawaii girl mentioned that she keeps a stuffed animal at her office so when people are upset they can hug it, which sounds like a good idea to me.

Day 9:

I was told that when Shirley and Evie are supposed to be eating popcorn onstage, Liz was substituting in different foods. Like broccoli, or onions. Why?!? Like...raw onion? On a related note, someone brought two raw onions in and we have no idea why.

The cast party is on the first night of Hanukkah. This is ... awkward.....

Cameron, who like me goes around in dresses/skirts whenever possible, wore pants today because of striking the set. “Even I decided to be practical today.”

“Nobody tells me anything, Gail. I am never in the know.” -Cameron (again, assistant director)

“I have no responsibility or authority.” -Cameron (see above)

As Gary is playing “Little Drummer Boy” by Bieber before the show: “Please don’t play that song when we don’t have to listen to it.” -me

Cameron had to redo her red nail polish. “Nail polish, you had one job, to last through the rest of the show.” Meanwhile, William’s stays on for days.

“I’ve been calling him Dean, that’s ridiculous.” -Germaine on Drew

“It’s the last show. I can’t tell the kids they have too much makeup on.” -Dona

Amelia brought in tractor cookies. “You could make these and sell them at the parade.” -Anita

Found out Germaine threw another party last night I wasn’t invited to, with gift swapping. No comment. There was leftover cheesecake from it.
“Cheesecake has been brought to be sacrificed to the theater gods.” -Cameron

Ava tried to claim she had psychic powers because she saw Robert hanging out at another bar.

“I graduated from high school.” -Abner

While the kids are signing thank you cards:
“Anita, what does she do?” -Josie
“She directs.” -Ava

“Oreos are good.” -Ava
“Oreos are kind of trash.” -Bianca

“No, my barn door is closed.” -Drew to Abner

Laure came by to visit and said she’d been in two shows lately (not the other Coney Island Christmas, as it turns out).

Cameron referred to Shakespeare as “the love of her life.” This was when there was more conversation about As You Like It, but I think I pretty much said all that stuff months ago...

“You guys playing some kind of inappropriate game here?” -William. The kids are slapping each other a lot.

Robert fiddles with clothespins and one snaps on him: “He taunted clothespins and it ended badly.” -Cameron

“I’m lovely.” William sees an old photo of himself without all the shaggy hair on Dona’s phone.

“I don’t like your shows.” according to William, this is what his dad says. His dad is apparently an asshole.

“I don’t surprise anybody.” -William on his wardrobe, even if he’s wearing a dress.

“He’s a little slow.” -William on Mr. Hilton

“God, he’s a hunk.” -William on Mr. Hilton
“Well, she is pretty cute.” -Dona

“Oh no. Why is my tongue blue? Oh no.” -Jayden
“Stop laughing, it happens!” -Jayden to me

For all of Dona’s angst and ironing and worry about the Elly awards, we just got disqualified for them. There are six judges and half of them did not show up today. I highly doubted this play was likely to win anything anyway, mind you (it’s not exactly “It’s A Wonderful Life,” which I guess got some award attention previously), so oh well, I guess.

“Shirley’s a little sass sometimes.” -Bridget

“It’s like a bunch of elephants.” -me on the Wise Men.

“Why don’t you just eat the food?” -Rachel
“Why don't you just eat your brain?” -Kenneth

“No, no, don’t go there! You went there!” Mr. Abramowitz tries to head off Mr. Hilton at the pass with hand gestures behind his wife as Mr. Hilton says the dreaded “we’re in America” line.

“See how much stress I don’t have at this time of year?” said a visiting Photographer Scott, not in the show this time.

“You’re a nerd, man. It’s not an insult.” -William to Scott.
“We all are.” -me

“I get bored so easily.” -William

At some point I had a conversation with William about how he never “let” himself get bullied. I pointed out that it’s not like I could get into a brawl with someone without getting into worse trouble myself.

The crowd was about 120, the biggest audience here for this show. I’m told they sold out/were crowded for Wizard of Oz, but this is pretty good.

Scott comes back from being onstage and reports that Abner “had his script in his mouth.” And demonstrates.

“You’re not sure at what point the show is going to crack.” -William

“I’m so proud of you guys.” -Alexis to us carolers.

“Don’t get me wrong, I like Jesus. He’s a nice guy, a sensible guy, he does magic, I approve.” -me

“I always look pretty.” -William

“I love the lipstick, it’s terrifying.” -me to William

William mentioned having a fake (empty) book in one show that someone drew dick pics in.

Rachel continues to poke William and blame it on me.

On the pillow impregnation:
“I like it because it’s so terrible.” -me
“I like it because it goes over the kids’ heads and the adults laugh.” -William

“That Mr. Hilton. He’ll win some theater award someday but god only knows which one he’ll win.” -me on the writing of the pageant

“I was upstaged by a baby.” -Cameron

“When I get excited, I sound like my dog.” -William

“I either get dumb roles, or roles in suits. Or cop roles.” -William

“Guys, we’ve got like three minutes. Hold on.” -Cameron

“That button is a menace to society.” -Cameron on the intercom.

“Thank you for that. Occupied me for the entire show.” -Gail, handing back my yarn.

One of the kids gets a hold of the intercom. “Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?”

Since I did know some people in the audience (Dawn and Loretta came, Brian and Blonde Sarah, and Scott’s grandma came again), I actually forced myself to stand around in the hallway afterwards saying “buh bye” like a flight attendant. I liked seeing those I knew, but otherwise I still think that is weird. I’ve always thought it was weird when I’ve gone to shows and the actors are doing it, it’s still weird on the other side too.

The remaining adults spent the next few hours disassembling the set, which is not particularly exciting to recount, I guess. I started seeing hearts on the floor (yeah, that’s still going on) and photographing them and Anita saw that, so I said what I was doing. I wonder what her reaction was since I know she’s a closet hippie. I did sweeping. The guys undrilled all the flats and the women sat around feeling stereotypical and idle. At one point I moved a curtain out of the way of people piling up the flats and Scott said “You have an epic cape, my dear.”

Eventually, despite the inviting of everyone else to dinner afterwards, it was the same people that went two weeks ago. Alexis and Robert spent the entire time doing statistics homework. Scott of course somehow ended up sitting between me and Cameron. The rest of us discussed auditioning for other shows, which is when I found out that last Sunday Robert, Cameron and Scott auditioned for “Of Mice And Men” somewhere (and nobody told me that either). They did not get in, which made me feel better since that seems to be how it goes when I audition in other places that aren’t here. And hell, they’re all more talented/experienced than me. I think most of us are going to audition for the 10 minute play festival, at least, Cameron included. I figure all of them get in and I will not.

During fortune cookie time, I had some dull one, Anita had one about having a good dinner and Scott had one about a new friend breaking him out of an old routine, which made me think HMMMMM to that. We discussed white elephant gifts and I said what ones I bought but hadn’t decided which to bring around kids. Either would work.

Cameron and Anita ended up leaving before the rest of us. I would have expected Robert to keep on tutoring until closing, which about happened, but Scott did stick around and talk to me one on one, mostly about pop culture stuff, ordering yarn should I choose to do so, cute dogs, stuff like that. He also noticed my fruitcake pin and got very sad, until he figured out it was a fruitcake and then laughed his head off. I appreciate that he had both reactions.

So there’s that.

I hate it when shows end. I won’t be in another one for awhile, sigh.

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