Refrigerator Shopping Again
2004-12-11, 1:56 p.m.
I fear this moment has been coming for a long time.
(No, this has nothing to do with my parents for a change.)
I have been loving being single pretty much since I got dumped. For the first time in my life I was feeling free from all of that crap. Free from the desire, free from caring, free from interest. Anyone with a penis, stay far away. Etc., etc. My hormones were dead, and I was enjoying myself and feeling like a sane human being again.
I am extremely sorry to announce that the hormones seem to have come back. As in, I woke up this morning and just felt kicked in the head. "Oh, crap, it's BACK. I'm interested again. FUCK. Why the hell did it have to come back again? I was happy without!" Hell, wasn't it just the other day I was listening to other people's relationship horrors and thinking, "I am so fucking glad to be out of that evil drama?"
I act like this is a sudden thing, but I think it's been brewing for a bit now. I went so far as to tell Jess last week or so that I was feeling the desire to um, windowshop again. Not that I planned on buying a um....refrigerator... and taking it home and plugging it in any time soon. Or that I really wanted to switch from my new icebox-using lifestyle (don't ask me how Jess and I got into the fridge analogy. I have no explanation for this) any time soon, because I didn't. But I found myself um, paying slightly more attention to refrigerators than I had in a long time, and found myself wondering if I could vaguely muster up interest in this refrigerator or that one. Could I make myself like that fridge? Could I deal with it in my house? It wasn't that bad-looking of a refrigerator, if not my type exactly. But, it was a pretty um, "new" refrigerator, and owning a fridge newer than myself still gives me the heebie-jeebies. There wasn't any one fridge in particular that I really liked enough to um, ask a salesperson questions about it or take any kind of action about, mind you, but I found it worrying that I was even thinking about refrigerators again in the first place. Especially given my "no new refrigerators" policy and the fact that in this town and where I work and where I volunteer, I am surrounded by a bunch of 20-22-year-old...er, refrigerators that aren't looking too badly. Why weren't the fridges that cute when I was that age?
Okay, maybe it's time to drop that analogy.
Anyway, I had been in serious "suspicious windowshopping mode" (as opposed to the occasional looking) since November, where the 20-22-year-old sorta-hotties seem to have been in full bloom around me. Not that I plan on doing anything about any of them. Most have lovely girlfriends. One of them I'm not going to be seeing around any more after this quarter, so that puts him out of my psuedo-consideration. Theoretically, he would be the best of the lot, so that's kind of sad, but I'm sure at this point he thinks I'm freaking insane because I shot my mouth off about family issues many a time and oft when he was in the room. What can I say, the attractiveness of this person kind of crept up on me a bit too late to think about what I was doing. At any rate, there's still too much age difference for me to go there even if he didn't think I was a nutter. And the last one has been wandering around looking like a pouty bitch since the election and that's made him downright ugly and out of consideration to the point where I'm like, "What was I THINKING to even think this guy was kinda cute back when I first saw him at the start of the quarter?" That dude in particular is what kind of hit me in the head- if I was considering THAT guy, what kind of state am I IN? *shudders*
I'm not massively attracted to anyone I know in real life these days. Which is par for the course for me considering that I find someone massively attractive about every 2-3 years and that means I've got at least another one or two to go before I am likely to feel motivated about a guy again, as opposed to "Hm. He's not that bad. I wonder if I could stand to make out with him," which is pretty much where I am these days. I've been trying to change my tastes in men since the people I pick and am attracted to are clearly wrong for me. I don't think it's working all that well yet. I'm not confident in my ability to not pick someone else who'll have a fatal flaw, and until I am, I need to not be picking men. I kind of know like, in my head what I might want, but that doesn't apply to people I know in real life. And as Jess pointed out, "that kind of guy would not want you as you are now." I am not yet a prize worthy of kings.
See, I know I'm still not ready to be with anyone. I have neither the time nor the energy to date. I've been enjoying myself and being able to do all the projects I want to do without someone interfering. And I refuse to drag another poor schmuck into my family death drama once again- my exes since college have all gone through hell because of me when they wouldn't have had to. Especially no way in hell would I drag some barely-no-longer-a-teenager immature git into it. And I have had enough of trying to juggle opposing people who need me. No more boyfriends until after my dad dies at least. (Which is a really sick sentence to say, I know, but hell, we can't all be as lucky as Lorena. I don't attract that kind of luck with men, obviously.)
I already know what my New Year's Resolution is going to be this year: NO BOYS. No dating, no crushing, no acting on crushing, no acquiring a boyfriend, nothing. I will stay free and clear. Which was pretty much what I was planning to do before, mind you...but now that the freaking desire to have someone around is back, it's going to be a lot harder.
Why can't anything be easy on me?