Chaos Attraction


2019-12-12, 6:13 p.m.

Note: this covers the events of 12/10/19.

Therapy time! I hadn’t talked to my shrink in weeks, so I had to recap all the show stuff. I was also in a not good mood because (a) I did a card draw and got a lot of “Time To Move On” stuff, of course, and (b) I got ripped on by some people online that I know damned well that just because he likes you doesn’t mean he actually likes you if he doesn’t want to date you, he doesn’t like you, and you need to move on. Of course I know that. Of course. I know it means nothing, a sensible girl would move on, even I think I should move on and that I’m an idiot, blah blah blah.

My shrink’s thoughts:

(a) “It’s easier for him to be attracted to someone who’s not interested.”
(b) “You usually do the rational thing and avoid and get out, right? I think you’re being more true to yourself to allow the possibility.” (Meg said similarly on the last bit.)
(c) “If you give up and you go away, then there is no hope. If you stay, there is hope.”
(d) “Until he stops talking to you, there is nothing different.”
(e) “You’re just doing the card draws to yourself. That has nothing to do with his behavior and how he feels. That’s not smart.”
(f) She said I hug too strong and mostly squeeze, I said I have been way backing down on my hugs of late anyway (coincidentally).
(g) “I think you’re gonna keep having moments” (with him) “as long as you decide that you’re not giving up. I think you have a chance. If you give up, then you don’t.”

She also said that she “drove the (husband’s name) train” and asked her husband out after they were no longer in a mutual therapy group together, which is how they met. “I put myself in places that he was. But after group I had to work at it.” She said that “when they got together” she asked him for coffee and her future husband still claims it wasn’t a date. “You’re not asking him out, you’re asking him to get together. There’s a difference,” and guys don’t consider that a date if you don’t spell out the word. “This is me, seeing my friend,” and also, “I’m thinking that he’s freaking out about the word date.”

Her opinion on this is that “He wants to spend time with you. That’s clear.” I said that as far as I’m concerned, it isn’t clear! She was all, “Well, he didn’t run off.” But you don’t want to back off to the point where he’s uninterested. Like I should ask him to see a play or something.

I also told her about my shitty relatives and she was all, “That’s not true. You can catch a man. You just can’t catch a man that you want,” and that we’re both picky and yes, they do think I’m a loser and some folks will do that, her relatives did that to her back in the day and made her cry at most family gatherings, etc.

Finally she said that the nasty voice in my head is more of a voice of fear, and that my homework is to “say yes. In general.”

I wish I could end my entry tonight on that note. That note of hope, But instead, my night at karaoke was full of shitty revelations.

First Sarah texted to say she wasn’t going. Then Scott said on Robert’s behalf that Robert wasn’t going. Then, of course, Scott said he wasn’t going either. Sucks, but at this point it’s typical behavior for him so I’m annoyed but not shocked. I sat with Jim and Ashley and Susie (note: Ashley’s now got portable oxygen luggage...but still singing and chipper) and that was fun, and I was singing Christmas songs. I didn’t bother to text anyone back on the group text about their absences.

Then I saw Scott wandering around in the parking lot and noticed that his car was parked right in front. Maybe I should have gone out and said something, but it was raining and I figured he’d come in on his own. But no, he got in his car and left.


Later on that night I did “Last Christmas,” which I deduced was ...not a favorite of Matthew’s. I ruined his “Whamageddon.” Even though she wasn’t here, I texted Sarah to say this, because she did “Let It Go” last week when he wasn’t there. She was all, sing whatever you want.

And then, well. I don’t think it’s my place to say exactly what she told me, even on a mostly deserted corner of the Internet. I will just say that I found out something shitty about someone I know that was there that night that unfortunately makes me think badly about them and I am very depressed to know this information now. I really hate when that happens and then it makes you wonder what the fuck you’re going to do.

I will also state the bare facts that that Sarah and Sarajean later did elect to come to the bar, but Sarah showed up in a costume of one of those tube people you see advertising for stores (it was her kid’s costume) and sang “Fuck You” by Lily Allen. Someone mostly left the bar for that one. Then Sarah had Sarajean do “All I Want For Christmas Is You” (which I’d done earlier, but it was allowed) while Sarah danced around in the tube outfit, and Sarajean kind of flaked halfway through so I had to finish it. Then it was my turn and I did “Christmas Is All Around” by Billy Mack, attempting to imitate the character but mostly sounding bombed and laughing through the whole thing while Sarah danced around.

This was, most likely, someone’s least favorite night of karaoke ever.

I also asked Jim why men are shitheads, and here is most of what he answered:

(1) Insecurity/fear (guess who counts on that one?)
(2) Their dad was an asshole.
(3) They always think they can do better, even when there’s no fucking way, and think “I could get Nicole Kidman.”
(4) They are convinced that freedom is more important than intimacy.
(5).... he did not want me to repeat #5 (I’m assuming this was a “man code” thing because he was uncomfortable), but I’ll just indicate it was about sexual frequency and you can guess from there. Like literally anyone could guess that one. Also, he followed that with “do NOT tell Scott this.” O RLY, I thought, and inquired why. (Like, did his ex stop boinking or something? Where the shit did this come from? Because I really doubt these guys have been privately shooting the shit about nookie like, any time at all.) He was all, “I just picked a random name.” Uh-huh.


On the one hand, I had fun at karaoke.

On the other hand, I am now filled with rage all Aggretsuko style at dude behavior. For those of you out there who somehow landed nice men for decades, I truly don’t get how you managed it. Seriously, why fucking bother? Why think someone’s nice and then find out otherwise?

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