Note: I'm tired of being days behind on these entries and I'm only going to get more behind this weekend, so here's the last three days, which have been sad and dull for the most part. I hate winter so much.

12/11/19:

I called in sick to work today and took a mental health day and went back to bed till like 11. For once I don’t have a lot of work to do and probably won’t until January since I have mostly cleared my docket and If I’m not gonna be doing much, screw it, let’s not go in.

I texted my shrink and asked if she wanted to take back her advice from yesterday about how I should ask to hang out with him one on one and she said “no, just when” and “it’s all about timing.” And that it’s not all about me, he’s allowed to change his mind, it’s not like he bailed on set plans and then didn’t tell you, and he’s not a jerk but we all have times of behaving that way, and what is the truth here? I don’t know, but it’s probably that I need to give up on the idea, stop seeing him around (which will be easy in the winter) and stop hoping. She said if I want him in my life, that totally disappearing isn’t wise, and then at that point got sick of texting.

I watched Crisis on Infinite Earths/Black Lightning off and on all day, which is nice and distracting. Distraction is my best and ultimate friend and it’s always been there for me more more than any human ever has.

I also decided since I had daytime free time today, to go do Christmas shopping.

Since my Christmas tree apron has had one of the light sets sewn into it die, I went to Joann’s to look for more green thread, buttons for the coat I’m making, and more “Heat Wave” yarn because I got an idea to make Mom a scarf out of it. Didn’t find another light set there, though, darn it.

I went to the Hallmark store and they are now selling Hallmark Channel Christmas movie merchandise, which FINALLY is a thing I can give my mom. I bought she and I matching T shirts (“My Christmas Wish Is To Live In A Hallmark Movie”...yes, I mean this literally because fuck depressing reality especially at the holidays) and her some Hallmark Channel slippers. I restrained myself from buying the Monopoly board game since I asked for it for Christmas.

Other merch they have:
* Shirt that says “Hallmark Movie Hero” (I don’t know any guy who’d wear that... I think Scott would react in horror, NOT THAT THIS IS EVER GONNA BE AN ISSUE, MIND YOU)
* “This Is My Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie Watching Sweater,” which I want but it was $50 and I was already spending that on gifts today.
* Shirt/sweatshirt that says “Can’t Today, Hallmark Movies Are On. Priorities,” which I was temped on but they didn’t have too many of the shirts and the sweatshirt was also $50.
* Shirt that says “Oh, Hallmark Channel, You Just Get Me,” which I almost bought for Mom but those shirts ran small (the ones I got ran big, but she will complain more about tight fit rather than big).
* Shirt that says “Happy Hour is any hour I’m watching Hallmark Channel” (if Mom drank more, I’d get that).
* Hallmark Channel flannel pants
* Hallmark Channel adult onesies (oh good god).
* A Hallmark Channel bundle trivia game, which I kind of wanted but nobody would play with me and you can’t do trivia alone.
* Shirt that says “Parent of Future Hallmark Movie Star” (not relevant to my interests)
* Hat with a tag on it that says “Warm & Cozy Like A Hallmark Movie”
* Doormats that says “Shhh, Hallmark Channel Is On But Come On In”
* Various books and movies for $15 a pop, which I did not buy because who knows if Mom would read ‘em and she tapes all the movies anyway.

At least it was all 30 percent off.

Then I went to Target after I got the idea to see if the Downton Abbey movie is out or anything like that. It was not, but I did take more photos of awful Christmas and Hanukkah sweaters, and found a shirt that said “I just want to bake stuff and watch Christmas movies.” I bought that for Mom. I also bought a light up menorah moose thing I saw a few weeks ago for Loretta (which was $10 off from when I saw it at Michael’s week sago) and a bird ornament wearing a sweater (why does a bird need a Christmas sweater?!) for $3, and I found a light set I could use in my Christmas tree apron for $6. So that worked out, at least.

Then I went back home and watched more television. Distraction is the ultimate best friend.

12/12/19:

I have now hit the point at work where there really isn’t much to do around here. I got asked to provide the young’uns with enough work to keep them paid for the holidays, which is slightly hard AND well, takes away from what would be keeping me busy. Oh well, the nice thing about having my own office this year is that it’s harder for anyone to notice when I am ah, idling about. My current boss was all, “only a week and a half to go!”

I found out some wacky shit from my coworkers today.

1. I was told that someone called our office (which note: HAS NO MEDICAL ANYTHING WHATSOEVER) to say that they thought their appendix burst and what should they do?
"HANG UP AND CALL 911," Hannah said.
"Can you transfer me to the medical center?"
"NO, I AM GOING TO HANG UP SO THAT YOU CAN CALL 911."

That is officially the worst mis-call I have ever heard of in this office. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU CALL A NON-MEDICAL OFFICE IF YOU THINK YOUR APPENDIX BURST?! Like, it took some work to do something that dumb.

2. Hamster Girl had this happen in her neighborhood. She said the murderer was staying with her 20 year old neighbors and she could hear him outside "sweet talking girls," but had no idea anything was wrong until the SWAT team came.

In other news, I attempted to talk to Mom about seeing Meg after Christmas and she’s down with the idea, but was heading off to dinner with Roger so she couldn’t talk long. Then I later called Meg and told her about karaoke and what happened.

I love Meg so much. Seriously, she’s amazing. Her take on things was that she just loves people, regardless of whether or not they want her to, and said that was what Stephen said to her back in the day when she was running from being with him: I get to decide how I feel about you, you don’t get to. She wanted to control how he felt back in the day. Likewise, he doesn’t have to like me back, don’t worry about it, him being scared is his problem. She said that friendship drives you in directions you would probably never go, like her watching hockey games with her husband.

She said I was right in that he can’t handle non group hangouts, and thinks he left once he realized I was the only one there, but “he couldn’t be invisible to one person.” It was me (I guess) but it also wasn’t.... everyone has different parameters. “It’s probably more about him than you,” and “I think he needs a group.” He wouldn’t have gone in if he couldn’t have blended in. “He can’t have too small of a pack right now.”

So there you go.

12/13/19:

I wanted to go home early and claim to be sick today (I once had a coworker go home sick with "a case of the blahs," and man, I wanted to say the same today), but I had to turn my timesheet in early and thus I could not. I was soooooooooo blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah and tired and bored off my ass. I had frizzy hair after leaving the house even after I doused it with product (THE HORRORS), and instead of dressing fancy, I wore jeans and a flannel shirt and a navy sweatshirt, which is as boring as it gets and clearly I have given up on life. Hannah also told me I was dressing like the 90’s. I spent the afternoon trying not to pass out on the keyboard.

Interestingly enough, once I got to leave work and was no longer chained to my desk pretending to work, I had some more energy. I hit a craft fair on the way home (yes, there was some random craft fair outside tonight?!) and bought a pretty key necklace. Then I attempted to go to all of the craft stores in Woodland (I was feeling lazy) to find safety eyes, which are apparently nonexistent in all of that town. Dammit. But I did get my “All I Want For Christmas Is A Baby Yoda” sweatshirt that I ordered off Etsy, so there’s that!

Heard from Scott via group text asking if anyone could do an escape room this weekend, but Robert said he was sick. Sigh. Attempted to ask if anyone wanted to try scheduling for next week and of course got no response. Again, why do I bother?

And now I am watching some terrible Christmas movies on Netflix so I have something to post for the next few days, since I won't really have time to update late at night about what I'm doing over the weekend and will instantly be two days behind again.

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