SunShines Series #1: I Wanna Be A Guy
2006-12-15, 8:23 a.m.
(I am pre-writing some entries in the event that I don't get time to compose anything this weekend. More on those activities later.)
The title says it all.
For the record, I am not transsexual. I don't feel like A Guy inside to the point where I need to change my hormones and get the tits hacked off and grow a 'stashe. But then again, I don't feel like A Girl either, just some kind of failure in the gender department altogether. I may dress in girly-girl drag, but I don't act like a woman. And really, given the option, I'd have picked to be a man. That line from 3rd Rock From The Sun- "How come I had to be the woman?" "Because you lost"- has always seemed appropriate to me.
Okay, pardon the tree-hugging hippie talk that is about to emerge at this point.
I picked up a copy of a book called "SunShines: The Astrology of Being Happy" by Michael Lutin. Now, normally I wouldn't pick up anything with this kind of title or screeching yellow cover, but I love reading Michael Lutin's writing on some strange level, so I picked it up. And man, is it good. Even if you are not into astrology, the psychological insights he's got going in this are spectacular.
The way this book works is that somehow based on your sun sign and where your north node is, he has written things that key in to what your personal journey is, what your issues are, and how to solve them are. He has a section per person's sign/nodes, then he refers you to reading certain chapters at the end of the book for more information on the happiness thing. I am not entirely sure HOW he did the astrology for this, exactly, but one of the chapters I was cited to read, "Independence," is downright spookily accurate when it comes to my personality.
It actually articulates my whole "I wanna act like a man" thing very nicely, in ways I never thought of saying it in before.
"You seem to equate human need with weakness, and, man or woman, you're afraid of being a "little girl." This will manifest itself differently depending on your gender. The result, however, is the same. You insist on your maleness, on a certain macho image you have created that has nothing whatever to do with whether you are sexually oriented to the same or opposite gender. You're the typical Joe Guy who does everything, tackles life, and doesn't ask for help.
There's a secret behind your strong image. Behind your super competence lie fragility and need, protected by an impenetrable wall of well-crafted defense that has been built up since you were five, and even before. Your more vulnerable feminine side is revealed only in the most intimate situations, and even then you allow only part of it to show and for brief periods only. Your wall of defense has a male persona, but unlike Marlene Dietrich in a tux, your need to be "male" is more than a drag act. It's the part of your personality that gives you peace and pleasure, and releases you from the strain of revealing a more submissive, curvaceous, beveled, and civilized aspect of relating. You are more comfortable being the lone animal, gnawing on a bone in a cave than you are sitting at a State dinner between the secretary of state and the queen of Lambada..."
Now, while I actually would be quite fine at the state dinner (the SoS and the queen would probably be easier to deal with than sitting through Christmas dinner with the PITAs, by far), I have to say that whole "lone animal gnawing on a bone in a cave, Joe Macho Guy" thing REALLY REALLY appeals. I don't like Acting Like A Woman With Feelings these days. I don't like being in situations where I am supposed to act like a girl, i.e. around my mother, or around a bunch of older women yakking about dinner recipes and children. It's just...yuck.
There's a section called "Your Past Life (If There Is Such A Thing)," during which he describes a life that I think is quite fabulous-sounding.
"In another life you evolved into a kind of Aryan Superman. Or someone a lot like him. A champion for the downtrodden, or a pain in the ass. Probably both. Definitely a man. A highly respected and feared man.... You trusted no one. Depended on no one. Needed no one. Whatever whim struck, you pursued. It was a wonderful life, being able to say and do whatever came into your head, having no commitments and responsibilities, wandering the globe or being considered the town crazy or a revered leader- it was a blast. You were a good person, but you were interested in only yourself."
I'm thinking, "That sounds GREAT! Why can't I do that again?" No wonder I like shows that feature characters like that. Heck, in his NaNo novel this year, my friend Richard has a female character who is really into John Wayne and Westerns, and I was all, "Oooh, that is really coooool."
"Your life was full of exploration and wonder, but it was rootless, and you resented any form of commitment that you considered entrapping and castrating."
So in this life, I got punished by having my mother, eh?
"Most important, you did not attach enough importance to women and their role in society."
So... I got punished for not thinking it's great to be feminine by being stuck as a woman, huh? Okay, he doesn't say that, but I sort of wonder if that's implied for half of the readers.
The irritating thing (and to be fair, Michael Lutin knows this is going to irritate the people like me) is that this chapter is promoting interdependence. But I'll do more about that particular thing in the next one of the series.
The weird thing was, I used to be more of a girly girl, at least on the emotional front (if not in the behavior realm). I acted like that for 20+ years, and it didn't get me anywhere beneficial to be a soft, curvaceous, feelings-having wittle girl who needed help. Why is this good, again?
(P.S. Happy birthday, Jess :)