I think I've found a song of late that may be close to Grandma standards.

Recently I acquired a CD, "Trucker's Christmas," which quite delighted me when I saw it. I bought it for $10 in a pack with "Christmas in the Country" and "Redneck Christmas Party," which should tell you something about the quality of these things.

I thought the CD would be a big funny joke, kinda like on Whose Line Is It Anyway, where they do the song sketches where they make up concept albums like "Songs of the Podiatrists." Well, it's like that, but uh...pretty deadly serious, and thus not all that interesting to anyone who isn't a trucker. (Yeah, I know, that's not the intended audience.)

The themes on this album are:

(a) going home for Christmas,

(b) hauling stuff for Christmas,

(c) truckers surely do love Christmas, oh yes, they do

(d) Santa, bring me a "dream machine" (i.e. big rig) from Wal-Mart.

However, there is one song on this album that is completely random from the subject matter and yet has the potential to be a truly great breakout Christmas wacky song. You can hear a sample of it here. It's called "Dang It, I'm Vixen," by Hometown.

Well, you all heard about Rudolph

At the North Pole he stole the show

When he walks in a place,

Everyone knows his face,

He always leaves with the prettiest doe.

Well, that's gotten a few others of us angry

and I'm more than a little irate

So let's get one thing clear,

I'm more than just a deer,

I'm one of the original eight!

(Chorus)

'Cause dang it, I'm Vixen,

and I'm here to kick some reindeer booty

Dang it, I'm Vixen,

and this Christmas song is for me!

Now Rudolph, he's got his own song

and his own yearly show on TV

Where he saves the day

by guiding Santa's sleigh,

and we're all supposed to jump up with glee.

Well, since then he's been acting real snotty,

more than just a little stuck up

So Donner and me,

we're gonna drink 2 or 3,

and go out and get us a buck!

Chorus

Well, he shoulda given Rudolph a brown nose

for all the kissing up he does each year,

saying, "Santa, you look great!

Have you lost some weight?

Can I please guide all your reindeer?"

Well, your 15 minutes, they're over,

and Rudy dear, pardon me if I'm crass,

and although we're close,

you can take your red nose,

pucker up, and kiss my reindeer (truck honk)!*

I find it amusing that the bad word is interrupted by a truck horn- that seems to be the one tie-in to the "Trucker's Christmas" theme. You can tell that they know this is a good song because it's put on the album twice out of 11 songs.

I suppose it was about time that a song like this came out: one that rebelled against the old Rudolph tradition. Everyone's heard the original so many billions of times, you tend to forget about ahem, the original eight. In a completely weird way, this reminds me of my favorite Christmas book, The Santa Claus Book, which gives short bios of all of the original eight, when possible (I seem to recall one of the deer did nothing but wave a tail at him.) According to him, Dasher (real name: Rita) is a multiple-times winner of the reindeer formation flying competitions, Donner and Blitzen are twins, Vixen surely does love her mirror, and "Prancer" is a joke- his real name is Chauncey, but he's more often known as "Feed-bag" because ALL he does the rest of the year is eat.

Wouldn't it be fun to have biographical songs on all the reindeer? They had such goofy personalities in this book that it could work, I think... even if ahem, Vixen's a little different here. I did once find a song called "Leroy, the Redneck Reindeer" though...

One does have to wonder about the band's choice of reindeer to write a song about, though. Most of Santa's reindeer have rather gender-vague names, except for Vixen, who obviously sounds female. You guessed it, "Dang It, I'm Vixen" is sung by a growly-voiced guy. That's the topper. It comes across even odder than when Dr. Elmo sings a song from a female point of view.

This is a Christmas hit just laying in wait, I'm telling ya. Someday it'll be "Don't Make Me Play That Vixen Song Again" on all the country stations. Okay, maybe not, but I can dream...

* All lyrics are the property and copyright of their respective owners. All lyrics are provided for educational purposes and personal use only.

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