Chaos Attraction

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics

2003-12-18, 10:08 p.m.

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I have to give the award to South Park's "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics" for Most Outrageous Holiday Album Ever. Not only is it hilarious and sick, the creators managed to write great songs about completely offensive, gross, bigoted, and depressing subject matter, as well as writing more than one song about being The Other Religion during December. Kudos!

What can one say about the idea of a "Christmas Poo?" (And "Mr. Hankey?" Why no "Mr. TP?" Hey, I had to ask.) What can one say about the line, "Squeezing 'tween your festive buns"? It's pretty hard to pick a more disgusting idea for a Christmas deity. There's the lovely song about sharing the Christmas spirit with other nations, "Merry Fucking Christmas." There's the uplifting song reminding everyone of their mortality, "Dead, Dead, Dead," sung by the South Park Children's Choir. And through the creators of South Park, we now know that even Satan, who you'd think would be against this sorta thing at least on principle, likes to celebrate "Christmas Time In Hell."

And then there's the fabulous "The Most Offensive Song Ever", performed by Mr. Hankey and our ever-mumble-mouthed Kenny, who manages to slip in plenty of lyrics about how Mary can give blow jobs to every male in Creation and still be a virgin in the eyes of God. (Really. Look here.) One can't deny that it's all brilliant, in it's own twisted way.

There's also our man Kyle Broflovski, the one school-age Jewish kid in South Park, the man left out, "The Lonely Jew On Christmas." Not only does the kid get his feelings across about the holiday, he even starts to see the bright side of celebrating something else. "You don't have to go to Grandma's house with your alcoholic family!" And there's even a whopping SECOND song on the Christmas album about Judaism, sharing it with friends, their own version of the inevitable dreidel song. It's a stunning song in the round, between Kyle teaching Ike and Stan the game while Cartman whines, Mrs. Broflovski crows, and Mr. Broflovski lusts after Courtney Cox, obviously not paying attention to which holiday he's celebrating in song. Heh.

It's an album that truly has to be appreciated by any collector of the wacky.

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