Well, I'm back from the work holiday party. This year we had Hawaiian food. It was okay, the best part being the chicken and the worst part being the pork. (How on earth does someone make pork tasteless?) Then we had the usual baking contest- one of the previous winners won again. There is also a downstairs-upstairs rivalry thing going on (the office is split onto two floors, which is kinda stupid, but nobody can figure out how to fix it, apparently), and the downstairs people are apparently ticked that so far, only upstairs people have won (or won twice). I'm all, "Can't we just all get along?"

And then came the thing I talk about every year...the gift swap.

Popular gifts fought over this year:
* walking Christmas pig ("oink oink oink, oink oink oink, oink oink oink oink oink..."), stolen 3 times.

* this Christmas light disco ball thing, stolen 3 times.
Amusingly enough, the two chicks who ended up with those were stealing it from each other, and probably would have been just as happy to get the gift they got as well as the one they had stolen. (One of those girls is a pro at this game, somehow. She ended up with last year's screaming monkey.)
* wind-up monkey toy, I think that just got stolen twice.
* Lego fireman kit. This was especially funny because it was stolen from the Big Boss, who is obsessed with Legos. Big Boss had been delighted to steal the Lego, and was very sad to get it stolen away by chick #1 and he couldn't get it back.

I ended up with (stole it!) the following:

* poopin' bear keychain (oh, come, I must get the tacky)
* Office Toys How To Waste Your Day At Work kit, came with a monkey of its own
* Caramel popcorn. Yes, this all came together. I was expecting it to get stolen from me and kept thinking of what I'd go after AFTER I lost it (pretty much everything that went 3 times and was ruled out of the game after 3 steals). But I am happy to keep it!

Also funny was this. One of the chicks I was sitting with was all, "In the e-mail it said White Elephant gift. Isn't that the one where you give something around the house you don't want?"
Me: "Yes, but people don't actually do that here."
Other chicks at table: "Yeah, we didn't do that either."
First chick: "Uh-oh..."

Well, I guessed what she gave when it got opened: a turkey stuffing cage. For the rest of the game everyone screamed, "STEAL THE TURKEY CAGE!" Naturally, that did not occur, but afterwards people figured out that he could just put a bunch of candy in it and hang it on the wall as a decoration just as well as anything else. Happy ending!

For the record, let me share some of the information from my office toy kid, particularly the part about playing "office basketball" and "office football:"

Basketball-Crumpling Directions:
1. Take a sheet of paper from the kit. Keeping the basketball pattern facing out, vigorously and enthusiastically crumple it into a small ball (the smaller the ball, the more aerodynamically efficient, and improved shooting accuracy will be obtained).
2. Proceed to utilize your wastebasket for its true purpose, as a basketball hoop. From a sitting or standing position, place the ball in your dominant hand. Gently shoot the ball toward the basket (frestanding or positioned against the wall or file cabinet for "backboard" utilization). With every made basket, do an animated celebratory dance around your cubicle or office. See how many shots can be made out of 2,500.
3. Switch hands and compare shooting percentages.

Football-Folding Directions:
1. Go borrow the tape dispenser of the coworker whose office is located the farthest from yours. Slowly return to your office, fully participating in every available conversation.
2. Take a sheet of paper form the kit. Gently grasp the two long sides of the paper between the respective thumb and forefinger of both hands. Very slowly, proceed to fold it in half vertically so that the football pattern is standing out. Stand up, stretch, and take a coffee break!
3. Starting from the top, fold the corner into a triangle. Now go take a restroom break!
4. Continue folding triangles until you run out of paper and then tuck any excess paper into the open side of your magnificent football-shaped triangle. Time for lunch!
5. Upon returning, take your well-deserved post-lunch nap. Once you're adequately refreshed, tape the goal post on the opposite side of these instructions to a nearby wall. Now, before you begin to play, go enjoy a non-business related phone call!"

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