For December 18. This was a very busy day and has about three days worth of entries on its own. Continued from here.

Part B: Okay, we’re going back in time to Tuesday again. I’m finding it hard to describe this whole experience, but it was very cool.

Alison is someone I know from knitting groups--she used to run one I went to, and after it was discontinued we both ended up at the one on Monday nights too. Now, I knew that she had a business in graphic recording and she’d mentioned things about it here and there. She did an interview with someone at the free weekly paper about it a while back and I read it and I thought this sounded really cool.

But this bit is what caught my eye:

“Often when people are stuck, they know what they need to do to move forward, yet the steps involved in getting there can seem overwhelming. Graphic recording is an excellent tool for transition coaching. By listening carefully to haphazard thoughts, concerns and fears and capturing and organizing them on paper, Alison is able to identify patterns and coax out a structure for a future course of action.”

So I talked to her about it--she said she had a lot of friends in crisis mode--and decided to make an appointment with her to do one of these for me. Because lord knows I can go on and on and on in the same cycle o’ shit.

Let me approximate this cycle o’ shit for you:

(a) I hate answering the phones and it makes me wish I was dead and this job has been going bad on me for six years now, I need to get out before I get fired because I pissed someone off again.

(b) However, every single job listing I see wants things out of me I can’t do or have no experience in or don’t want to do and they ALL want phones all day. I can’t find another job and there is literally nothing out there for me. I haven’t the faintest idea what I’d do other than this anyway and careerwise I am pretty well locked into this industry for now. Also am totally unsure if I am willing to move for a job or not.

(c) I should start my own business in something because literally everybody says that to me! However, running a business is fucking hard and I can’t handle the math.

(d) I’d love it if someone else ran the business. However, every time I have this conversation with friends about how we should all do one, we all end up looking down at our shoes while our hearts sink to the floor and none of us wants to run a business.

(e) So running a business isn’t an option (ditto freelance, same thing), so I need to have a regular day job that has income because I want health insurance and I don’t want to have to be freaked about my survival. Regular day job is the only answer.

(f) Go back up to b, realize once again that there is no escape from this job. Tell myself over and over again that all I can do is practice radical acceptance/numbness, that I need to do literally anything I have to do in order to keep this job because I have no other options.

(g) Work on that acceptance thing, which is easier at times (i.e. right now when everything is not in crisis) than others.

(h) Have another bad day at work and go back to (a) again.

“When your job doesn’t fit and you view the problem as permanent, pervasive, and personalized, it’s almost impossible to find the energy to do the work of arranging a change. And so you stay stuck, spinning your wheels, and getting angry or depressed.”

The cycle continues. I can’t find a way off of it. So after seeing Alison’s website I was all, well, let’s have her take a crack at this because lord knows I and my therapist are stumped. (My therapist was all for this.) So she booked us a private study room at the library and sat down with paper and colors, because lord knows I love the colors.

Let’s see if I can remember it all...

* Trying to find a new job, or start my own business, well, debating about those isn’t going to really go anywhere. I don’t know about moving, but Mom isn’t exactly going to be supportive of my doing that anyway. I think we covered that territory and then she was kinda like, just let’s move on. Truth be told, neither job hunting nor business starting is really an option, is it? Work on the resume/Linked In sort of thing, but overall, just try to focus on life outside of work. Use all the crap things that happen to you there as job material--according to her the funniest thing she ever heard me say was something about people being horrible on the phones, but I said it in a very funny way. I have plenty of shit/funny stories about people there I’d like to tell, especially if I ever get out of the job and don’t have to say, see the sharks daily. She wrote down the quote I mentioned by Anne Lamott: “If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” Use that pain.

* So let’s focus on the stuff you do want to do, performing and crafts. She thinks I should do a video podcast under some obviously fake name/alias and suggested doing stories about my various sweaters. I’m not sure on the video podcast idea necessarily (insecurities about voice, people calling me a fat cow on the Internet since I have a fat head...I don’t think I mentioned that last one but it’s a conversation I used to have with a friend who wanted to do YouTube but knew darned well what would happen if she did that while fat, so she didn’t), but I freaking love the idea about doing stories about my sweaters. I’m now pondering the idea of trying to do some kind of story sweaters, though I’d need a good idea before I execute that one. Sam Barsky, the guy who knits sweaters to match locations, comes to mind. Something kinda like this? Build a portfolio by doing things I enjoy. Maybe do sales/sell patterns.

* Perform whenever you can--I’ll be doing that! We talked about Homework for Life and otherwise documenting the crazy shit that goes on. Usually I’m doing that here, really.
* We did discuss how I totally freeze (no fight, no flight) in every single situation. And that I totally block myself instantly when I think of a problem I can’t figure out how to solve/get around ahead of time. Hence the cycle.

* She thinks my quirkiness is my biggest asset and said she’d love to see my websites, would give advice on storytelling/wants to see this, stuff like that.

* Basically, build my own reality (outside of work), that should be my path.

You can see it here.

Stone Girl’s entry the other day felt like it was pretty related to this topic I am mentioning. Yes, it sure seems like almost everyone doing Holidailies is probably an old school blogger who has stopped blogging for 11 months of the year. Blogging isn’t cool any more and everyone is all about the Facebook (sigh). And then there was this:

”Another theme I saw in a blog I read that I feel I share is somewhat related to the desire to remain under the world’s radar. Maybe not completely anonymous, but at least innocuous enough to not draw negative attention from anyone who would do more than start a flame war.”

I don’t know if this one was me because I don’t think I’ve mentioned that topic this December yet, but it’s a big ol’ issue with me. Nobody’s reading this blog any more when it’s not December. Nowadays that’s hard to do since Diaryland hasn’t modernized at all (I am seriously surprised it still exists, someone actually bothered to update the internal posting page this year and they hadn’t updated it since 2014!) and there’s no RSS feed or tweeting and my original mailing list died and apparently mailing lists in general are also dead now, so you’d actually have to just remember to check this URL to know if it updated.

That’s kind of sad in general, but also probably for the best these days given the dramas that have been going on in the last few years. I can talk about them here because nobody’s reading, but I am of course taking a risk that my ex-bully or High Horse or current boss or who the hell ever (exes, be forewarned, and note that Anne Lamott quote!) might someday see it and take offense. But these days it’s pretty unlikely anyone sees anything if it’s not originally posted on social media. I’ve posted some shit elsewhere that might be crazy controversial if anyone had ever actually seen it (say, terrible photos of my old roommate’s horny cat that would make Twitter explode)--but nope, nobody has because it ain’t on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram. As long as you stay below the radar these days, you might be fine.

However, as you’ve noticed in this entry... what happens if I do get noticed? What if I put myself out there? I kind of wish I had pimped myself online harder before social media became a menace to society, and/or done things anonymously while it was still possible to do that, because if I was already Internet known for being wackadoo or whatever, it’d be a moot point and “too late now” to debate. Instead, I think of it as poking a bear, or worse.

I just don’t know if I can make myself known online without ruining my life. Nobody cares if you’re on a stage doing community theater or storytelling or whatever (really, I think I just want my coworker Eric’s life, he gets in plays constantly so his showoff urges are clearly being satisfied in life) or at least that doesn’t seem to be a thing that would blow up your life. But the Internet is a many headed hydra and I unfortunately would be very easy to find if say, someone wanted to harass me at work because they were offended at my ugly sweater or they saw a storytelling video of mine on YouTube and decided they hated my fat head and the fact that I have a vagina and therefore must die. Or just lost their mind over anything. (though this lady has a point about getting paid for this). Plus I’m all gunshy after the doxxing attempt a few years ago--not this website, my old silly links blog that I had to discontinue when the crazy exploded. Of course I did that one to myself for posting shit while at work while someone felt nosy and I’m not doing that no more, but still.

I just don’t know. I’m freezing up again. I think I’m too distinctive to pull off anonymity. I want to, or at least I can post stuff to say, my craft blog without anyone losing their minds, but anything where people actually notice?

I feel like I need to do this, but at the same time I can’t help but (constantly) wonder if I’m going to destroy my life, job prospects and safety if anyone sees me.

And here I go cycling again.

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