A Very Whiny Solstice
2014-12-22, 4:20 p.m.
(written yesterday, I'm a day behind in posting events + Diaryland had some kind of crash for a while.)
Yesterday I was at my cousin's graduation and then graduation party, which was fun. But today I have been mopey. I got into an argument with Mom about trying to set up the new TV she bought me for Christmas--I told her I wanted a small TV and she insisted on getting a bigger screen and then she's griping at me for not having a big enough space for it and she wants more furniture for it. Meanwhile I am all "can't we try to fit it on the current furniture, because I DO NOT NEED MORE FURNITURE." Seriously, I have so much furniture she bought me that I don't want and don't really have the room for and haven't even taken out of the box in some cases. And... standoff ensued. Ugh.
Today is the first day in ages that it hasn't been raining and SUN has been out (ironic since it's the longest night of the year day, happy fucking Yule), so Mom and I bailed water out of the car and spent way too much time trying to find the leak. We still have no idea, though one of the lights on the front of the car seems to have water in it, so it might be that...Fuck if either of us knows what to do about it when it rains again. And especially we don't know who to take it to that we think can figure out how to fix it. Sigh.
It was a day of uncomfortable conversations. While Mom was fine after being at my aunt's, I was feeling a bit loserish because my cousins, as usual, are far more impressive than I am. The oldest one has always known from the getgo that she wants to go into the medical field, even if she's changed her mind from being a straight up doctor--genetic counselor is the goal last I heard and she works at a medical center. The middle one is finally in law school in Hawaii, even though she's ALREADY wanting to transfer out and go back home. And the third one's already gotten into some vet school in New Zealand (though I don't think any of them can stand to be away from family, so I would be flabbergasted if she actually did it and stuck to it) and is waiting on all the other ones she applied to, and is up for some vet-ish job in SF.
They're all so impressive and then here am I, lameass clerical worker with no goals. And I said as much last night on the way home. Today Mom was feeling all guilty because she and Dad weren't more ambitious/pushing me to be more ambitious. I don't think that's the problem--I've always been ambitious without ambition, i.e. I want to Do Something but never knew what. But for them it's easy. They've always known early on what they wanted, and it was something where all they had to do was just go to school a lot and then get a job at it. They don't have to think out a plan, they don't have to freelance or start their own business, they didn't have to fly by the seat of their pants and be broke indefinitely to do it. I've never been clear on a practical, doable, someone-else-employs-me-at-it, "this is what I want" thing, and I...pretty much feel like this. Disappointed in what I am. I'm not the sort of person who is going to be fulfilled by having a happy family of four in this lifetime, so I can't pull that off. If that's not the way I can go, like most people do, I'd rather Do Something. But fuck if I know what.
So in general I am mopey, and completely and utterly at a loss as to how to deal with my biggest problems, and apparently I can't even figure out how to install a TV on my own and I am a moron. Whee.
After Mom finally left, I went to the gym and worked out for 2 hours while watching the last episode of Ascension (hoo boy, that show), and then sat around outside finishing up a Christmas present and enjoyed looking outside and being outside in NO RAIN, ACTUAL SUN. I said after I got some Vitamin D in, I'd go home and clean...and then of course I got home and didn't want to and finished watching my Netflix DVD's, in between calls from Mom because she called six damn times after leaving. The last of them was to break some bad news about our post-Christmas plans--they're not happening because our mutual friend we were going off with bailed because she's also broke after shopping. And she wanted to know what I wanted to do instead and frankly, I just don't give a shit and really should not be doing anything anyway except staying at home cleaning, not "having a vacation." Except that sucks too, and lord knows the both of us are happier when not at home....
Anyway....yeah, I am just not in a mood. It's the darkest night of the year. I should be doing some sort of Yule thing and I just don't care, I'd like to think that things will only get better from here on in, but realistically they'll just get physically lighter and that's about it. I don't know how to solve my biggest, overwhelming problems and hell, I can't even figure out the TV.