Chaos Attraction

A Very Handsome Christmas

2021-12-22, 8:29 a.m.

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Cast list as of November 2019

Tuesday update:

Today's Hallmark: The Christmas House 2: Deck Those Halls.
WE'RE BACK TO WATCHING HANDSOME JUSTICE AGAIN, I LOVE IT SO. You know what's great about these movies? Doing stuff like having the judge get arrested and Mike saying, "This is the Big Apple, and justice just took a bite out of you!"
Andi's son is really obsessed with Cheez-Its.
GUESS WHAT! YOU GOT ON "DECK THOSE HALLS!" in which celebrities deck their houses. "I told them Mike Mitchell is the king of Christmas--" "You said what?!"
"Clint Ham-Some" jokes are flying fast. The parents are going to be co-leads in "You Sleigh Me."
All the Mitchells start claiming they're going to have a simple Christmas this year. YEAH, RIGHT. The mere mention of television and GUESS WHAT. Then after the other celebrity guest cancels, the agent gets the bright idea to turn it into BROTHER VS BROTHER!!!! They draw straws for parents. Brother Brandon got Mom and Mike got Dad and I guess Dad is not the desirable one? "Rockefeller Center meets the gingerbread house of your dreams" is brother's idea. Mike wants to do a magic show, but Noah, who was into it last movie is over it now. Bummer.

Mike: "Why would anyone want to be the king of Christmas?"
Mike: "I can't help that other people see me as royalty."

"Both you and your brother were conceived between Christmas and New Year's!"
"Please stop talking."

The brothers race through a maze. Mike has a magnificently filmed trip and fall. And then Andi's ex Zane shows up. He's also stunningly handsome. And quite the European traveler. Watching the Mitchells roll eyes and face palm and furrowing brows...Also, "You punched a shark." "Right in the snoot." Mike imitating Zane on the reality show couch is a delight.

Dad and Mom on the reality show couch, plugging their play. "It's really pretty good." THAT'S how Dad sells the play?

Brandon gets obsessed with candy cane cupcakes and wants a runway for them. Then outside...Some carolers, Mike's PA's and fans/neighbors all show up to carol/be on the show. Brandon objects to this. Mike points out, "You are literally married to an architect. That should be against the rules."
Brandon: "You can't just use randos who show up on your front porch!" Mike notes that being on a hit show has some perks. Brandon's shit fit gets filmed, of course.

"I find big moments are easier to do in costume." Mike has been circling the idea of proposing--Andi seems pretty aware it's likely to happen, Noah's fine with it, his dad wants him to do it already--but now that Noah's dad is hovering around wanting back in, Mike feels a little awkward.

Brandon is having issues: "Everyone always rallies around him. it drives me crazy." "Do you want to win or be Mike?" "Both."
Dane horns in on the TV show and starts to preach about being in Peru or whatever and commercialism sucks. I think Mike's...agent, whoever? has the hots for Dane.

Brandon's husband Jake decided to propose before Brandon did, "keeping it simple" as advice for Mike. "Mostly I'm just praying for chill. No surprises," says Andi. Awkwardness ensues for Mike and the reality TV camera. Brandon continues to have another breakdown in the driveway in front of the cameras, and Mike finally tells him he's NOT the king of Christmas. Brandon is ice cold mad at this and is basically all "this means war," even though let's face it, they were already at war.

We get to see the parents in the play. Meanwhile in the audience, the brothers fight over the armrest so conspicuously that everyone else is noticing. Um...this play is advertising electric stoves?!? No, seriously, his mom is doing that. The brothers get rightfully kicked out of the show. "Are we the worst sons ever?" "No, not even close." Mike is all "I have to live up to things" and "I don't need you trying to outdo me too" around the "shark-punching ex." Life seems so easy for you being all charming and straight, Brandon says, especially since Mike's the little brother. Mike says nobody outshines Brandon. Brandon is afraid that Mike will outshine him with the kids. Mike says Brandon is fearless and he wishes he was like that. "I pretend to be other people for a living." Awww. "You think anyone in the theater is having an experience as cathartic as we're having in the lobby?" "I really doubt that."

THEN THEY FIND OUT A PA CRASHED INTO BRANDON'S HOUSE WITH A VAN. "We can fix this. There's time." Sure 'nuff, Mike rallies the neighbors or whoever to fix up...whatever. The parents decide they're "retiring again" and huff out of there. "About that worst sons ever thing..." "That would be a yes."

Welcome to Deck The Halls: A Very Handsome Christmas! The show is on! The brothers call their parents on (calling them by the portmanteau "Billis," which they do not recognize at first), and then Brandon apologizes and advertises the parents' theater show. It "seems to be some sort of commentary on gender roles in media, and is also sort of a farce, and also a commercial. For Sears. Check it out."

Brandon's: baked goods everywhere, candy canes, cupcakes. THERE ARE COOKIES WITH MIKE'S FACE ON THEM. I'm not even sure whose house is whose here, to be honest? BUT COOKIES WITH MIKE'S FACE.

I haven't really recapped that this magic store guy has been floating around the movie and it has something to do with a specific ring Mike wants for Andi. Anyway, dude shows up and tells Noah to check his pocket, and the ring is there.

The winner is... BRANDON and his baked good house! He gives the trophy to his mom. Mike declares it "the perfect ending" and Andi declares "he is never going to let you live this down." Noah gives Mike his gift now--a glitter cape--and the ring box. The cameras suddenly notice a proposal is going on (way to upstage, Mike....though I get this has ended up being spontaneous and prompted). Of course she says yes. "Does this mean Mike actually won?" "Yeah, babe, I think it does." Mike politely invites Zane to family breakfast. Brandon and Jake announce that they want to move back home and presumably buy Andi's mom's house.

Afterwards: Zane and Agent Lady are dating, the brothers still fight over pizza, Noah is doing magic again and literally poofs off frame, and Mike's dad is now acting as the foreman in Handsome Justice. This show was as fun as the first, huzzah.

Tis The Season To Be Merry: I think this is the last new fresh one airing? Now I'm going to have to catch the reruns around Christmastime, I guess. But I got most of the list, so yay there. I've only missed six.

Meet Merry: relationship expert on Instagram, played by Rachael Leigh Cook. A year ago, she met Dale, a guy whose online date bailed on him. He ticks off her list! He proposed! ...Um, not really, that was entirely her imagination but she writes a book about her "relationship" with Dale anyway. Ummmmmmm.... da fuck? Unfortunately, the publisher is totally into the "realism" about this even though her editor knows it's a lie. Ummmmmm.... da fuck? "Your book is gonna be our Eat, Pray, Love" the publisher says, saying that basically everyone loses their jobs if this doesn't sell. AWKWARDNESS ENSUES, not to mention needing legal clearances from Dale. Why the hell has it taken Merry so long to figure out that "I'm a fraud?" Shoulda be evident from the getgo to you? "Do you know what we need?" "Two passports and a boat?" The editor suggests that they go visit her parents in Vermont and figure it out. "Is your brother going to be there?" No, he's in Guatemala. He had a thing for Merry, but it wasn't mutual because she wasn't into his pet python.

Of course, Adam wanders in the door. Of course there's a re-meet cute when Merry is pointed to a guest room (i.e. Adam's bedroom) and she falls asleep on his bed and then Adam strolls out after a shower, TOTALLY BUFF NOW OF COURSE. He's over his reptile phase. I do note that when he says he's going to "take Hank," she asks, "WHAT's Hank?" (the truck).

At the publishing company, the research guy notes that "Dale Westfeldt" is either an old guy or a poodle. HMMMMMMM. They finally think to check Merry for an engagement ring.

"Love is not a problem that you can solve by plugging in the right variables," Adam says, as he calls her out on the imaginary engagement and the "rules" she writes about in her book. The publisher (Sonya) shows up, spots Merry with a dude. "Dale" creeps behind a tree.
THE DALE IS A LIE. Darlene the editor fanwanks the shit out of "What is fiction, really?" "He was a placeholder," Merry claims, like a vision board. UMMMMMMMMM SERIOUSLY PEOPLE? Sonya rightly wants to cancel the book, Merry counters with "let's cancel the book tour," Sonya says "write a new book, yesterday." Sonya is being far nicer than these two deserve.

Meet James, some random local dude. I'm not sure if he's supposed to be fixed up with Darlene or not, but she seems not into it after having tried dating him before. "Just fall in love with him this week and change the name in the book," Darlene suggests to Merry, probably not entirely kidding. However, James's dad definitely seems to have interest in Sonya and used to be a prof at her alma mater. "A fellow tiger!" "Rawr!"

...okay, I've kind of zoned out on watching this one, it involves a Christmas tree auction and the family selling their business to someone else who is NOT their son, Adam's ex calling to get him back to Thailand, Sonya finding romance, etc. What it does not seem to involve is any kind of fake relationship in which Adam pretends to be "Drew," which I was totally expecting from this movie. This movie seems to have mostly forgotten the whole book thing, other than showing Merry pondering writing a new one. Nor is James going to fake being "Drew," because he asks Merry on a date to ask about how to get back Darlene.

Because all of the characters end up eating in the same (lone?) restaurant, Merry squeals to Darlene about what James just said, and Sonya peeks in from her own actual date on all of this. Then it cuts to how the parents sold the business without first asking either kid if they wanted it. Which they already did in Coyote Creek Christmas. But I guess James and Darlene got together...I didn't actually notice. Meanwhile, Merry figures out "how to fix the book" (um, remove the fake boyfriend would be my first and only idea) and she decides she wants to chase down Sonya at the airport to reveal it. COINCIDENTALLY, Adam has presumably also bugged off to the airport without saying goodbye, because he does that?
FYI, apparently you can run into the open gates to tell someone you have a new book in the 2020's. "Imagined romance" is the fix, whatever that means? Not as much of a sell as a real life romance, Sonya notes. But the heart wants what it wants, is more or less Merry's argument.
Then Merry spots Adam, rips him a new one for running off, and yells DON'T GO!!!! to the entire airport. He says he was looking for her, not flying to Thailand or whatever. Airport kiss ensues.
Next year, the book is "No Rules For Love."

Had therapy today, which I had forgotten about after 2 weeks off (and then there will be another 2 weeks off). It was pretty moribund on both our parts since both of us were feeling pretty "meh" and not much drama has gone on for me, so there's that. Talked to Ashley, but she had various things come up so we decided to postpone hanging out until tomorrow. Her dad got offered another karaoke gig in Winters on Tuesdays, so that'd be good. Fingers crossed there.
I did ask who won last night. First prize: stripper Barbie. Second prize: the other homemade one with the wreath. Third prize: fake naked nipple guy. That's about perfectly right, I think.

Other than that, just watching television and working on this giant cross stitch turtle here. I'd say it's about 80% done at this point--I have to do the head and the last flipper and that's about it, the head is about half-ish done but I haven't started the last flipper at all. White House press conferences. I also watched John Wick, Chapter 2. Honestly...not as into it. I guess after John's car is stolen and he whups ass, he has a marker called in to kill a guy's sister, and then there's just a lot of fights and shooting in the dark? I don't know what's going on here or if I should care. Not getting why Scott is so fascinated by this since the mythology thing he's into isn't super going on here most of the time? Not sure why I'm watching this's not like I have to care now?

Mom got a Christmas card from my cousin Tammy (on the estranged dad's side--she still likes us but is smart enough to stay on her parents' side), with NO mention of her husband anywhere on it. I guess they are split up now? Then Mom was all "maybe he died, I should have checked obituaries first" and I was all, oh my god. Her daughter looks like her and her son, alas, is looking like her brother (my jerky cousin) with a stashe. Well, hopefully the kid comes out all right on personality. He was a nice kid, from what I recall--the jerky cousin's kid, on the other hand, I think it's reasonable to have concerns about. Later Mom texted back to say that after 30 years they got divorced and her husband moved to Butte, of all places, and has kind of drifted off from everyone. That's sad.

Oh, and GiantOrg is going to mandate at-home-ness for our clientele for the first week of January, the testing mandate is OF COURSE not being canceled after all (called that, it was stupid to think you could ever stop) and they're mandating boosters (done that). The first week is to make sure everyone gets a negative test, they say, good luck with that.
I have had clientele insist that they want to come pick up their Important Documents in person (which I note takes at least a month to show up). See, this is why I didn't think that was a good idea. I hope this means we're all staying at home the first week and not having to open the office to walk-ins even if it's the beginning of Horrendous Busy Season. I don't particularly want to check my work email on this one to find out while on vacation, though.

Rehearsal tonight: did "Opening Night" again--I still really like that number, it's very cute and well, affectionate-ish what with the arm holding and twirling, sigh. Like I said to my therapist, doing stuff like that does not help :P

Then we did the walker dance in "Along Came Bialy," which is....VERY LOUD. I note that Andi brought earplugs to block out the GIANT RACKET OF THE THUMPING WALKERS (even if you're trying to not be loud about thunking them every single time you walk). I made a crack that the last show (Titanic) had an earthquake and so does this one. There's kicking with walkers, there's pushing on them while doing plie jumps, at least there's no kicking OVER the walkers. There is, however, people falling over like dominoes while pulling checks out of their cleavage (should be interesting for the men there) and they also want us to have the walkers fall on top of us. I think this is a very bad idea and asking for injury, and gonna be a pain to have to get up and pick them up and move them at the end...but I think I'd be overruled on that because "it's funny," so I didn't say anything there. Other than that, the number went well and we were done early. It might be the hardest number in some respects, but at least the walker bit is short, eh?

As for Scott: I told him I watched John Wick: Chapter 2 and had no idea what was going on with it, he was all "I think I liked the first and third one better." Huh. And he hugged me on the way out, though I note it was raining tonight so we didn't exactly hang out there.

I had his gift in the trunk, but he didn't mention anything about gifts. I presumed like 2 years ago he'd want to do gifts on the last night of rehearsal and he didn't mention it, and I decided not to either. If he brings it up, fine, but hey, maybe he doesn't want to do gifts again after how things went this year and maybe that's all for the best, under the circumstances.

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