Chaos Attraction

Comet Has Issues

2003-12-23, 5:40 p.m.

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Interview with Comet.

What are you known for at the North Pole?

You don't want to know. You REALLY don't want to know.

Of course I do. I'm interviewing you.

No, trust me. You don't.

Well, how'd you get the name Comet, then?

No comment!

Are you the fastest reindeer of all?

Well, yes... in a way... Uh, no comment.

Well, you're no fun, are you?

That's what they all say. Assholes.

Okay, fine, Mr. Prickly. (Comet noticeably stiffened at that remark.) Do you like working on Santa's sleigh?

It's all right, I guess. Hey, one night of work a year, fame the rest of the time. Besides, it gives you bragging rights if you travel out of the North Pole region.

You go travelling a lot?

Every chance I can. I like to get away from it all. Lately Blitzen and I have

been checking out California a lot.

You two reindeer must stand out in a crowd.

It's California. People running around in monkey suits and bras blend in in a crowd. Two reindeer ain't nothing. Besides, ever since they changed government in Sacramento, it's whatever you're expecting, expect a surprise.

Can't argue with that. So, what are Santa and Mrs. Claus like?

Oh, they're nice, forgiving, sweet folks. Not inclined to listen to tacky rumors most of the time, which is nice.

Tacky rumors?

You don't want to know.

About Rudolph?

Ohhhh, him. That's what you're getting

at, huh? Oh, phew. Well, we all know what he's really like by now. I have to say that I enjoyed him a lot when he first came on the scene- with that big glowing zit he was the talk of the place, but not in the good way, if you know what I mean. He took the attention away from m- er, others around town. We all made fun of him, I admit it, but it was laughs. Just kidding, you know? And then came the night of the big snowstorm that'll live in infamy, when his giant glowing zit became useful *sigh* To tell you the truth, we were happy at the time when we could still do our jobs, and god knows he's useful one night of the year, but the rest of the time? Ugh. Santa declared him a national hero, and we have NEVER heard the end of it since. Now the main gossip around here is either Rudolph's ego or back to uh- never mind.

What are the elves like?

Immature little weasels! You'd think that as old as they are, they might be able to show some manners, but noooooo. They're always shoving limp carrots in my stall, shooting off poppers whenever I walk into the main hall, and- well, they're just jerks, that's all there is to it!

What are the other reindeer like?

Almost all of them are complete assholes. Well, except Blitzen, he's pretty nice. But man, you know what really sucks? Being stuck next to goddamned CUPID in the lineup every year. And I've got Vixen right behind me too. It's just total irony that I of all people am stuck between them. Makes me sick. I keep asking Donner if I can get a trade, but nooooooo. Jerk.

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