Chaos Attraction

Dasher, the BMOC

2003-12-24, 1:35 p.m.

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Interview with Dasher.

So, what are you known for at the North Pole?

Well, I guess you could say that I'm the BMOC here at the Pole. I'm the first of the reindeer, always have been, I'm a popular guy, and I'm the best at athletics around.

Is that how you got your name?

Yup. I originated the Reindeer Olympics up here, and won in every sport there was to win. Well, we call it the Reindeer Games here, because of copyright issues or something, the Olympics threatened to sue.

Hence the Dasher, though of late that's more referring to my fantastic performance at reindeer football. (Not that game you weird Americans call soccer, incidentally.)

How do reindeer play football? How would you catch the ball?

Well, you know how you humans sometimes play flag football? Well, it's kinda like that, and kinda like regular football, and kind of like Quidditch. Plus we have balls that you catch with your antlers. Male-only game, of course. Anyway, I'm known for my "dashing" there, plus my "dashing" ways with the ladies. Uh, not that I'd cheat on my girlfriend Dancer, mind you...heh heh heh.

So I'm guessing during the rest of the year you're playing sports.

Yup. You should see my trophy rack. I've got three extra stalls in the barn just to hold them all.

Are you the fastest reindeer?

Of course! Why do you think I'm first?

Well, I wondered about Comet...

Oh please! That loser? We don't call him Comet because he's fast at flying...

I see. Do you like working on Santa's sleigh?

Who wouldn't? Everyone's jealous of us, but especially me. It's the primo job here. Anyone up at the top has automatic status points out the roof!

What are Santa and Mrs. Claus really like?

They're my main men! Er, women. He's my buddy.

What are the elves like?

Eh, they like to play around, but they do their jobs, polishing my trophies and such with special polar gel. What more do you need in help?

What are the other reindeer like?

The others? Well, Dancer's my girl, of course, Prancer's well, a freak show, but what do you expect with that name. Vixen and Cupid are, well, Vixen and Cupid, what do you expect there too? Comet's the lamest of the bunch, but he flies fast enough to get the job done. Donner's all right. Blitzen seems to think he's wearing my antlers, if you know what I mean, though.

How about Rudolph?

(Dasher spits on the ground) That little shit! Can't stand the bastard. Spent years around the North Pole, hiding his face in glowing snowbanks, always mewling around, begging for us to let him compete in the games. Naturally, we all told him to shove off and get a nose job, the little puke. And then came That Night. Oh god, That Night. I can't blame Santa for making use of the lameass that night, and it can be useful, but man, after that he just thought he was the toast of the town. Always nosing around at the does' crotches, it makes me sick!

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