October is really long, I gotta break this up:

I was super busy on the first weekend of October--I swear all the festivals were happening that weekend.

Alohafest was on Saturday and was as lovely as ever. I had the world’s most delicious shaved ice once again (I really wish that truck would go anywhere else I go) and some really delicious chiccarrones (spelling?) and lumpia at the Filipino food truck. I mostly hung out at the crafting table and learned how to make a fabric lei where they have you basically ripping out 2/3 of the ribbon and then threading the rest of it and scrunching it down, and one of those spikey hair doodads they wear in performances. I also saw a hula show done to the music of Moana, which was fabulous.

Lambtown (fiber arts fest) was on Sunday and I mostly spent it running around trying to get more roving (raw stuff you make yarn from) that looks like a blue morpho butterfly, and chatting with my favorite vendor.

All weekend long (at night) was the Sacramento Comedy Festival, which is a mix of improv and standup and sketch, bringing out-of-towners as well as locals. I enjoyed all the shows, but I was definitely feeling mopey at the comedy festival. Here’s why:

(a) Meeting someone who had just started taking improv classes and was so! excited! Oh, those days...
(b) Someone mistaking me for one of the performers because the all access pass looks like the performer pass and having to explain that uh, no, I'm not one, sorry.
(c) Similar conversation to the last one, but that guy was trying to be encouraging when I explained why I wasn't.
Or alternately, "why don't you do standup?" Honestly, I'm not sure *why* I am not super into the idea because it would only require me, I can work on it at home alone, etc. I should want to do standup. On the other hand, I don't like writing/rehearsing jokes in that sort of manner and would rather do storytelling (which I suspect isn’t really what they do in the standup classes)--but uh, isn't that similar enough to the same thing....? Also, I'm not always into standup, standup people, standup culture--I like pretty much all the improv folks and some of the standups, but some of the standups are weird people. I’m not saying in a sexual harassy sense--Brian would shut that shit DOWN if it happened--but sometimes you’re just like, tired of the sad losers who complain all the time about not getting laid in every show, especially if there’s lots of that in a show. I want to be all, hey, you CAN talk about something else, I sure do!
(d) Running into class buddies of mine who have made it into shows and just not knowing what to say as to where I've been other than "I'm a loser, baby."
(e) Generally thinking, "Goddammit, those people were in with me in 301 just last year and now THEY'RE IN THE GODDAMNED PREMIERE BIG SHOWS?!?"
(f) Still wishing I'd gone to practices instead of copping a squat at home every Thursday in good weather season, but at the same time feeling like I just don't have the natural talent to do it and while I can work on it, I'll never be as good as those who do have the natural talent, and why don't I just stick to my knitting which I am actually good at and don't need help from others to do anyway?

Honestly, I feel like I"m whining that I never got in with the "cool kids" in high school. Same feeling ;P No wonder I haven't wanted to hang around too much lately.

I don't know if I have just talked myself out of this whole thing or am genuinely facing reality in that I am not good enough and need to move on (at least for now), and/or should just focus on knitting or something else more fitting to my skills.

I guess I just don't feel like I will ever get there. I'm nearly forty years old, for fuck's sake. I can't keep waiting and being slow and taking my time and shit like that and taking 5-10-20 more years to not suck. I wish I'd done this earlier except I got the hell intimidated out of the college drama program and if I couldn't even make it in in high school, maybe that was all for the best...

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