Chaos Attraction

Dancer Does The Elfcracker

2003-12-26, 11:40 a.m.

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(Boy, did I NOT get to a computer on Christmas Day. At all. And apparently others didn't either. Which is why this is really late. Gah. Stay tuned for the horrors of Christmas Eve to come...)

Interview with Dancer.

So, how did you get your name?

Well, I know this sounds stupid coming from someone four-legged and all, but I always wanted to be a ballerina. I actually tried to design a four-footed, no-armed version of ballet for awhile.

How did it go?

I was the laughingstock of the Pole for a month.

Though I did start a dance club here a few years ago, and that's been much more of a hit. Lotsa reindeer woo being pitched in that barn, lemme tell ya.

Do you work at the club when you're not worrying about present delivery?

Mostly, yeah. Sometimes I've done other things. One year I really went nuts and tried to get the female elves into doing The Nutcracker up here.

There are female elves?

Yes, but they normally dress like the boys in order to avoid sexual harassment. Male elves have no shame and there's plenty of perverts. I'm amazed little elves keep being made.

Anyway, they weren't so comfortable with being pointed out as female in public, so I had to let some guys in, and they overran the thing. Plus on the night of the performance, the Nutcracker became the Elfcracker.

Dare I ask?

Let's just say lots of dropped pants, people being chased, and nutcrackers being used for a lot worse purposes than usual. God, how I wish I could block that out of my memory...and everyone else's, for that matter.

I get the feeling that there's a lot of gossip going on around here.

Well, yeah, it's not like we get out all that often.

Do you like working on Santa's sleigh?

It's fun, albeit a big workout. Plus I always get antsy waiting around on roofs. I'm like, go go go! Drop them into the fireplaces and GO already! But no, he's gotta poke around, leave notes, eat of course, etc. I'm amazed we can pick him up some years. Though the less presents we've got in the sled, we've got more Santa to lug, so the weight balance never really changes, I guess.

What are Santa and Mrs. Claus really like?

Well, honestly, I love the man and all, but he's got some MAJOR weight issues, and Mrs. Claus is such an enabler. I don't want him to be a skinny Santa, mind you, because that would be disturbing, but one of these years we're not gonna be able to tug his ass out of the sleigh. And man, when that dude farts and the wind turns, yikes.

Though uh, that said, she does make some lovely dishes. I have to dance a LOT to work some of that off.

What are the elves like?

By now I'd shoot them, except who else is going to work up here?

What are the other reindeer like?

Well, I date Dasher, have for years. I managed to snag him after he'd worked his way through many a doe, so that was a plus. Really, he's about the best catch there is up here, once you figure out which deer play on the home or away team, if you know what I mean. It's funny how many gay reindeer there are, you know? Go figure. Most of the team's pretty friendly or just plain full of themselves, though.

What do you think of Rudolph?

Ohhh, Rudolph... I never thought he was as bad as everyone else did, I have to say. Kinda sweet at the very least, even before that heroic night. And I'll admit it, I went for him afterwards. I gave Dasher the kick and chased after him one night, and it was one uh, fabulous night.

Really?

You'd be surprised what that deer can do with his nose. Mmm-hmmm. Course, he moved on and around the entire place after that, and I took Dasher back. Might as well, eh? He's been so pissy about him ever since, though.


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