Chaos Attraction

The Christmas Bidet

2013-12-26, 9:35 a.m.


Okay, so we spent a looooooot of Christmas watching Hallmark or Hallmark-esque movies. We didn't even leave for dinner until after 7:30 because we were waiting on the back East relatives to finally call, which they did around 6:30. The baby has learned to walk as of Christmas Eve, how cute is that? But until that happened, I had a long time to manufacture some thoughts on these things.

Have you ever noticed that these movies basically all feature black best female friends, people who harp on your lack of relationship status, and horrible bosses? Seriously, NOBODY constantly threatens to fire anyone as much as Hallmark movie bosses do. Even Donald Trump doesn't throw that word around as much on The Apprentice as these movies do. The poor bastards in these movies are being threatened with firing every five minutes! And they even say "fired," which again, nobody does outside of The Apprentice.

Other movies I saw that I caught the names of (other movies I only saw partially or were interrupted by phone or whatever):

"Christmas Mail" is kind of hilarious. Some mysterious girl who roams around a lot and has "a lot" of siblings.... named Kristi North.... goes to work writing letters to Santa at the post office. Someone "higher up" assigned her there, whoever THAT is. The crazy supervisor assigns Matt The Mailman to spy on her, insisting that this girl is trying to screw him over somehow because kids are writing repeat letters to Santa. "When will it end?!?" he howls. Matt is all, "Christmas?" Bwahahahahah.

Anyhoo, one of Kriti's regular letter writers is Matt's niece Emily, whose parents died and now Matt is raising her. She wants to fix him up and Kristi/Santa is all "Why don't you look for family around you, because family comes in all shapes and sizes." (Good response!) So Emily fixes Matt up with the elderly neighbor. Because Matt keeps griping that he's too old to do cartwheels and play with Barbie, you see? Bwahahahahah. Emily then drags Matt to a divorced parents support group--awkward for Matt who's neither a parent nor divorced--and when the lady running it asks him when he last had sex, he runs.

Eventually Kristi and Matt start dating once they get over the Big Misunderstanding #1 that Matt's old bandmate Heather is not his wife, but then the shitty supervisor just flat out has all of Kristi's mail thrown into the dead letter pile and cans her and screams to the skies about how Matt was spying on her--in just the most brutal way possible. Oy vey.

Okay, I do like how this movie makes a point that if Matt and Emily run off with Heather and the rest of the band, that counts as a family. That's rather cute. Anyway, eventually the black best friend/postal worker complains to the higher-ups about Kristi's firing, and the jerk supervisor is replaced with the black best friend (sorry, I have no recollection of anyone's names at the PO other than Matt's), because Matt got offered Postmaster General but decides to go back to rejoining the band he was in before he became a surprise parent. And of course he gets back together with Kristi and she goes on tour with them. It's never QUITE stated flat out that Kristi is some kind of too-big rejected elf/daughter of Santa, but whoever her dad is on the phone, he sure does ho ho ho a lot. Not bad.

"The Christmas Kiss" starts out with a interior designer girl (Wendy, I think her name was) who gets all dressed up with facial glitter(!) and then ends up trapped in a falling elevator with a devastatingly hot dude. They make out and then after they don't die, Wendy freaks out and runs away, leaving no contact information. In this Cinderella's case, Wendy is working for a bitch boss whose absentee boyfriend is finally around for the holidays.... and yup, it's Elevator Dude.

Bitch Boss is insistent on getting engaged for the holidays and admits that she basically stalked the dude into a relationship. Bitch Boss doesn't like anything about Matt other than his looks and money and connections--or at least when she's supposed to decorate his home, she pays no attention to what he is in to in the way that Wendy does. Then she claims Wendy's work as her own anyway. Bitch Boss (Priscilla, I think?) then gets accidentally facially injured due to Wendy somehow, and hauls herself off to a spa to get her face fixed before Matt can see her marred perfection. Leaving the two of them alone together. The inevitable occurs.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Wendy normally wears glasses, and she had on glitter instead of glasses that night, and Matt literally doesn't recognize her for a long ass time (basically the end of the movie). Oh, come on, Hollywood. I wear glasses normally, and guess what? PEOPLE CAN STILL FIGURE OUT IT'S ME WITH THE GLASSES OFF. Oh brother.

Snow Bride is about a tabloid reporter somehow getting herself embedded as the date of one of the brothers in a California family version of the Kennedys. The rumor is that one of the brothers is getting engaged (which she later admits isn't even that good of a story), though where it gets juicy is that the bride previously dated one brother, then got engaged to the other...and yeah, was spotted coming onto their dad at one point. However, after she hangs out with them all for awhile, she decides they are nice people and refuses to do the story after she's outed.... and of course, she's fired. Because everyone in Hallmarkland is fired on Christmas Eve every year.

Anyhoo, it's revealed that the mom in the family investigated her, found out she was a reporter, know, just waited around to find out if Greta was a decent person or not. Since she is, the mom buys the tabloid and presumably Greta gets the dude and a job.

I also caught the beginning of "A Very Merry Mix-Up," which features Alicia Witt meeting her (supposed future brother in law, but guess where that's going) dude at the airport, where he ruins her outfit and her phone with an errant spill, then offers to take her to the mall before taking her where she's going. This turns out to be (gasp!) the same address as where she's going (which works out for her since her phone had the address on it), because he's the bro-in-law she didn't know existed. Likewise he didn't know his brother was engaged, but since they hadn't told anyone yet, that is less of a shocker. Anyhoo, he wants to see the ring while they're driving, the ring is too big, it slips off on the floor of the car, they drive into a tree.... You get where this is going. Around the time we left, the brother was explaining how his ex-fiancée wouldn't even go through rain for him, much less anything else. Ouch!

I have, ah....well, it was repeating in the middle of the night, so I asked Mom to record this one for later. And ah, record one about a pop star and another one about window dressers for later. Ahem. It is really sad that I was up until 2 a.m. watching "Snow Bride" so I could catch the end, lemme tell ya.

Anyway....after eventually getting off the phone, we went out for sushi. This was apparently popular enough to be open on Christmas Eve, but not so popular that you couldn't just drop in late, like we did. I enjoyed the hell out of my aloha and fried California rolls (yup, aloha roll....and California roll). After the meal, I went into the bathroom, where I discovered that they had a toilet bidet in there.

Yup, I bet you were wondering where the Christmas Bidet came into this. No, that wasn't the title of a Hallmark movie....yet, anyway?

I normally would never be this crass over the Internet talking about uh, things I would not normally want to talk about. But....who the hell else where I live has even tried a bidet? I bet you're wondering how the little boogers work, right? Me too. I have heard that supposedly they get you uh, very clean, so I decided to see for myself. Please feel free to stop reading at this point, I'll understand.

Well. It has a button for the rear fountain and the front fountain, along with the blow dryer. The rear fountain....well, I guess I can only assume they calibrated this for a giant male ass or something, because where it was spraying was a LOT higher up than I think it wanted to aim for. I honestly don't know what the heck they thought it was going to do for me spraying uh....basically the top of my butt. The front fountain got um, closer to the mark, I guess, but it still wasn't exactly doing what bidets are advertised to do. And uh.... even with a wash and blow dry, I still needed to ah, clean up in the usual manner. So overall, I was not impressed.

I came back out and told Mom, "You have GOT to go use that bathroom." Of course she was all, "Why?" and I was all, okay, I should probably not leave "You have got to use that bathroom" as a surprise thing," and said it was a bidet and we'd discuss how that went in the car. She went off to test it and I gather was similarly unimpressed, though she did monkey with it enough to discover that it had a "wide" setting. Though I guess that didn't clean as intended either!

The More You Know.....

After that, we drove around looking at lights, and discovered this one awesome house that had some sort of screen setup where you saw a fireplace and if you drove by it at the right angle, you saw Santa walk in, put down presents, walk out....If you waved at him, he'd notice and wave back at you, then put a finger aside of his nose and disappear. THIS IS JUST SO FREAKING COOL. Short of going to Deacon Dave's or the Festival of Lights in Kauai, that is DAMNED COOL.

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