Chaos Attraction

New Year's Resolutions

2005-12-29, 12:09 a.m.

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I have two New Year's Resolutions this year. One is own personal issue, and the other is something that everyone else can share in too.

We'll talk about the latter one first, as that's more cheering.

1. Spend January through October working on a novel, the slow-and-steady turtle route. It's NaNo, but stretched out and allowing you to have a life the rest of the year.

I have managed to enlist the interest of...around ten people so far, I think... in joining in this endeavor. One of them, the lovely Ishaia, was so gung-ho as to set up a website for the whole thing.

Ergo, we now have Novel In Less Than One Year, or NILTOY. The site's still under construction, but I'm posting the link a few days in advance if anyone else is interested in making that their NYR as well.

As for my novel planning so far... it's going iffy, I guess? I've got two main ideas and no actual plot to go with them so far. But... I guess I'll have to figure it out, huh?

Thus commences the fun part of this entry. For the whiny bitch part and my other NYR, continue below. If you're burned out on teh whining, feel free to click your back button at this point, I won't be offended.

2. The other NYR is more of a "until sometime in 2007" resolution, as it's going to have to last me more than a year. Until Dad dies, anyway.

And it's this: Not so much as dabbling in ANY KIND of love-related behavior until then. Not so much as a "fun crush," because I cannot even handle THAT without it rapidly becoming deep and un-fun on my end.

Just be glad I spared y'all the crush talk on the last blighter this year. It just irritates me no end that I picked out a "crush object" to mildly fantasize about and distract me from the usual fresh hell, one that did NOT have any interest in me and thus I wasn't going to have to worry about it blowing up in my face...and it STILL kind of ended up blowing up in my face.

It also irritates me that I can't have a flicker of interest in a fellow without wondering if I'm going to marry the bastard. I don't even WANT to get married, mind you, but if I can't daydream about it having A Future, if I can't even have a "fun crush" or a fuckbuddy with no strings, without craving enough strings to hold a fucking puppet show... well, clearly, I get too attached to the very idea of even HAVING a fellow in my life. And since my life is currently in such a state where I can't afford to take on more trouble...ergo, no more crushes. I can't afford what crushes do to my mental state. Period. Not for another year and change, anyway.

I swear I'd unsex myself if I could.

Though I find it terribly fucking ironic and wrong that my own MOTHER doesn't get that this is a bad idea. She was bugging me about doing a tarot card reading for her yesterday, which I refuse to do- and I said something along the lines of all of my readings come out doom and gloom and hell, and that's why I won't even read hers, and it's pretty obvious that 2006 is going to be even worse than 2005 for me. (I am just holding on till 2008, yo.) And she chirped, "Well, I'm pretty optimistic about 2006!" Sure you are, 'cause you're running around with your psuedo-boyfriend and chirping the L-word into the phone when he calls and when you're with him, you can mostly forget about the other shit we have to deal with. Alas, the "This is a bad idea, Mom, I don't want you to get hurt" conversations haven't made so much as a dent there.

It just flabbergasts me that to her, it's fine and dandy to scope out a new guy at this point in time. Yeah, I know your life sucks and bringing in a new man is the quickest way to a high that doesn't involve certain substances, but I'm the one that's going to be stuck picking up the pieces if/when this thing blows sky high, and this is highly unlikely to end well. I repeat, don't we have enough to worry about without her chasing trouble?

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