Chaos Attraction

Instead Of What I Planned To Do...

2004-12-31, 2:49 p.m.

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Okay. Going to try to not talk about major breakdowns today.

(Other than to say that (a) 2004 can kiss my motherfucking ass goodbye. You had to ruin every good moment this year, even at the end, didn't you? and (b) I second what Jill said about wishing for release for someone in pain and the guilt that causes you. And (c) thanks to everyone who PM'd me going "Um, are you okay?!" this week. I'm trying. And a few petty gripes- (d) Mom has been yelling at me all day that I'm not helping her. Hi, I just read her e-mail for the last six months and deleted all of her "cute forward" crap and printed out the few useful bits. Whatever happened to "you're helping me so much?", and (e) the hospital is CLOSED for CT scanning entirely. Yes, we were lied to and trapped at the house all for NOTHING.)

First, I have to tell you about the ring.

I can't remember if I mentioned it or not here, but I'll recap. I bought a ring while I was still in Jess's place, sometime around September or so, and I made up a spell to repel men and put it on this ring. I happily slapped it on my wedding finger (naturally) and watched as men had no interest in me whatsoever. It was fabulous, and I loved that ring.

I haven't mentioned this here, and I might not go into it too much because it was...weird..., but let's just leave it as, the night my parents came to pick me up, I had a weird psychic moment regarding the whole "you're going to get a boyfriend" thing. Specifically, I got a big, immediate, "Take that ring off NOW NOW NOW" kind of message.
Which I thought was um, kind of strange considering that it wasn't like I was going to meet any men while hanging out with the relatives (*cough*unless I take up adultery and incest!*cough*) any time soon, so what's the rush, but I was all, "Okay, FINE, I will take it off tomorrow. Can't wear the pagan jewelry over to the houses of the Catholics anyway, and it's not like I am really running a risk of meeting men anyway. Besides, I can always put it back on if I want to, right?" I took it off along with the usual pentacle ring I wear and stuck it in a little basket I was putting jewelry temporarily into.
At some point within 24 hours after doing that, Mom came into my room and knocked the basket over, and I couldn't find the spelled ring or my favorite shiny disco ring (on the right in the pic) for a few days. I wondered if both had managed to fall into my backpack, which was sitting around open underneath the dresser where the basket had knocked over, but I didn't find any rings there.
I found my disco ring yesterday morning. It had somehow managed to fling itself with great abandon into the corner of my bookcase and books piled there.
And yet, the spelled ring is nowhere to be found.
I can't help but suspect somehow that the Universe/PTB/spirit guides/evil fairies somehow knew that I intended to put that ring back on after I was done dealing with the relatives, and wanted to make real damn sure that I would never be able to wear it and fend off men again. And that I'll never see it again, unless it's years from now and I'm happily married or something.

I haven't done that great on the meditation thing of late. For one thing, finding time to do it uninterrupted (i.e. before anyone wakes up and needs me) has been really dicey. For another thing, the one day I got things going, it didn't work too well. I think the Universe was having a day of pure static, because I was there, and it wasn't doing well. And for a third thing, I've been feeling like a little nasty bitch the last few days and the last thing I want to do is to get into meditation and get spiritual confirmation on that. (I feel like I'll be getting spanked by a preacher or something, but not in the sex-naughty way. Yeah, I know that's on crack.)

But the one day I had it go really well was the night the parents picked me up. It went...astoundingly well. There was that ring thing I mentioned, and there was a bit of "stay calm and inner peace" about dealing with the PITAS, and.... there was stuff about, well, getting a boyfriend. I got a few bits of information that I am starting to wonder about. A detail or two that was kind of odd, and a mental picture that I'm still baffled on. I asked when this fateful meeting was going to occur, but I think the answer to that is "We have no freaking idea. Not a clue." Course, I had to ask why the hell NOW seems to be a good time in the Universe's opinion to give me someone else to juggle, and got "Because he needs you." Yeah, that was about the worst answer possible to give me to that question right now to entice me into getting a man. I'm needed too much already.

But between that, and a tarot reading I did where I designed my own spread (thanks to Kim for the book she got me on that! Yes, I'm using it.) to ask about this, and the Miller book, and paying up for a year's worth of progressions and transits and predictions for my 27th year (I finished skimming through them in my Palm yesterday. There is a LOT of relationship crap in there. A LOT.), and my damn ring completely disappearing on me in a suspicious manner...

Fine. I give up. Universe, you are clearly, desperately wanting me to get a boyfriend this year. FINE. I WILL GET ONE. Are you happy now?! I won't resolve not to date anyone! I won't have any friends around, but I will get a damn boyfriend!!!! Then you can watch my fry my brains some more trying to juggle three people all desperately wanting my attention, while one of them slowly dies!! Won't that be grrrrrrreat?!?!

So. Shooting my one NYR that I really wanted to do out the window like one of Rosie's Koosh slingers, what else is there to resolve this year? Or knowing me, resolve for the month of January?

1. Clean up my apartment is kind of a given. After reading through the books I gave Mom for Christmas for her (god, I was trying to get her to read them last night, but all she wants to do is watch Oprah. ARGH.), I at least have some idea as to how to do it (thank you, Lisa). I just don't know how to solve the "where do I put this stuff while I organize it" problem. Or the "fuck, what happened to my shelves?" problem.

I have, however (thanks to MATH+1), found something that could be useful for organizing ONE thing in my life: my piles of jewelry. I could just hang something up or plug it into a slot immediately instead of dumping it onto my nightstand in a pile. I could open it up and see everything, rather than rooting through drawers. Plus it comes with a mirror for my room, and god knows I need one. Of course, the thing is on waitlist and could take up to 45 days to get a new one, should they ever get ahold of more of them, but if I can ever get it, it'd be bloody useful.

I was going through the Morgenstern book last night and thinking of how I'd group my rooms into "activity areas." Which is a little tricky considering that I'd like to have a "computer area", and it has to be in the living room due to the connections, and if I end up getting a printer I don't want to have to disconnect from the internet and go move to the bedroom to go print somewhere else. And I'd like to have a "craft area", which should probably be stashed in my room for safekeeping, but it's too damn cold to do crafts in my own room anyway. Plus have a TV area with furniture for people to sit down in to boot- between Mom's furniture spree-ing and my cousin Tammy wanting to get rid of her rocker, suddenly I shall be flush with seating.

Then Lisa suggested getting carts for the kitchen (which has no table space at all) and having a craft cart, and suddenly I'm all inspired and surfing around for ones I like. I like this sewing and craft cart even if it doesn't hold a whole lot, and this one, while the priciest of the lot (I'm looking for cheap given how much I'll have to buy), I really love the pullout table of. Meanwhile, something like this could be good for the kitchen. And this laptop cart temps me mightily, but it doesn't have anywhere to stick a printer. I guess I'd need something like this. But that's not perfect either.

Decisions, decisions... well, it's all stuff to think about.

2. I suppose I can still do the meditation
thing. Try to do that on a more regular basis. At the very least, I'm completely fucking fried these days and nothing's going to get even a tiny bit easier, and I refuse to pop any more pills than I absolutely have to, and I can't get regular therapy, and I thought about taking up kick-boxing (which I thought about taking up years ago, the last time I was really pissed off. That time it was at a guy, though.), but the boxing part would kind of bugger up my hands for other things, so... well, there you go. Meditation.

I know better than to claim that I'll do it "every single day", because I just cannot do a daily routine every day at the same time, and if life interferes I know it'll get thrown out the window, and lord knows whenever I have a boyfriend at least half of the things I want to do get pitched out the window because now I have to spend time with the boyfriend, but... I can give it more of a shot than I have in the past, for awhile, anyway.

3. The other one that I can think of, off the top of my head, is to try going to the gym. In general I think I am going to try to step up some kind of exercise program (while I still can, before some damn boy gets in the way and the only exercise I get is.... well, you know), and go back to taking my dance class again at least one day a week, if not two. But I really liked going to the gym with Mom the other day, and I would have written more about it had not everything else gone to hell that day. And I've been wanting to check the local one out anyway, but certainly haven't had the time this last quarter.
I will probably have some more free weekday time this year. (At least, until I get a boyfriend. Ahem. And since my friend is moving, won't be over at her house any more either.) Looking at my schedule for the quarter, I'll always be busy Wednesday nights, but I'll have nothing going on Mondays whatsoever, Tuesdays I'll have glass fusing going on for four nights and the occasional beading class, but otherwise free; Thursdays will be booked for four weeks and that's it; and the weekends is where it'll be busy. Dance class is on Fridays/Saturdays (but again, optional), and there's a intro to glass fusing class one weekend, a couple of jewelry classes two Sunday in a row, a henna body art class on another weekend, and four Saturdays of wire jewelry.
So basically, I'll have Mondays and frequently, Tuesdays and Thursdays to go drag my ass to the gym. (Possibly weekends, but let's see how fried I am from dance class then.) Maybe I'll just pack sweats and sneakers in my backpack, bring them to school and then go walk over to the gym after I get off work and go change in the locker room. That'll thwart my whole "I don't want to get up and hike for a half hour to the gym from my house" thing that always gets me about going to that particular gym. From my work it's only 15 minutes. (Can't do anything about walking home for the half hour after being tired from working out, but I'll have to suck it up, or just use one of the lounges for awhile. Hell, they're usually open till 1 a.m.)
But anyway, I think it would behoove me to say, purchase a one-month gym membership to see how I like it and how often I'd use it.

4. If I get up the nerve...go see the local psychic. The idea of calling up for an appointment gives me the wiggins, and I doubt I'd actually do it (yeah, me use a phone when I absolutely don't have to? Hah.) but dammit, I'm curious to see what someone else might get compared to my own investigations. Plus, hey, I could add to the local wiki on it...

So, anyway, there's four. Let's see how it goes and how long it all lasts.

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