Chaos Attraction

Late Resolution Making

2007-12-31, 9:47 a.m.

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When I was making up that Best of Holidailies entry, this paragraph from here stuck in my brain:

"Me, I'm still here. Same apartment, same job, same unfulfilled dreams, same tragic flaws, same quirks, same strengths, same old, same old, same old. I feel unchanged, even though I know that shouldn't be, that physics don't really allow it. That's my silence; what is there to say that hasn't been said when you are the only thing that isn't moving?
Maybe, just maybe, this is the calm before my storm. I don't know what to expect in 2008. A lot of surprise I hope. A year from now, I am hoping to be looking back at a very different kind of year. Looking from a different place at a different job, different dreams, different mistakes, different successes. I don't expect a happily ever after, but I am desperately curious to find out what comes after this.I am bored with before. I want to be changed forever, for the better.

I feel the same way. (Enough to pull it from BoH and make it a separate entry, apparently.)

Okay, I had ONE BIG THING that happened this year. The anvil dropped. I had said to myself for a decade that I would worry about Certain Things AFTER The Big Death occurred. Once it happened, I have pretty much been stuck in "Now what?" Like I'd say to myself, "Okay, after Dad dies, I figure out whether or not I want to, or to another town entirely. After Dad dies, I figure out the whole career thing."

Haven't really done that. Nothing on that front has changed or looks like it will change any time soon. I've been going to my shrink and reading books and taking classes through work on decision making and career whatnots, but haven't really ever figured out some kind of concrete plan as to How To Get What I Want or anything like that.

I'd like to do that in 2008, uh, if I find the time (har). But first I have to figure out why the hell I am so blocked on this issue. The future to me is a big ol' door with some sort of black hole on the other side of it, and I'm afraid to take a jump into nothing. I don't know how to make life plans, since I gave up on doing that stuff years ago, and I don't really know what I want exactly any more. Can't really remember what I wanted before Dad got sick, come to think of it.

Well, I did do some thing different. I have pretty much made 2007 The Year Of Travel, which was my goal and worked out very nicely. I wanted to go to Disneyland this year- did it! I wanted to go visit Jess in SoCal again- did it! I wanted to return to Hawaii- did it! Didn't make it back East the way I wanted to, but Hawaii's a pretty big trip there in itself :) And I did the mini-trips in December. So, travelicious!

But after that...I don't know yet.

I'd like 2008 to be drastically different somehow, for the better. I just don't know how to do it yet. Apparently someone else about to turn 30 asked the same question on Metafilter. And I gather there's also Big Fun Scary Year as well over at NaNo. And I also just found out about Groundhog Day Resolutions, which makes a whole lot of sense. (And that's why I'm not going to make any of my own for another month.)

I'll have to think on this one. Make that the January project.

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