Chaos Attraction

I Have Some Different Answers This Year

2019-12-31, 10:20 a.m.

Note: I’m heading farther south today, so here’s the events of 12/30/19, and then the same old year end meme. I am being a Good Girl and not briefly heading home in hopes of seeing a certain someone, sigh. Anything not to scare him off, y’know? No pressure...or pressuring by my being there. Also, who the hell knows if he’d do anything, I bet he just stays in and watches movies or something. Which in all honesty is what I end up doing most years myself.

Today was another day of not doing a whole lot. I wrote book and TV reviews and finished all the Baby Yodas. I followed Mom along while she shopped and while she was taking something back, hit Barnes and Noble and Joann’s to STILL go buy gifts for people. I have another crazy idea for something to make Scott, which might be dubious as fuck to make anything for a dude, but I figure at least he’ll be amused by it. And then I got him a DVD of something I hope he hasn’t seen, so we’ll see there and at least he gets one reasonable thing. I got another (half off, autographed) copy of Toil and Trouble to lend/gift to Meg since I lent Hannah my copy and don’t have it back yet, even though Meg doesn’t do gift exchanging. I figure I pass it to her to read and maybe it ends up being a loaner copy for others.

As for Robert, I got him a book of math puzzles. I have had various ideas for him on puzzle things, but I actually mentioned one a while back and he said he’d tried that and wasn’t into it, so that was kind of a giant “dammit” for me on ideas for a while, and another reason (besides my “oh fuck, I don’t want to be Too Much or a weird stalker or something if I give Scott something, or like anything” angst...let’s not get into the time I wanted to give something to a guy I was off and on dating but not official with and how that did not go well) to be all “oh, this group doesn’t give gifts? alrighty then!” and not think about that shit too hard. I am by no means smart enough to be able to figure out if those are good math puzzles, so this is kind of a dicey gift, but it was the best thing I liked of the ideas I had that were either so-so or not working out too great. Sigh.

This kind of thing is why I have such agita over gift giving. It’s not that I don’t know what kinds of things people are into, I just don’t manage to get them right and get what the person would actually be into in that hobby category, or clothes/jewelry, or what they collect, or whatever. How can I have gone shopping with my mom virtually every time I see her my entire life and still can’t pick out what she would pick out for herself? Ditto Jackie? (Okay, so Jackie is pickier than the average bear there.) I read this blog about how to give experiences instead of actual stuff, but then I am all, who knows if the person is actually into the experience and will use it (this stuff has been known to go to waste in my gene pool at times)? If they can make it on that date? Or whatever? Argh....This is not quite the same sort of potluck agita I usually have because I don’t fuck up gifts with every single person, just half of ‘em on average, but those agitas are at least cousins to each other. Oh well....I think at this point I’m done with gifts...until birthdays in January, anyway.

While in Joann’s, we had a random conversation with a local lady that knew some of the same folks as Mom, and Mom once again briefly got the bright idea that she wants to learn to knit. This time she saw loop yarn and wanted to spend $20 on enough yarn to make a blanket. I knew better and talked her down to getting one skein of yarn and then she got 2 skeins, one in rainbow. Then I was all, hey, why don’t we bring the yarn into the restaurant we’re going into and I teach you how to do this while we wait for food? and she’d already lost interest in this. WTF. I do not comprehend how she immediately loses interest the second she buys a craft item. Oh well, I declared that I was keeping the rainbow ball and made myself a cowl to prove that making something out of this is doable. I was going to make a bag and then she was all, "but what if I want a scarf?" and I wanted to say that there is no way she is actually going to make this so why bother.

Also, after she offered me a bite of her grilled cheese sandwich and then remembered that I don’t like grilled cheese, I was all, “how the hell did you remember a dairy allergy of someone you don’t know yesterday when you literally can’t remember what stuff I don’t like?” After she said ‘but you told me about it,” and I said “yeah, but you never remember anything about food preferences,” she just kinda shrugged and was all “brain fart?”

I just finished reading Twenty-One Truths About Love and now I want to make a list a la that book, and title it something like, “Things My Mom Just Refuses To Remember About Me After Decades of My Existence,” and it will have stuff like, “Never ever ever ever listens to me when I say I am not hungry in the morning, don’t want breakfast, feel sick and don’t want to eat, and won’t stop bugging me until I eat a damn breakfast” and “poured gravy all over my dinner the other day when I don’t like gravy” and “continues to attack my hair with hair implements that my hair always tangles in, making me scream in pain, and refuses to stop using said hair implements because she is convinced that they work.” She’s not malicious (I swear), just...doesn’t acknowledge what she doesn’t want to. She also said that she bought a journal to figure out her cleaning issues and I said she should write down what her issues with this are and she said she had one issue and it was “I don’t know where to start.” I personally think it’s “I refuse to get rid of ANYTHING,” myself, but what is the point of talking this out.

In other news, I read a post by Wil Wheaton saying that people didn’t recognize him when he had on a different mustache and now I am all, how the heck do I get unrecognizable like that? So far wigs and beards ain’t doing it here :p There’s also a photo of my new hair, should you be curious as to what the hell shade(s) it actually IS.

Here is the same old meme I do every year. Except this year, by god, some of the same answers are actually going to be different.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?

I auditioned for ten shows (I think, at least, that I remember)
I actually got into three! I was in three plays!
I went to a storytelling conference.
I got pink hair.
I bought a new car.
I went to Legoland, finally.
I started singing in public in shows and doing karaoke.
I have had an insane amount of synchronicities going on in my life that I never thought would happen and are quite shocking.
I actually used subtle flirting techniques and they worked....*boggle*

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

From last year:
“I probably need to job hunt more. And actually apply for something because I couldn’t stand any of the jobs I looked at this year and didn’t even actually go through with applying for any.

I applied for one job this year, which I guess is a slight improvement from last year. I did not even make it to the interview stage on that one. Overall I think I am totally given up on job hunting. I am just not what anyone wants, there’s no regular job I give any kind of shit about having any more, my current job is not as bad as it used to be, and I don’t have the energy to try to leave. I am feeling like if there’s energy directing towards things changing (for example: meeting someone, getting into shows), then it changes, and if nothing is working,'s not working.

This year: get on stage as much as I can, hopefully getting others to let me on there. I’d like to do at least the dinner theater, Shakespeare, and Christmas shows again since I think those have enough large casts that I can get into those and those directors like me.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I don’t think so? I’m trying to recall. I knew one baby, the one in the play, that’s about it that I can think of?

4. Did anyone close to you die?
That I was personally close to, no, but I did go to a few funerals for my friends’s loved ones. And everyone in town was bothered by the shooting we had at the start of the year.

5. What countries did you visit? None, as usual.

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?

Last year I said, “More money and a less stressful job where I don't serve the public. Also, a goal and a plan.” The same applies again because nothing changes. Well, I don’t full time serve the public any more, but it’s still somewhat happening. Copy and paste for this year, except I am going back to full time serving the public. Shoot me now. I will never, ever in a billion years get those things."

Well, I didn’t get more money, but they’re not going to make me serve the public any more, THANK GAWD. I have given up on goals and plans there.

What I would like this year? A boyfriend. Yeah, just gonna fucking say it. And to get into shows. I’d say to get Trump impeached/out of office, but ain’t nobody expecting that one will happen.

7. What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

When I did not get into the Gumbo show.
When I got a callback for Tony n’ Tina’s Wedding.
July 30, god help me. That date is very literally burned into my brain, like “scarred for life” level of it.
This day too for sheer embarrassment factor.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I got into three shows!
I haven’t turned totally asexual like I’ve been suspecting for years! I am still capable of interest in someone, albeit that hasn’t gone as well as one would hope and that isn’t exactly an “achievement” per se. But shocking, nevertheless.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I’m kinda disappointed I didn’t get into other shows, but that’s not exactly a shocker.

I am disappointed that a friendship did not launch with that professor, but again, not exactly a shocker since our lives don’t overlap and she has plenty of her own shit to deal with without trying to fit me in. Maybe next life (har).

I am very embarrassed with regards to (a) being figured out about my crush, (b) the accidental kiss, and (c) no gifting. Yeah, those three are what kill me this year with my dumbassery.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nah, I’m cool.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Easy this year: a car.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My coworkers and friends were great this year. My various bosses were great. It was nice to finally really meet Evan and hang out a few times. Roger continues to be a sweetie. My directors, for letting me be in shows!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Same general answer of “people at work, half the country” again. I was pretty disappointed in the theater companies I auditioned for that weren’t in Winters.

14. Where dd most of your money go?

New car expenses.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Shows and new friends and karaoke and well, a guy.

16. What song will always remind you of 2019?

I have a lot of these: “There’s No Way,” “When You Say Nothing At All,” “Somebody to Love” (god help me on that one) and a lot of the stuff done at karaoke, various songs I discovered (see #26 below).

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?

(a) Happier, go figure!
(b) Actually, I got thinner. Go figure on this one too.
(c) poorer, because car payments.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Cleaning out junk around the house, I guess.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Wanking on about drama to certain folks. Like, did I need to say that stuff to some coworkers? Is that appropriate? It’s not.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Spent the eve with Roger and Evan getting Chinese food and watching Elf, watching more Hallmark and going to the movies with Mom on Christmas Day.

21. Did you fall in love in 2019?

My answer to this for as long as I’ve been doing this meme has always been, ”Nope, and I never will again.”


I’m not gonna quite answer the “fall in love” question exactly, given the current ambiguity of the situation. I do think he loves me in general and the same goes for me as well, which makes this answer confusing. I don’t think he’s “in love” with me as yet and as long as everything is officially platonic indefinitely, I don’t want to go there myself. I ain’t going whole hog on this as long as things currently stand as they are because what would be the point?

22. How many one-night stands? Yeah, RIGHT. Also, who actually answers this question?

23: What was your favorite TV program? I’ll say the same shows : Good Place and Legends of Tomorrow. I don’t think I even took up any new ones this season, though I look forward to “Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist” this winter.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hm, no. Still hate the same old jerks, not really hating any new jerks. Well, I’ve kind of mellowed on my former bully, who has been fine this year, so yay there. High Horse still high horses.

25. What was the best book you read?

5 star reviews: none, because there were no new Illuminae-ish epic books out this year and I am sparing on what gets ranked as “epic.” Ah well.

4.5 star reviews: Lust and Wonder, Toil and Trouble, If I’m Being Honest, The Case For Falling In Love, The Goblin Emperor, A Long Way Down, Mrs. Martin’s Incomparable Adventure, Friendships Don’t Just Happen, That Ain’t Witchcraft, My Girls: A Lifetime with Carrie and Debbie.

New authors discovered this year that stood out: Augusten Burroughs, Rob Sheffield.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

A lot of songs I went hunting for on YouTube:
* “Something About You” by Lucius
* “Indestructible” and “Money, Fame and Fortune” by Goo Goo Dolls
* “What If” by Colbie Caillat
* {If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To” by Weezer
* “Ghost” by Ella Henderson
* Sophie Ellis-Bextor, in general
* “Wish I Knew You When I Was Young” by The Revivalists
* Panic! At the Disco’s “High Hopes” and “Hey Look Ma, I Made It”
* Selena Gomez, for “Round and Round” but also kind of in general (“Bad Liar”)
* Lianne La Havas, “What You Don’t Do”
* Dua Lipa I discovered last year or so, and still love “Don’t Start Now.”
I have also been introduced to various songs others (*cough*) do at karaoke, mostly notable for Styx and Chris Cornell.

27. What did you want and get?

For Christmas: Hallmark merchandise, a fabric shaver, a new car, a certain book, a Baby Yoda (made that myself). In life: a car, a new toilet, and got into shows.

28. What did you want and not get?

A boyfriend. There’s a few other things I could add like the new Carrie Fisher biography and the Good Omens DVD (asked for those for Christmas and did not get but just bought for myself), but that’s really the only one I super care about and am sad never went all the way there this year. I honestly thought that by the end of this year because this has felt like My Year like no other year ever has (3 shows, new car, office, work going well, so why not that too?)...but no. But that’s life, you can’t hurry love, it may never happen so shut your cakehole, blah blah blah.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

I liked Captain Marvel enough to do a Halloween costume. I appreciated the work of "Infinity War." I liked "The Rise of Skywalker" better than I thought, at least. Knives Out is quality stuff.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 41 and went to a show rehearsal! And karaoke the night before!

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

My answer has always been ”A more peaceful and lucrative job. This answer never changes.” This year it changes to “A boyfriend.”

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019?”

Well, I can go back to weird hair with the new supervisor, so yay! I think everyone thinks of me as “rainbow” since I now wear rainbow to karaoke at least weekly, dressed up as Rainbow Hippie Santa, etc. That’s not really different from anything, but it’s what people notice.

33. What kept you sane?

Alcohol and distraction. Same answer as ever.

Added answer this year: I want to give Meg and (former coworker) Luis and my therapist special props for their advice this year regarding waiting around on someone.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Eh....nobody really comes to mind.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

All of them.

36. Who did you miss?

Same people as usual, plus in all honesty missing Scott when he’s not around (sigh).

37. Who was the best new person you met?

My new theater friends are all in this category. Scott, Redhead Sarah and Robert stand out the most here (also, coincidentally the ones I end up spending the most time with).

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019:

I can get into theater shows if the theater/director isn’t picky, and if there’s a show with a large enough cast that is willing to let me be in it.

Making a lot of eye contact with a dude actually does make him fall for you on some level, subtle flirting actually fucking works.

It is possible for someone who didn’t give me the psychic ping of interest upon meeting him to get interested later... but he still doesn’t want to go out, so I guess the lack of ping is still correct there.

For the love of god, don’t say anything to a dude about your feelings. Not that I did, not that I am going to, but the amount of times I’ve been yelled at about that one this year....

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I have a few:

”Old Mr. Webster could never define / What's being said between your heart and mine.”

” But there’s no way that it’s not going there / With the way that we’re looking at each other”

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