Chaos Attraction

Sulking

2008-03-13, 3:52 p.m.

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So apparently the notifylist stopped working and nobody said anything about it to me and I can't find anything about it. Grrr. Have now replaced with TinyLetter.

Am still editing. Did a ton of editing this weekend. Am up to 26.5 hours now, so over halfway done by the halfway mark. Go me.

I found out that the last week of the month, I will have NOTHING WHATSOEVER going on- no meetings, gym will be closed by 6 p.m. so I can't work out much at all, NOTHING- which rather freaks me out. And one of those days is off from work, to boot.

Now, part of why I was doing NaNoEdMo was because I knew I'd have more free time than usual, and given that my next two weekends are pretty shot for doing anything, that's a good thing. But it still weirds me out. I think this is the first "spring break" (not that I get such, really) that I've spent in town in awhile. Now I'm kinda like, "What was I thinking?" Oh, yeah, that I Should Be Editing.

In other news, I found out that before it even really begins, I have had to drop out of my novelists writer group (an offshoot of my regular writer's group). Why? Because they insisted on scheduling meetings on Thursdays, mandatory, once a month. Which is my CC shift night. I wasn't happy, and couldn't switch shifts until April, but said okay, I'll switch to Monday nights (my one free night of the week, usually.) EXCEPT they wouldn't let me move to Monday night. Because apparently everyone wants Monday night, and those who have done it before got first priority. And there are volunteers who have been here longer than me who have been on that shift as a team forever, so...I'm fucked.

I debated whether or not to cut three shifts to go to meetings, but cutting more than 2 is kind of a problem for the CC, AND I'd have to make the time up on weekends (and I don't exactly have a lot of spare weekends in April and May to do that on, in between Picnic Day, Whole Earth, post-birthday, whatever weekend they're officially closed on, etc.) to cram in 3 shifts worth. And realistically, it's not fair of me to have to bail out on a shift all the damn time for the forseeable future. I've been at the CC for three years, this group has barely started and I have yet to attend a meeting, so...um, yeah.

So, I dropped.

I am very sad and frustrated, but can't figure out a way to fix this any better. Dammit, I really wanted to get feedback once draft 3 is written, too, not to mention read other people's.

I am sulking. I have had a week where I am doing a lot of that. Can't exactly say that I'm looking forward to much of the upcoming weekend (mama drama, dental fillings for St. Patrick's Day) either. I am being quite productive on the editing front, but otherwise I kind of feel like this person. I don't WANT anything, I can't think of any other goals to shoot for, I don't want the concrete, practical goals that I can think of, I can't think of something to do to change my life that I actually have any interest/energy in trying...I just suck.

"Is my current routine all I truly want or am capable of? Why am I unwilling to accept risk? Why won't I challenge myself? Why am I unwilling to do the work it takes to make my life better? Am I one of life's cowards? If so, can I learn to make peace with this? I feel frozen, and the answers haven't been forthcoming."

Um, yeah.


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