Chaos Attraction

Hell Weekend

2008-06-15, 11:18 a.m.

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So apparently the notifylist stopped working and nobody said anything about it to me and I can't find anything about it. Grrr. Have now replaced with TinyLetter.

Vacation ending is hell. But this time, it was a lot more literal than intended.
I fucked up big this weekend. Like, I permanently shot myself in the foot on this.

I flew in on Saturday, after notifying my mother an hour and a half or so in advance of my arrival that I was arriving. I call her from the airport when I'm off the plane, only to find out that she not only isn't there, not only won't be picking me up any time soon, but she's still waiting around for her psuedo-boyfriend (even later than she is) to show up. Tee-hee-hee! Yes, she was giggling. The woman throws shit fits if I don't call her, she has to be the number one thing in my life or else disaster will occur, but she'll throw me over in a hot second to wait on his late ass? She couldn't oh, come get him on the way back from picking me up if he couldn't get his shit together?

I was not happy about this, and promptly called Jess to vent.

Jess has been convinced from the getgo that Mom's psuedo-relationship is cheating. She already didn't approve of that, but thought it was incredibly beyond asshole to not bother to get me in favor of boy-chasing. Mike was also quite disgusted at Mom's "putting pussy ahead of family." Jess actually wanted to call my mom and yell at her about this.

Here's the stupid thing: I LET HER. I gave her mom's number. I knew better and I did it anyway because I'm tired of having it out with Mom about her behavior and then she doesn't listen to me, and I wondered if having someone else say something would make any kind of dent. Jess called and asked politely if Mom had had some kind of car trouble, and when Mom gigglingly explained why she hadn't bothered to put herself out too hard to pick me up, was totally disgusted and started venting about how Mom is a cheater and her psuedo-boyfriend is sleazy and it's crappy to give him priority over me.

It did NOT make a difference. I got to hear various lectures for the rest of the weekend about how their friendship is so platonic and innocent and pure and can't married people have friends any more? (Yes, but do they hold hands and cuddle with them? Um, no, they do not.) Oh, and now Mom and Jess have sworn blood feuds against each other. Mom does not forgive or forget anything like this, so I will be hearing nasty shit about this for the rest of my life.

It's all my fault, I KNOW I should have just shoved it down and smiled and dealt with it as usual rather than acting all passive-aggressive and snotty and having someone else do the yelling for me. I knew it very well at the time, in the moment, but for once I just wanted to enjoy someone else giving her crap in a way she couldn't ignore (except guess what, she's still ignoring it). Now I'll be hearing about this when I'm 90 years old.

Stupid me. Stupid, STUPID me.

The next day into the war (i.e. Sunday), she wanted to know "honestly" what was bugging me, and started crying that I don't want her in my life any more. By this point in time I had been thinking all weekend, "Good god, the woman only has loyalty towards me if there's nobody else around for her, like a man," and "fuckin' A, I will have to abandon her at some point, won't I? And then I will have nobody." And part of me just wanted to take her up on it. Then the other half was too damn needy and clingy to go it alone.

Unfortunately with me, if you PUSH AND PUSH AND PUSH AND PUSH and never relent on me long enough, I will eventually cave in and tell you what's wrong. Very meanly. So I started yelling that I really hate having to call her every few days or she calls the cops thinking I'm dead, all the phone messages, the constant phone stalking. I do not ever MISS her or want to talk to her because she is always calling and I just want the calling to STOP. In short, she made me hurt her feelings big time.

Not that it matters, apparently, because she will forget the conversation in a few days. She seemed to think that everything was resolved now because it got out in the open, but I know better than to believe that.

I so can't wait for the next shrink appointment.

She goes on vacation this week. Thank GAWD. I hope she's too distracted to want to call. I do wonder what the heck she'll do though: she's going away with her friend Pat, who (a) highly disapproves of the M situation, and (b) does NOT know that they are back together. And they call each other like 6 times a day starting from 6:30 a.m. on. Will she *gasp!* go without phone calls? Try to disguise it? Sneak into the bathroom with the phone for long periods of time like she's 14? Pat ain't no fool and is a Scorpio to boot, so I bet she figures it out unless Mom goes cold turkey for a week. If/when she finds out, I kinda wish I could be a fly on the wall for it.


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