I dreamed this morning that Scott's family was putting on some big Christmas event and my mom and I went to it. Of course he was busy/at a distance during the whole thing, and I kept thinking how cute the decorations were and how I wanted to be close to him....and of course that doesn't work because he doesn't want to be. So I feel all whiny and depressed and wanting to reach out, but it won't do any good, again. Knocking at the closed door.

Today I had another playwriting festival workshop, You Can Solo: Crafting Your Own Solo Work! by Dana Aber "Having been in the room where it happens so many times...." there's no one way to build a show. "Baggage at the Door" is her solo musical. Took 4 shows to really gel. Upcoming play is Final Blow. There's no right way to do a solo work. "Mine just happened to be a musical with a through line. Can tell yours, someone else's that you know, or a fictional someone. Get permission from live person. Animal emotion comes from impulse. When she becomes emotionally agitated, she writes a play. Don't use it as a version of therapy. "Baggage at the Door" is about her PTSD/survival. She just calls her "the girl," not Dana. Consent-driven truth telling. Ideas: Petticoat Affair, my own life. I hope to create X in hopes of Y. This is your big picture statement. Your intended affect for the audience. This is a touchstone/lifeline for you. Comparison is the devil's plaything. It is just a tool of manipulation to cause sadness. Maybe you just want to share with the world. Telling is not going to give you closure or give you the recognition that you want. "I just need to be heard" is a little different than "I need people to see me." Not enough of a big picture statement. Should probably just get therapy. "teasing beauty out of trauma." do the therapy work and then create art. It should be entertaining.

What: Cliff Notes version, elevator pitch.

(a) I want to tell the story of The Petticoat Affair, which is my favorite political scandal for how ridiculous it all is. It is about how Andrew Jackson had two friends who got married four months after the lady's husband had died, and then Jackson appointed her new husband as the Secretary of War. This kicked off all kinds of social scandal for two years, including rumors of cheating and miscarriage, which were being made up by ministers. The Cabinet was divided, Jackson's own relatives were divided, it was a crazy mess and all about slut shaming.

(b) I want to tell the story of how I got into acting, theming it by what plays I've been in. I grew up thinking I couldn't act or sing because I could never get into plays when I auditioned, and I couldn't hit high notes so I thought I couldn't sing. I only started getting into acting around the time I turned 40 and finally started to get into shows, and even have been acknowledged now as being able to sing. I want to talk about my development during that time, experiences, friendships and how my life has improved acting-wise since I can finally do what I always wanted to do.

Tools within: Courage, your unique POV, you yourself in this exact moment. External tools: your comrades/commiserates--who resonates with your story? from church/temple, the gym, knitting circle. People at events you regularly go to. "If you talk about it, it will come." She blabs when she can't figure out a plot point. Get used to talking about your work. Your collaborators, who you compensate properly. Someone to help you craft it, run it, keep you steady. Know how to hire a stage manager, get an event planner. They need to vibe with your big picture statement. Have a professional, sensible chat. "You want their eyes to go, cool." Must pay them.

Opening night: remember your big picture statement: this is your goal, the rest you can't control. Invite everyone. "You want a happy house to be receiving you." Remember to enjoy yourself. The fallout: rest up afterwards, alone time, note what worked and what to do differently. Put water onstage somewhere. Eat before you go.

Work: * continued to be a whole bunch of "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER THIS SHIT." Over and over and over. 60+ emails of I HAVE NO IDEA, I CAN'T EVEN START WITH THIS FUCKING SHIT. God, I hate it when my boss is on vacation. * At one point Grandboss decided to bug me about a comm that got discussed last week, so I emailed her the conversation had between my boss and the comm lady. She continued to be all "but what about X, Y, and Z" and I was all "ah, I would rather wait to discuss this with my boss when she's back." For god's sake, I am not a decision maker here. You've made it clear that I don't run anything here, why don't you just go with it? * Sometime last week someone from another office emailed something, cc'ing me and InterimBigBoss. A week later, IBB writes her back: "Received." She writes him back clearly thinking He Has Done Something. I was all.....I suspect he has not actually done something and literally just wrote back to say he has her email. He proceeded not to respond to anything else regarding this the rest of the day. I was all, "Did you contact the gods of the giant org about this?" and she was all, "No, my predecessor told me YOUR office" (apparently she thought BigBoss specifically) "would do it." To which I am all, the fuck? Because all the other offices akin to hers send their own requests, which gets you a lot faster response since the gods of the giant org hate us. I don't want to get myself into more trouble. I didn't say anything so I'd avoid getting myself in more trouble, and just sent the stupid thing myself. (Still no response from the gods, mind you.) Also, y'know, I'm not feeling very impressed with IBB. I generally have nothing to do with him workwise anyway, but he's the blandest person I've ever met in my life and I was all, "um, dude, did you not realize she wanted something out of you? This wasn't just FYI." Was he like....paying attention? But he has nothing to do with the service area of the office, so I guess that flew over his head. Sigh.

Personal:

Well, Shanna has dropped out of Shiny Unicorns/friendship/what have you, apparently. She emailed Kelly (not me) to tell her that a whole bunch of bad stuff was happening and, well.... she also apparently told Kelly her phone got hacked, something that both of us suspect may be some kind of ah, BS to get out of group text. She's definitely gotten ah....erratic this month. If all the stuff she said is going on is happening at once, that certainly might bring it on. But....anyway, we are moving on without her. Sigh. At least we know she's bailing out. Kelly and I are both super irritated with people who just disappear. I was going to send Shanna the Shiny Unicorns yarn bomb, but under the circumstances I think I won't.

In more trivial news, Jean made me order a specific kind of Mary Jane flat shoes with small buckle off the Internet last week. Call 'em Shoe A, except they were all sold out of of my size by the time I got home last week. I immediately found Shoe B and ordered those. Well, Shoe B arrived today, I put them on, and immediately no. I barely got my toes into those shoes, the big toes were bulging, I was not going to be able to spend several hours dancing in them. I can say for Amazon that they made the return easy as pie though (even if I had to prove I've taken a symptom survey to go into the building for 30 seconds, some poor girl is being paid JUST for that), and then I had to order another pair of Shoe B in size seven*--and then it was all "You need to buy something else for $0.05 for free shipping," and when I went to go look for ideas off the wishlist--well, I'd bookmarked Shoe A in the wishlist and there was suddenly one pair of size 6 available! So I've had to buy both and we'll see what works, if bloody anything.

My shoe size, such as it is, is a giant pain in the ass. It's either a 6, 6.5, or 7, depending on the shoe. And my feet are whining little bitches who hate shoes ("it rubs! it pinches! it cuts my heel!" all the bleeding time), so buying shoes while trying them on is a pain in the ass already. Buying shoes online? CLEARLY NOT A GREAT IDEA HERE. I only did this online because she was SO specific as to what she wanted, and I'm not sure my usual mainstay of DSW would have precisely what she wanted here. My old boss, a size 12, would have to spend a buttload off Zappos on like 12 pairs of shoes, try them all and have to send most of them back. Feeling like her now.
I HOPE I can find shoes that don't slice me up between now and August 9, and you'd think having like 3 weeks would make this doable, but I dunno....

Other than that: walked around town after the Amazon run, listened to podcasts, listened to Camelot music.

Oh yeah, therapy: my therapist is doing better post-heart-attack, has a gigantic set of plans (cardiac rehab, diet, lots of therapy) going on. We'll attempt to meet one more time before she leaves for good. I told her all the stuff from the last few days and wondered why I get all butthurt over say, knowing I'm going to get a bad review ahead of time and yet I've still been sulking for days? "You're still butthurt that you didn't get what you wanted." Good point. I should let go of it.

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