Chaos Attraction

Faking It

2010-11-13, 3:43 p.m.

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So apparently the notifylist stopped working and nobody said anything about it to me and I can't find anything about it. Grrr. Have now replaced with TinyLetter.

I wish I could act. But when you can't get into a play in high school, and the last audition you ever go to, you get asked if it was your FIRST audition, well... I took the hint that I cannot.

I wish the rest of the world would.

Without getting into details, yesterday I got told that I should not be trying to blend into the nearest wall any more, and thus I need to start being able to fake normal and conventional. And I need to lie better.

Greaaaaaat.

The reason why I blend into the nearest wall under certain circumstances as much as I do is to avoid pissing people off. I have no intention of doing that, and I treat people the way I would want to be treated (to the best of my ability). But with some people, me being me is just gonna be offensive in general, and that's why I stay quiet in public and avoid positions of authority most of the time. I'm aware that bland behavior isn't my skill in life, and tried to pick a certain life situation where uh, I could mostly avoid having to fake that I can do that while still speaking. (Because let's face it, when I have to speak, that's when the cat gets out of the bag.)

If and/or when I get famous, someday I'm gonna piss people off a la Kanye. Okay, not in his special manner most of the time, but I'm sure I could have my own "George Bush doesn't care about black people" moment or worse. It's one of those things that scares me, and for good reason. (People of the Internet, feel free to laugh years later when this gets found!) I like being honest, and apparently other people would rather that I not be. So, yeah.

Really, I just wish I could have a life where I didn't have to fake it. But does that exist?

On a related note, you know what I also hate faking? The "ignoring game."

You know this one: you're wandering down the street or in a store or something and you can't help but spot a person.

Said person is, perhaps, an ex-friend of yours. Or your high school archenemy. Or someone that you were friends with a long-ass time ago that you lost touch with for whatever reason. Or it's a coworker from like ten years ago, or the ex-boss who canned you who's dining two tables away from you. Something like that.

Whatever it is, there is some kind of weirdness about the situation where (a) very, very soon it is going to be extremely difficult for you to not notice that they are gonna be right in front of your face, and (b) somehow, it is going to be amazingly socially awkward to have to deal with it. The person may be someone that you absolutely don't want to talk to, or (surprise!), they absolutely don't want to talk to you. Whatever it is, suddenly you realize, even if you didn't know this before, that doing a polite "hey, how's it going?" as you stroll by is not going to fly because man, they do NOT want to acknowledge that you exist. (It's really fun when you find this out the first time by saying hi to someone and they cut you dead.)

So, you play the ignoring game. You crank up your iPod really loud, you stare fixedly at something to your right for a really long time, a lot longer than anyone would normally do, you keep checking the time, you duck behind the nearest aisle, you stare straight ahead in a zombielike fashion a lot longer than anyone would normally do. And that person, who is RIGHT THERE NEXT TO YOU, does the exact same stupid, shitty behavior to pretend like they haven't seen you and thus neither of you have to admit that the other exists.

Why do we do this? I don't even like doing this, but I do it anyway. Okay, if both of us absolutely hate each other, this is perfectly fine, but otherwise, it's just WEIRD. And every time I fucking go through this situation (and now I literally LIVE by it, which is so awesome and, as you can guess, prompted this entry), I hate myself, and I hate the other person, and I hate whatever social norm crap that seems to be going on that I feel required to act like this.

I seriously wish that I could just live on an island, all alone, except for having food/supplies shipped in periodically. Because man, I hate people.


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