Everything Is Terrible Holiday Show
2012-12-10, 9:47 a.m.
recently on Chaos Attraction
I spent yesterday running around doing various errands, which was really nice to be able to do in a car. I hauled three bags of books to the library and left the sale with only one bag, which was nice. I hit the flea market, the gym, the grocery store, the drug store, and Joann's all in a day, which was nice. I also went into a Hallmark store and found this interesting Santa and a....Santa Vader. This just seems wrong. I did some cat sitting, and then since nothing good was on TV that night, I went to see the Everything Is Terrible show that was being put on on campus Sunday night.
Since I had the ability to, I drove over there, and then had an amazingly bad time trying to find parking, as the two closest lots were full. Then someone pointed out to me that since it is finals week, everyone was hogging the parking lots closest to the library. Oh, duh. I forget that people actually study during finals week, because I pretty much didn't for more than a couple of hours a day. I didn't think this thing would get a whole lot of people attending it, but more people showed up than I figured--maybe around 35-40-ish people. They had a set of Christmas trees made from cardboard and presents and the like. The trees, though, had a Grinch head within them. Hmmmmm....
The show is a compilation of terribly cheesy holiday videos, mostly appearing to be from the 50's-80's or so. For the first half hour or so they just showed random videos, which was probably a good idea given how many people wander in late to everything around here. I'll try to give you a rundown of what this was like. There were a lot of puppets and people in animal costumes and random TV stars dancing. Notable exceptions to this were:
(a) Some strange old movie in which a "Father Christmas" dude (in bathrobe, with a cast on his foot for some reason?) singing about how he has to be all nationalities ("I am a multiplicity!"). Then he busted out into some Cossack dancing, then some...Indian...dancing, then he was all Chinese with the elves in those little hats, and then they all acted like matadors.
After that half hour, the real show started. It featured a mix of live action stuff interspersed with video. The show is "hosted" by some kind of Yeti creature named Tanglefoot (which is apparently from some film thing or other I'd never heard of, as you find out from watching the video). It also features puppets--a Sesame Street-ish kid named Gordie who is whining about how he wants a Christmas, but his entire family is dead and his faith in God is dead. The Grinch trees sing along at the end. In the next act, Gordie wishes Christmas would go straight to hell and Grinchtree #1 says he's seen hell, and no. His name is "Abehu, the religious tree." (I'm guessing on the spelling.) To Gordie, the true meaning of Christmas is "cold death," in one fucking mass grave. Tree #1 is all, "that's pretty fucked up. So is a virgin being knocked up by God." Also, sheep stare at you as they eat your placenta. Huh? Tree #1 is into "buckets of blood." You know what washes out blood? Other blood. Jesus blood. Oooookay then. "Organized religion sure is cool!"
Then the second tree---Steve-- starts dissing the first tree and goes on about how Santa and presents are awesome. With swearing. Gordie is all, "Swear words! Awesome!" Steve raps. Tanglefoot loves rap, everyone else wants him to stop. Steve is all, you can have whatever you want for Christmas! Like a pile of presents or your dead relatives back! Gordie is all, "Well, I'm just traumatized enough to believe...." Steve pimps "Nick's fat sack."
Gordie identifies with violence (in the video). The Christian tree is all, "Genesis will get you hard." "Awesome! Boner." Gordie and Steve talk about boners, and the Christian tree doesn't actually know what that is. And then a GIANT SANTA HEAD WITH GLOWING EYES emerges in front of the screen. It announces itself as the Great Odinclaus and tells them they're all fucking freaks who have lost the true meaning of winter solstice. To Gordie, he is all, "Dude, it's been 2 years since you murdered your family. Just move on." Gordie is all, "Yeah, I guess I am being a pussy." Christian tree thinks the meaning of Christmas is Jesus blood, Steve thinks it's gifts, and Gordie thinks it's "my family is dead." Tanglefoot comes in to advertise that the special is available on DVD!
As for the video: It was one of those videos where they've edited it to be having some kind of conversation--I don't know how to describe it better than that. I really can't describe it too well overall, really. I attempted to take notes in the dark, so I am just going to try to translate them as best I can and you'll...well, sort of get the drift.
* Santa kills an attack dog in front of a kid.
So there you go.