Out of 20 people who auditioned, 17 got a callback. I wasn't one of them. Seriously, someone who couldn't even read aloud from a script very well got called back and I didn't.

WHY AM I SO BAD?! What is wrong with me that I can't tell how awful I am? Why is it that people who just flatly read without any acting whatsoever get called back and I do not?! THE FUCK?!?!

Explanations others gave me:

"You are giving a different spin than what they want." -my therapist, who also said you know when you are terrible when nobody wants you in their shows or karaoke EVER, and said this was intermittent reinforcement here and they wouldn't have let me in if I wasn't competent.

"that company knows you're committed, that you will be there for them in the chorus, on the technical staff, wherever. Some of the other audition disasters likely aren't as reliable or the director feels like they have more fragile egos that need to be stroked, and hence they get the attention." -my internet pen pal in Canada...I disagree with this one, but she's not a theater person, so different thinking there anyway.

"Auditions are hard and not getting a call back just means you dont fit into their idea of the piece. I do remember that so much relied on what the auditioners were looking for. Also if you are auditioning for the same people all the time that can change the outcome. Its kinda like family then, they made up there mind about you already one way or the other. There is a possibility to change their view if you go away and come back changed but even then with some of them they will always see you only one way. If you auditioning for a musical the line readings dont really matter. It is always the singing. The line readings will only matter if there are two people they are considering for one part and both actors sing equally well." -Melinda, who I emailed asking for help as to how to appeal to others.

Why am I supposed to love myself and think I'm great when so many others tell me how bad and inadequate I am? When there's a long list of how much I suck? Though some people said some very nice things to me online, so that really helped, albeit I busted out crying reading them

Went to the periodontist. "You have high blood pressure, are you doing anything about that?" No. Plus the usual "what, no mouthguard, no constant mouth scouring, you don't want free floss that you can't jam down your throat?" The lady is nice, but god, I'm so sick of hearing how bad I am. What part of I'M TRYING NOT TO BARF do y'all not get? In your job, of all things? Sometime I should just ask Other Jennifer (dentist) why others in her profession seem to be in denial of the issues that a gag reflex would cause. Then I got my birth control shot, where I got out fast and nobody told me how awful I was. Yay.

I am unclear as to why FedEx is claiming I'm going to get all the N95 masks today when they are currently located in Illinois. I don't think so. At least the periodontist had a basket of free N95's when you walk in, so there's that.

In actual not-suck news, Bev liked the show. I'm amused at the "cute Hitler" remark. And yes, it's a shame about audiences. What else can you say there.

As for work: spent the day working on more lists, skipped the emails, EVERYONE ELSE CAN DO THAT SHIT TOMORROW.

The one good thing about the day: apparently getting my iPod replaced entirely gets me a free 3-month subscription to AppleTV, so I could finally watch Come From Away online for free. (Also that I signed up for a design class online in February, which it turns out I CAN do because it's weekends...albeit 8 a.m. And Auburn Storytelling in a few weekends.)

I've listened to the soundtrack a billion times and I've seen clips online (probably ALL of them), but I was shocked to actually like, see a scene where people aren't singing and stuff. There's a Tim Horton's scene. There's a scene in the dark covering everyone on the air traffic radio. There's a plane scene, in which the mom is all "My son says I never travel. This is why." Har. People do the wave on the plane. Boobs are flashed (well, in bras). There's this whole "The gym teacher speaks Spanish and it's hot" bit I was not expecting.

Bonnie: "I have found ONE cat. Do you think it's Lyle who's barking?" All planes are being treated as bomb threats. "THERE ARE MONKEYS ON THIS PLANE." Bonnie finds an epileptic cat and rare pregnant bonobos.

I love the scene between the Kevins and Nick and Diane. The Kevins are afraid to out themselves, Diane is all "This nice gay couple came with us..." One of the Kevins is a "sexytary" and they hate people who work for oil like Nick. Hmmmm, never heard that before. "I think I'll stay with Diane, instead of the gay men who hate me," says Nick.

"DID YOU JUST SAY THAT HOCKEY IS CANCELED?!?!" They use the rink as the world's largest refrigerator.

"We just don't know where the red states are in a foreign country," the Kevins say, before outing as a "sexytary." The folks in the bar are cool with that. "We somehow ended up in the gayest town in Newfoundland." Is there something in the water? "That's why I only drink the beer."

Bob is confused that if he just grabs a grill out of someone's yard, they will shoot him. "I get offered a cup of tea in every backyard, and most of them offer to help me steal their BBQ's.... After that I stopped worrying so much about my wallet." Later: "I drunk all of your whiskey." "I would have done the same."

Annette is really obsessed with dudes...I think she needs new meat in Newfoundland.

I did enjoy the cod scene. And "Me and the Sky" (my other favorite part besides the cod kissing) is as awesome to see as it is to hear. I got chills in my drunk head at the end.

Beverley is told by her flight attendant that she refuses to get on the plane with a Muslim man. Poor guy gets called in and she has to watch his body search, which he's totally ashamed about. Planes end up stopping, which I wasn't aware of, and then Nick and Diane hang out doing "Stop the World."

The Make A Wish kids are totally okay with not having made it to Disney World. The animals are okay. "And since your partner over there likes to throw his own feces, you're the nicest bonobo I ever met," Bonnie says to the lady bonobo, who lost her baby. Oh man.

I like the followup in Gander--"Tom Brokaw called and we got a lot of money!"

Then I watched CODA again.... maybe watching a movie about a girl who barely starts singing and she's good enough to go to a prestigious school wasn't the best choice there. This was followed up by watching a show called "El Deafo," about a kid who loses most of her hearing due to illness. This is interesting because they replicate Cece's not-haring-so-great experiences, both of not hearing all that much and with the hearing aids in--"everyone sounds weird, even me." Cece as an adult narrates with "deaf voice." She likens her new hearing aid with microphone on (she hears the teacher chewing someone out, and peeing) to being a superhero called guess what.

I was sobbing when Ashley called and really, those who think I can't act should have heard me clean up right there. She was on oxygen today, is going to get a rapid test (they are handing them out in town to the positive ones) tomorrow and probably wait until Friday to actually use it, and her dad is at karaoke, not getting tested. Oy vey. I was all "probably not coming back until karaoke is outdoors again or things are less bad," and Ashley said she'd have to have her mask on the entire time.

Do you have any idea of how bad it hurts to know what you want to do and know that you absolutely can't do it with the body, brains and talent you were given?!?!?! That you're too dumb to run a business, too untalented to perform, too off-putting to do the job people actually want to pay you to do that you wish you didn't have to do in order to stay alive?

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