Chaos Attraction

Different Ways Of Looking At The World

2015-02-11, 10:22 p.m.

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So apparently the notifylist stopped working and nobody said anything about it to me and I can't find anything about it. Grrr. Have now replaced with TinyLetter.

There are different ways of looking at the world:

(a) Optimism! Why can't I have a fabulous life? Why does life always have to suck? Why can't there be awesome? Why can't I suddenly have an awesomely different life and find what I want to do and stuff like that? Come on, awesome! Magic exists! Let's do this thing! I can like, totally manifest money!

(b) Realism: Realizing that the only jobs out there are shitty ones with shitty pay that expect perfection. Always not being quite good enough or quite perfect enough because I don't know how to do travel arrangements. Or "haven't worked for an executive." Jeebus, how drastically different can that BE?! Nothing is transferable, they literally just want you to have done the job before exactly so they can slot you in. What the fuck. And when I look at listings for other jobs, I realize that I am getting paid far better here than I would be at any other org, apparently. Or they ask for ridiculous expectations. I saw a state job for a proofreader. Sounds great except it's from 1 p.m-10 p.m. seven days a week. Really, fuckers? With lots of overtime! Fuck you, you fucking fucks on that one. I keep coming to the conclusion that this is as good as I am ever going to get here. Ever.

Also, how the hell am I going to get from here to there? Where or what is "there," anyway? I can't figure out a logical, reasonable, rational way to get me to where I want to go, or even figure out where I want to go.

(c) Doom: Doomy doom dooms of doom. There is nothing out there for me except for things to continue to get worse and I will never make more money and I will just get poorer and eventually I will become homeless and/or move in with Mom and want to die. I don't see a way out of this maze.

(d) GRATITUDE! Which is to say, for now I have food and a roof over my head and I'm in good health and I'm not homeless yet! So I should celebrate and be happy! Happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(e) Faking it: "Everything is wonderful here. Everything is ALWAYS wonderful here." Smile, smile, smile!!!!! Stepford Wifing!

On a related note, here's this from one of my many mailing lists:

"No one can be both happy and unhappy at the same time, right? One blights the other. So here's what we do: Pick ANY reason to be happy, and unhappiness gets locked out. And we do it forever. Yeah, "OMG!!!" The Universe"

Hah. I can be happy as long as I don't think about how I have to fix my life. How's that?

I have some vague optimism going on right now, but again, no idea where to aim with this.


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