I went to Mom's and then we went to Fremont to meet up with Jackie at a place called "Le Moose," which was absolutely delicious Thai food that I recommend to all. Jackie brought us a shit ton of food--waffles, cupcakes and like six(I think?) flavors of homemade ice cream. Mom gave her some money for that, which Jackie really appreciated. She plans to make Mom some custom things involving Butterfinger in the future now.

I went on to them (and Roger later) in great detail about the graduation drama. I found out before I left the house that at 7:something a.m. they announced in person/on Twitter that their plans for the rest of the weekend would be to just read everyone's name from 7:30 on until they ran out of names or the health department/whoever made them stop, and the speakers "would record their speeches" and send them later. I checked the livefeed before I left and indeed, that was happening. As for the "makeup" ceremony, who the hell knows, doesn't sound like they ended up doing it and said they'd address this "at at later time" and refund some money for the caps and gowns. Some people who'd decided to skip the ceremony were pissed, but at least the ones who showed up got what they came for, I guess there wasn't a walkout/boycott or anything like that. So they made the situation less bad, I guess? Good for them for realizing that nobody gives a shit about the speakers. Indeed, Jackie was all "if it's not Taylor Swift, who cares." Later I heard from Roger that Evan had been forced to work there on Friday and apparently it was a shitshow, but Evan didn't elaborate on that over text, apparently.

After that, we went to San Jose Broadway to see Dear Evan Hansen. I've seen this before on an Internet pro shot (I did not watch the movie, nor would I) and I was not impressed with the plot. I still don't like the plot (me explaining it to Roger later: "It's how to achieve fame and popularity by pretending to be friends with a dead kid.") but I concur the production was very sophisticated and well done. They had all these long skinny screens on the stage and were constantly projecting cut-off Internet screens on them. On the one hand, nice effect, on the other hand, you can't read almost any of it and that was irritating. I did like how they managed to have film of the understudy on the screen, though. I note that literally half the cast (three guys and one woman, including Evan himself) were understudies for this one, which makes me wonder about their covid infections.

Mom was very wrapped up in it, said it was the most affecting show she'd ever seen, and wrote Roger a looooooooong text about it at intermission, and then was all, "I wonder what happens after that?" Me: "Well....remember how it's all a lie, and people are probably gonna be likely to figure it out?" This is an Emotional Wringer Play, and very modern, to be sure. I sort of wonder how this will come across in a few decades when the current social media is replaced with whatever, but who knows.

After that, we drove the food home, changed clothes, had like 10 minutes to finish the leftovers, then went to Woodminster for the second show of the day. They definitely had less people than prepandemic usual, but at least got some people returning. (Most notable thing: nobody was charging for parking?!) It was outdoors and most people weren't masked, but I felt like I should if I was sitting still right next to people for hours...I admit even I was kind of hitting my limit on the mask wearing since I'd had one on except for eating since about 10 a.m. on that day so it was probably over 12 hours by that point and my nose decided it wanted to be very sweaty. Oh well. Rather be safe than sorry. They also have the dreaded QR codes for programs--I can't say I blame them given the money issues, but they don't really get cell reception up there so I had to wait until we got down out of the hills to read it online.

Something Rotten is one I've seen before--San Jose, I think--and it'd probably be a very fun show to do. It's a delightful mishmash/spoof of musicals/Shakespeare, about a rival playwright to Shakespeare (a literal leather pantsed rock star in this) who consults a relative of Nostradamus to (a) find out what the next big thing in theater will be--it's musicals! and (b) asks what Shakespeare's greatest hit is going to be...he's told it's called "Omelet." You kinda get where that is going, I presume? Shakespeare finds out about this Nostradamus/omelet thing, dresses up in disguise and re-joins Nick's troupe to figure out wtf is going on. Meanwhile Nick's brother Nigel, a poet who gets on a lot better with Shakespeare, figures out stuff like "Oh, he's Danish, it's not a FOOD Danish," and well. the plot goes from there.

I think the one issue is that I don't like Nick Bottom (the main character) very much and he's kind of a sexist idiot. He has an awesome wife and a talented brother, and Shakespeare is a fun rock star character and there's a lot of Shakespeare/musical jokes and all of that is great, but seriously, Nick does not deserve his badass wife and he kind of sucks a bit? He's the one weak spot in this story, I think. The only understudy onstage was the one for Nick Bottom--I don't know what happened to the original guy but I gather he left with enough notice for them to give the understudy a full page in the online program promoting him. I liked him better, albeit he did have a very modern ponytail-buzzed-sided haircut that was a bit weird and not always covered by a hat. He at least came off a bit sweeter than Nick usually would, I think.

As for Mom: she did yell at me a lot this weekend. I think she doesn't get how easily upset she is or how easily she raises her voice, and it'll be for stupid stuff like "Why is your GPS saying to go that way when the instructions I got on my phone said to go a different way?" Me: "Hell if I know?" She then insisted on having HER phone and GPS on at the same time as mine...and they basically did the same thing. Ahem. That will be this week's therapy appointment. Jackie and I both have a thing about low self-esteem because people are always telling us we're crap all the time. She says her family does that to her all the time and while my mom doesn't, all the goddamned yelling all the time about the slightest of shit certainly makes you feel stupid and bad. I'm blocking the door or otherwise not doing whatever with the door right. Her front door opens itself awhile after you close it(!) so she is always yelling at me that I "left it open." I'm not holding the bag right. I'm not intuiting what she wants or who she's talking about. It's always fucking something. It was a lot of stuff like that and that is tiring.

We did finally exchange birthday gifts though. She seemed fine with her small number of them and even wore one of the necklaces....I see enough of my previous ones sitting around the house untouched anyway, why buy bigger stuff, I guess.

We also discussed how I just don't fit with what they want at work and I don't think she comprehends that because she loves service work and she doesn't get how I just rub people the wrong way at it. She keeps offering suggestions and how to "solve" the problem and asking me repeatedly to explain AGAIN how I make people mad, and then things get yell-y, and let's face it, some of the ways I piss people off really don't make that much sense either. I'm tired of explaining it to her again and again that I just keep getting things "wrong" and finding new ways to piss someone off, even if it's over email, even if I rarely deal with the public on the phone or in person, and even if I correct for whatever I did wrong last time, I find some new way to be bad again. She feels bad that I feel bad and that I'm always bad and wrong there, but...the problem is me and that I don't fit the world. There isn't a good situation out there that fits me and is stable as far as I've seen. Saying you hate customer service is like saying you don't want to breathe air--you don't get a choice on not having to do it.

The problem is that I have to make myself fit. If that means I apologize constantly (her: "Does that make you feel good?" Me: "No, but I feel like shit anyway." Her: "Then stop doing it." Me: "I will literally apologize for ANYTHING if it makes people feel less mad and makes them feel like they won and then will leave me alone.") and keep my mouth shut and write emails like I'm a robot and talk in Perky Voice! and every other fucking adjustment I have to make to BE NOT ME, then that's what it takes. If that shit makes me hate myself more, then that's the price I pay. Anything to make people less angry at me, less likely to strike out, less likely to ruin my life.

I wish I had a job I didn't hate. I wish my skills in life were ones that provided a regular paycheck and health insurance and stability and weren't easily expendable in pandemic. (I'm so fucking jealous of Mom for liking customer service, of Roger for being good at something valuable, of both of them for finding love.) But they're not, you know? I don't fit the world I live in. It could be worse, I could be in a red state or even weirder than I am, but I'm always going to be wrong and bad to most people on some level. It's not autism, it's just....I don't fit what others want out of me. Nobody really loves me except my mommy and that's always complicated and filed with drama. Again, how am I supposed to love myself and think I'm great when the people who are fine with me are vastly outnumbered by those who are not, and those who are not can hurt me for that? I'm not okay with who I am and I don't feel like I have any idea of how to change myself to be more of what people want naturally or to find a better fit for myself in the world.

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