Last year's here.

What did you do in 2023 that you’d never done before?
Got lead roles in real life plays. Got suspended from work. Went on psychiatric leave. Was forced to try psychiatric medication. Went into an outpatient program.

Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
OH FUCK THIS.

Did anyone close to you give birth? No.
Did anyone close to you die? No.
Did anyone close to you get married? No.
What countries did you visit? As if.

What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023?
A job where I'm not the worst person in the world. A love life that could actually work out. Better parts in musicals. A disability diagnosis that helps with the work situation one way or another.

What dates from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The day I got suspended. I fucking broke that day and I have not healed or recovered.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not killing myself. Seriously, that's it. I truly doubt I will be here next year if things don't have some kind of miracle happening. I know I'm "not supposed to say that," but if I get fired and can't get another job, which seriously, I'm too stupid to work right now and everyone tells me I can't do disability, what am I going to do? How am I going to live?
Beyond that: STILL DIDN'T GET COVID.
Beyond that: I got two parts! With names! That are high up on the cast list!

What was your biggest failure?
I absolutely cannot stop fucking up at work. My literally forgetting things I have known for years and not realizing for an hour plus, fucking up enough to get myself fired.
Also writing that letter to Scott, I should have just kept my stupid fucking trap shut, but I couldn't just keep it polite any more, could I. I had to throw a shit fit and blow it all up and be mean.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Psychiatric breakdown. I am destroyed. I can't remember things, I'm not exactly 100% functional, I can't sleep, I'm a fucking wreck.

What was the best thing you bought?
I can't remember.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Almost all of my friends. Union Guy. My psychiatric/medical team.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Scott.
Management at work.
My squealing coworker.

Where did most of your money go?
I dunno, same old shit?

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Lead roles in plays. I haven't updated since June...still... but I got to play one of the bridesmaids in Tony n' Tina's Wedding this time, and played Hero in Much Ado About Nothing. I admit that both of these were because *very few people auditioned* (seriously, we started out Much Ado with six people and recruited the rest all summer) and I don't think I would have gotten those parts had younger/hotter ladies auditioned, but everyone at Winters seemed to think I did a good job, so there's that.

What song will always remind you of 2023?
I can't do this one right now.

Compared to this time last year, are you
Happier or sadder: Goddamned miserable.
Older or wiser: Older and DUMBER.
Thinner or fatter:

No idea. My appetite has really suffered since the suspension. Going on Wellbutrin killed my appetite 95% dead and put me into days long insomnia and frankly, the appetite still hasn't 100% recovered to its normal even after going off of it. (I note I'm trying to force myself to eat dinner right now while writing this and am pretty apathetic about eating it.) However, my birth control means you do not lose weight ever, so....who knows. I don't keep a scale.

Richer or poorer:
I dunno how to chart this one. I lost income from my own stupidity, but also saved some more money than usual now that I'm forced to cut down on my spending.

What do you wish you’d done more of?
I wish I'd gotten into some theater show in winter, but nobody wanted me in the shows I liked better, and I couldn't stand the shows DMTC was doing in winter, so I had a dull winter.

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Being such a fucking fuckup. Angsting over Scott, who doesn't care and isn't going to.

How did you spend Christmas?
Hanging out at Roger's.

How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?
At the Winters singing show/party.

What was your favorite TV program?
Ted Lasso.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I hate my coworker who squealed on me. That's new.
I don't hate Scott, but I'm...well, we can finally say I don't think I love him any more. You can't love someone who finds you repulsive and won't speak to you again, so I guess that's killed but dead. I'm not 100% over caring about him yet, but hopefully my caring about him will finally die entirely. If I'm alive next year, hopefully I'm not still whining on this topic.

What was the best book you read?
Divine Rivals, I think, and its sequel that I'm still on is also extremely good. I don't really have the energy to go through all my book list this year.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
I don't think I have the energy to think this one out.

What did you want and get?
Lead roles in some plays.

What did you want and not get?
To get into Avenue Q. I think it will always hurt that I never got into that and never will.
To be left alone at work.
To have all of my brain function back again so I can stop being a fuckup at work.
To be able to get a job elsewhere.
To find love with someone else.

What was your favorite film of this year?
Barbie.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had rehearsal.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
BEING LEFT ALONE AT WORK TO NOT BE TOLD HOW AWFUL I AM ALL THE TIME.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2023?
Sad exhaustion and sweatpants.

What kept you sane?
Friends.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't really care on this one any more. I was following Jen Psaki on MSNBC shows for awhile, but that's collapsed along with my mental health.

What political issue stirred you the most?
Oh, everything. Hatred of weird people. Trump getting away with everything.

Who do you miss?
Scott, sadly. I hope to god I get over this. I know, I know, I should be over it by now.
I just hate having to give up having feelings for someone and going back to barren NOTHING and no hope and no future and nothing to look forward to. That's probably the #1 reason why I haven't totally gotten over it yet.

Who was the best new person/people you met?
Lots of new theater castmates are great.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2023:
No matter what, you can't stop failing at work. People want to see you as a horrible failure and that is what they are going to do. They really do want you gone.

A quote that sums up your year:
"You feel worse trying to get better." -my friend Rachel on my situation.

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