Chaos Attraction

Mazed and Confused

2023-12-25, 10:02 p.m.

I didn't sleep well last night, so much for all those sleeping pills (took a trazadone at 11, tried a clonidine when I woke at 6 a.m., nothing doing). I guess they don't trump my feeling angsty. I lost consciousness at one point because I dreamed I heard back from Scott and he said he got the letter and to call him, I briefly woke up happy and realized it was a dream and I was lying to myself again and that was the end of sleep. Well, I kind of dozed from 8-10 or so.

I wish I didn't hurt over the situation, I don't really know how to stop hurting over it, and I thought burning bridges would finally make it stop, but apparently not. I assumed he'd care enough to apologize, but then I reread over what I said and um, yeah, I think I discouraged that heavily, albeit that was because I figured he'd be all, "I feel uncomfortable and will never speak to you again because you made me feel uncomfortable" and trying to guilt someone into responding isn't great. Though also maybe he just hasn't read the mail. I don't know. I just continue to make myself crazypants and I don't know what the heck else to do to make myself feel like less shit about the situation and to just totally stop caring and let it go, because burning the goat* about it didn't work either. Or maybe it's just Christmas regrets that I was deliberately shitty at Christmas, too. I'm not sane and I'm not thinking things clearly (which I actually pointed out in the letter) and I just made everything weird. I want to make up but at the same time don't think it's possible and it's probably not a great idea and hell, I don't know, nobody knows.

* note: Gavle Goat is still unburned, albeit very pecked this year. Also I found out that my goat sweater is shipping from effing CHINA, I would NOT have ordered it had I but known that. I also note that they seriously updated with new 2023 merchandise TODAY.... really? Who runs this website? I don't recall having these issues when I ordered an ornament last year. It's probably some ripoff site, sigh.

I whined to Mom and she was pretty much "suck it up, buttercup, time to get over it, he's probably autistic anyway, and you chose to blow it up," which is true. I had a long time to think about the choice, I did it anyway, and...yeah. I also whined to someone who told me to send it and give him the chance to apologize, and she said that maybe sometime I'd hear from him and sometimes people like to take their time to sort their feelings, plus time of year. Well, yeah, but I done blowed it up good, didn't I. All I'm going to hear is the email I got from the store with the family's names on it.

I'm just tired of being lonely, sad, romantic love-less and work hopeless. I don't want to go back to having no feelings and everything being a barren wasteland again. But here I am.

Other than that, everyone here didn't get up and out of bed till sometime between 11-12, we had breakfast circa 1...I don't think I'm leaving before it gets dark like Roger wanted me to, oh well. I think Mom would be mad if I left before dinner. I read Amy Schneider's book that I got for Christmas (recommended) and put together the Lego Magic Maze. This thing is both super adorable and poorly engineered in some respects, to the point where I kind of want to go home and substitute in some pieces to make it work better. Why the fuck is there a giant hole in the middle of it for the ball to fall out of, for example. I managed to fiddle with the maze positioning a bit to make that less bad, but there's a teeter-totter in it that doesn't work and there's a hidden maze that's a pain to get through, and I just feel like Lego usually does better engineering than that. They had a "review the product" option and I certainly did do that. I love that it's an ultimate fidget, but it could really use some tweaks at minimum.

We finally had dinner around 5:30, dessert around 6-ish, and then Mom and I spent two hours trying to get some stuff printed for me. The nice thing about leaving at 8 was no traffic, nice and quiet. So now I am home and cold again, waiting for another week to come.

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