Chaos Attraction

Valentine's Jokes

2020-02-13, 7:12 p.m.

I had to mention that yes, my already-hired coworker who hasn’t even been here a year yet got the new job over my favorite temp. I am just so mad. I can’t even be happy for her because (a) seriously, hasn’t even been here a year yet,* (b) already has a permanent job, (c) I wanted Hannah to get it** because she doesn’t have a permanent job and I want to keep her.

* like Hamster Girl, who was in our unit for like two months and then immediately got another job. Can’t blame her when she needs more money, but still irritating when we’re back in the hole again. Never even LEFT the hole in this case.
** though on the other hand, now we’re going to have two more positions opening up, so maybe she gets one of those...I wouldn’t mind if she got my dead coworker’s position, up next in the queue or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, I know, if you have the designated job where you get screamed at all day, which has been going on for her lately, it sucks. Though I am pretty sure they warn you about it with this slot. That’s probably why. Though in all reality, it’s only switching from “being yelled at in person” to “being yelled at on the phone,” which I actually think is worse because people don’t bother to have restraint on the phone.

And what really cheeses me off is that we’re already a lot of people short (at the moment out of six non-managers, we’ve only got three “permanent” staff here, would have four if Lioness wasn’t out) and we desperately need to fill the vacancies. This does NOT fill the vacancies, it’s just the fucking shuffle again. We’re STILL short two people. GodDAMMIT. We haven’t been fully staffed in at least two years, since Hamster Girl got hired, and look how long that lasted.

Grandboss called Tigress and I into her office today to hang out and chat, which is what we mostly did, but also she wanted to give us some sympathy for being short staffed yet again. I pointed out some of what I said above and she said something or other like, the hiree is so talented, and I wanted to say, I could never, ever get another job in this office when I applied for it. You want to keep her and give her a “better” (it isn’t really, it’s just the phone version of her current job) position, but nobody would ever do that for me? I know it’s drastically different management since I applied for jobs here, but... well, I can’t do that again, literally. I’ve learned that I am not talented. I bust ass, I get through more paperwork than anybody, I run a tricky section of the office all alone, I had a major win in getting a major thing done before I’m gone for days so that nobody has to figure out how to cover for me....but, y’know, it doesn’t matter in the end because I’m not a happy phone answerer.

Grandboss also showed me an old photo of herself and her son, in which her son was making a ridiculous face. She said “that’s the face he said I make if someone asks me out,” and I then told her how my week had gone. Tigress was all “you hot mama” and I was all “not really, this is what I attracted after sixteen years of nobody wanting me,” and Grandboss was all “oh, that’s not true” and I was all more or less yes, that is... Then I told them the “cats in clothes” thing from yesterday (along with the other managers who came in at the end to hang out) and everyone laughed.

I cleaned out my CC cubby today. I feel sad about it. I don’t know why the hell my soul decided it’s done with volunteering there, but it has. I don’t want to leave the place really, but... argh.

In the “finding hearts n’ stuff” category, I found a valentine “To You. From Me” on a table. Very sweet.

I’d like to think this is my last VD single, but.... no comment. Oh well. I will be hella distracted tomorrow and not care, hopefully.

As for tonight, I went to the VD standup comedy show, because you know everyone at that is single, amirite? The room was overfull, but because I went alone and sat in a 2 person seat row and everyone else came with their twelve friends, I had the row to myself for half the show. One guy sat down, heard me laugh, and IMMEDIATELY got up and walked away. That’s my life, y’all.

Lines from the evening:

“Do you ever get tired of yourself?” (YES.) ... “Sometimes I just wanna kill myself out of curiosity. But I have to keep living because it’s polite.”
“Heaven feels like a big white party. Probably have bingo.”

(After a story about breaking up with a girl, leaving his groceries at the house, she refuses to let him have them, his roommate tells him they leave the back door unlocked and he goes in to get his groceries and forgets the Nutella... she posts online...)
”Free Nutella is the best Nutella.”

“I’m an RA, not a stripper, chill!”

“You know the look when he wants to get laid--”
Girl in the audience behind me: “Can’t relate.”

(On her boyfriend) “He might be the man I want to spend the rest of my life doing standup comedy about.”

(On men saying that they want The Purge to be real just so they can express their feelings) “Might see a therapist or I could murder three children. Budget therapy!”

“I dated a cannibal. But it wasn’t my fault.” (She goes on to explain the local Ash Cookie Scandal, in which some kid baked his grandpa’s ashes into cookies and served them up to other students. True story.) “My ex had a mouthful of cannibal.” She notes that since there’s technically no way to bust anyone for this legally, it’s a “fun and legal senior prank.” (Dating a cannibal isn’t even the worst. I didn’t write down/remember what she said next, but...) “I like to think I’m not easy, but I dated that guy!”

There was one guy who was spectacularly weird/bad:
“How long after oral sex do I have to use soy sauce again?”
“Math and hentai are very similar. I know a lot about both but nobody wants to hear it.”
“I have a few words I’d like to leave you with. HoloCostCo and Armenian GenoRiteAid.”
AND THIS ONE HAS A GIRLFRIEND, Y’ALL. Seriously, sometimes I can’t help but think, how come that person can get someone?

One girl broke out a ukulele and sang the following:
“Be proud of the first time you come, because it won’t happen again.”
“Watch hentai for the language learning experience.”
“Eating ass is plenty vegan and it’s recycling.”

“That we can’t have romantic comedy endings in airports any more. That’s one of the biggest things I hate about 9/11.” (Seconded.)

“If I had to do it all over again, I definitely would have brang that goat.”

“As a man, it’s probably not my place to talk about abortions, but....”

One girl talked about how some friend of hers’s boyfriend would only go down on her with his mouth closed. So what the hell does he DO, you ask? She mouthed closed mouth kissing, motorboat noises.... Then she said this made her wonder what she tasted like, so she licked her vibrator and was all, “Don’t lie. I know you’ve all tasted your own sexual juices.” (Can’t say it sounded tasty to me....)

I know I’d heard this next guy’s routine before about his accidental gay date, but it did feature the following lines:

(On gay sex:) “Harvey Milk died for it, it has to be good!”
“I’m not gay. I think it took three pumps to realize that.”
(His date.) “Oh dude, me neither!”

Another guy started out with a local reference we all got: “So I went to the Jamaican clothing store recently....” (and was wearing a hoodie clearly from there.)
Then he went into politics:
(On Bloomberg:) “He’s like if your clingy ex-boyfriend had sixty billion dollars.”
“If there’s one thing we learned, billionaires from New York City make great fucking presidents!”
“Bernie Sanders is my Valentine, bitch!” (then he stripped down to a Bernie shirt).

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