Chaos Attraction

Back To Therapy

2023-01-31, 9:38 p.m.

Today was supposed to be Shaming Day, but OldBoss elected to be out for most of the day and it got postponed. So I get to have TWO heavy duty talks about how bad I am, one right after the other tomorrow. Guess I won't go to tap class because I'll be crying after it's all over. I really just wanted to get it fucking over with already, especially since today was no karaoke (seriously, Ashley didn't even call!) and I had the free time to cry. OldBoss was clearly hopping on email again at 3:45 today somehow and I just wanted to ask if they could get it over with, but I always regret speaking up, so I did not.

I felt like I was walking through minefields all fucking day today. I feel like any time someone asks me a question, especially someone high up, I get in trouble or can potentially get in trouble. Higher-ups wanted a meeting, I forwarded on to management. Someone had a weird tech question, I forwarded it on to management, but I bet it pisses someone off somehow. Some rando got bitchy at me today. She sent me INCORRECT paperwork (like, don't ask for X on the paperwork and then send an email saying that so-and-so wants Y, I have to have it on the form for the records, and they insist on signatures and things) AND I pointed out that the person who gave it to her needs to fix something first, and then she got in a snit at me, and told me to tell everyone else involved and I was thinking, fuck you, bitch. Can't you just like, WRITE THAT INFO ON THE FORM YOURSELF for all I care and have the big shot turn in their thing? FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Not that I said that, of course.

I also got another tedious long list of shit that would have normally gone to our temp, who is now gone. So I did it, and then got "can you save that for the other temp next time?' Other temp isn't even working for our group, how was I supposed to know?

I did take a semi-useful class in interviewing, anyway, and I got lists of potential questions and things like that. She went on about power poses and I didn't have the heart to say, "Um, that got debunked, I think," but I can't help but wonder if my issues are just that I don't give a shit about what I'm applying for and I'm not convinced I'm the best and should be hired.

Checking Facebook, I saw that Redhead Sarah had posted a fervent plea that she was short on rent, couldn't work for 2 weeks, was in ill health, not getting enough shifts at work, and the landlord raised the rent and put her on a month to month lease, presumably to try to kick her out, and one of the kids is throwing up. However, looks like people donated money to her(it was not that specific?) by the time I saw this, so that worked out. The amount of shit she has going on is boggling.

On a better note, I actually GOT TO DO THERAPY TODAY, as my therapist is a lot less ill, finally, and one ear works. It was a good session, in which I caught up on over a month's worth of drama. It kind of helped me resolve some things, such as I'm just going to ... not give Scott any kind of late gift as a makeup for Christmas or anything, I'm just going to "forget" about it and never do it. Looking at his bare house certainly made me think nothing I can do for him would fit in there and all those gifts were stupid anyway. Also I mentioned the murder mystery thing and she said, "well, if all the gigs are hours away and take all day and you can pretty much only do them Saturdays, and that takes up ALL your Saturdays, I can see why it'd be an issue." Good point, I should have figured that one out myself. And that I was doing the best I could on the lights not working and I tried everything I could.

Then it turned into this whole "why don't you start your own business" thing again--if I could just show my stuff to "the right people" or find someone else to run a business, or something something something. However, even if having My Own Business would be the only way I can do anything I care about, nothing I care about is worth anything! It's all expendable (especially in say, pandemic), it doesn't provide health insurance, and I'm so goddamn unable to keep track of numbers and money issues that I need to wait until tomorrow (rent + payday) to write all my checks. (Yes, I have to write checks for some places. Shut up.) Truth be told, I think it's incredibly insane to make super detailed craft items for money and then charge a lot of money for them, because I don't know anyone who would pay that much, even me. That's no way to have a business. And I used to dredge through Business for Dummies and The Right Brain Business Plan and bought reports on how to sell on Etsy and had that "we're gonna start a business" club and guess what? I still didn't want to do the work of running a business. It sounds just as awful and stressful as my job + no stability. I don't get how the hell Scott's parents think it's so dang fun that they just keep on creating businesses, apparently.

She says I argue with her (true) and say no to everything (true) and if I just found the right people (hell if I know).... She said I think tiny, which is absolutely true. I don't go out of the box on anything that needs to be practical. I haven't the faintest idea how to say yes to any of that stuff and I also don't want to or think I should, though. I am 100% convinced that a useful day job with regular pay and health insurance is The Way and The Only Way, I still don't want to run a business, and being a retail employee would make me even worse than I already am, and no, I'm not willing to give that shittiness a chance either. She tried to convince me that getting yelled at in retail isn't as bad, and I said, "I remember that time you told me that working retail was the same except you get yelled at that bad over a sweater." So...

Unfortunately, the only good answers I have to my problems are to keep trying to be what everyone else wants me to be, keeping my damn mouth shut as much as possible, walking on eggshells every time I'm forced to speak, and apologizing profusely every other minute. If I'm going to be A Problem--dumb girl who can't do math and can't do service without flipping out inside--my career prospects are limited. But you can't not do service, it's like saying you don't want to breathe air. (Which I don't because covid, but you can't get around it.) Literally, "get better at what you hate and stop pissing people off" is the only reasonable option/answer/choice here. Every single day, I come back to that as the same conclusion.

After work I got drunk, made fake garlic bread (minus the garlic), watched a yarn presentation, and then the final Hallmark movie I've got saved, "The Holiday Stocking," yet another movie so boring I don't really care enough to post a review of it. Mildly interesting that a dead guy is turned into another human named "RJ" for 12 days to get his estranged sisters back together, but didn't really stay too interesting after that.

At least today is the last day of January. I don't expect improvements in February, BUT AT LEAST IT AIN'T JANUARY.

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