33 people got callbacks. I was one of them. *faints*

Today's sleep: slept 3 hours on my own, woke up with We Shall Not Mention What in the middle of the night for no good reason, I didn't bother to take any pills, but managed to go back to sleep eventually to finish out the 8 hours. Go figure.

IOP: grief and loss. I don't particularly feel like writing down notes on this since I haven't had anyone die on me for quite some time, but you know how that goes.

I did get a psychiatrist appointment scheduled for me at noon today, so yay to that. New temporary one was very nice, suggested the following: (a) I can take up to 200 mg trazadone/get differently sized pills and try that (doubling what I'm doing now), give that a few days to work. (b) If THAT doesn't work...seriously she suggested antipsychotics, which wigged me right out. Seroquel specifically as step 2--she said it'd be low dose and not what they give to bipolar people--because that makes you sleepy. At least it's chewable. (c) If that doesn't work, the tricyclic antidepressants, which might not be chewable...depends on which one, I got a little confused on the options there.

So, um, I hope to god upping the trazadone works because I'm scared of escalating this shit further. (Seriously, antipsychotics are better than pot gummies? Her: "Well, you shouldn't be on that while being evaluated for ADHD, it complicates things.")

She let me get a refill on the trazadone (said to mail order it) with bigger pills, which is fine, I ordered that.to be shipped to me.

Also asked how long it takes Lexapro to work and she said give it another 2 weeks and see if you have less worry/rumination and more energy, and if not, then it gets upped to 15 mg.

I will not be getting diagnosed with ADHD. They just can't decide if you're anxious and depressed! They can't! They are punting it to the new psychiatrist to let HIM decide. She said "there is definitely a possibility that you do have ADHD" but the anxiety needs to be reduced...yeah, that's never happening. She said I could pursue disability with what I've got, but she doesn't have the paperwork either (she didn't think it was taken care of) and I said so far all medical professionals don't want to do it, so...it's not an option, as it turns out. She said IOP psychiatrists are very used to filling out this kind of paperwork and "there's a lot of promise in the root you are pursuing," and "the process, I'm sure, is infuriating" and "you have a lot of different conditions." But unless I'm less anxious...yeah, right, I don't think that's happening. She said my having an official psychiatrist would have more leeway, but...

Hilariously, she said "we all really get the feeling you are determined" and I was all, "are you kidding me? I don't get anything usually! Literally only if I've been crying hysterically!"

Rae's birthday party, OH GOOD LORD WAS SHE BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS. Wearing a sarong and flashing people and and doing dirty dancing and generally being very, very, very, very hyper. I do not envy her mother dealing with her over the weekend, because I was tired after like 3 hours and looking for an excuse to take Ashley home. I think all attendees were and really, the only sugar involved was the cake. Lots of music and stuffed animals, an attempt at watching Moana, very loud noisemakers, fake tattoos. She did like her presents, though. One person at the party was kinda like, "y'all are okay with her doing this?" --this was during the "Dick in a Box" portion of the evening, Ashley was all, "I have to look for this?"--and I was all, "honestly, we can't get her off that train and she gets on it fairly frequently." The party guests were nice, though--I think her other caregiver, I'm not sure who the other person was, and Madeleine who I met on the 4th of July, it was great to see her again.

Very distracting from my own shit, albeit also exhausting. I hope Ashley doesn't get any kind of weird issues afterwards.

Came home to find out that the paperwork was put in the mail, it wasn't sent to my work (well, that's fine, I asked for it to go to me anyway so I'm baffled on that last bit) and it wasn't saved electronically, there is no way to get one electronically (I guess he won't redo it?), and at this point I'm out of options until the official psychiatrist appointment, period. Dr. Amanda suggested asking the evaluator for assistance, but I'm gonna bet money she says no to that, too, because this is how my life goes.

I emailed Union Guy that the jig is up, and unless there's a miracle in the mail (on a related note, just put in a prayer to St. Anthony), I'm not going to be able to make the deadline.

Callbacks: sang "Do You Love Me?" with five other potential Goldes, sang the Grandma Tzeitel and Fruma Sarah bits of "The Dream." Then got dismissed early and did not get to do any line reading. So that's how it went. (No Yente, I suppose.) Oh well, I gave it a shot, I almost never get called back, it's an honor just to be nominated. I took other notes but am too tired to recount them now. It's been a long-ass day.

Heard from Dr. A, he said he put it in the mail (correct address at least) and...otherwise I have to wait for Dr. Horne.

I want to go drink now.

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