Today's sleep: went to bed, woke up 2 hours later as usual, realized I forgot the trazadone, popped two pills, then did seven hours. Yay. Then after eating lunch today, I went back to bed again for several more hours. I am so wrung out and exhausted.

But: HAHAHAH I AM NOT WORKING TODAY HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

On a related note, today's IOP lecture was on sleep. I note pretty much almost everyone doesn't "get good sleep" in there, which does not surprise me. I am not a fan of sleep hygiene lectures because a good chunk of the stuff I either can't or won't do or it just plain doesn't help at all, but someone did finally say to just focus on 1-2 do's and 1-2 don'ts, which I am more in favor of. Mostly I think sleep hygiene lectures probably are supposed to work for people who take forever to fall asleep in the first place and since my sleep issues have changed to "I wake up after 2 hours irrevocably, the first time to fall asleep is fine BUT" (someone said anti-anxiety meds should help, I said those still haven't kicked in yet), and a lot of other people had the same issue...so I said uh, how does this help with that, and the lady said to just get up for a half hour at a time when you wake up in the middle of the night, go into another room and do something else quietly. That's fine.

I probably won't have group therapy tomorrow since I'm the only one signed up. Asked about getting notification if it cancels, Dr. Amanda said she could let me know after people have their afternoon sessions.

I was too tired to do much of anything today. I spent like an hour taking the batteries out of my light-up clothes--god, I hate those damn tiny screws that won't come out--, I set up the tree crystals I got at work, I finished a book, I did a little singing practice. My energy is down the toilet. Oh, and also I have people telling me that saying I'm not autistic MEANS THAT I AM AUTISTIC, and an asshole, please fuck off and die.

Fiddler auditions: I am baffled as to why Jan thought 80 people--40 per night--were going to show up to this? I counted 28 tonight, who knows on tomorrow, but it was around 50 who "expressed interest" on FB total. The list won't be up until Saturday morning because of the opening of Seussical. Jan went on about the importance of having a big ensemble for this one and they have a lot to do. Usually when she says that, that means "heavy ensemble" show because she said that for Evita, Christmas Carol, etc. But since I just saw Fiddler a few weeks ago, I was all "yeah, right, that's light ensemble" (also confirmed by Jennifer G). Bottle dancers will be of both genders and there will be no Velcro on the bottles.* I was all, "good luck to whoever ends up with that, it ain't gonna be me." I don't know who would get those roles given who was here tonight since I think most people were trying to get parts, nor did I see anyone auditioning who stood out to me as being particularly dance-y usually.

* I note they tried some tricks like this for Producers and they didn't work anyway...

People in attendance I knew: Stacy, Blond Joshua (Brunette Joshua is taking a break), Joe and Brian from Camelot, two of the chicks from Cabaret and one of them brought her daughter (cute), Ed, Carter, Amy, Noel's husband Ben, Marguerite, Steve from Music Man, Jeff who was out with covid through Sweeney Todd. Lots of guys up for Tevye tonight, I think. Except for Brian, who made it clear in the past ONLY LAZAR WOLF, which I presume he'll get. Liked the teenage/young adult ladies up for the girl parts. Gabriella (the kid) doing Mamma Mia got big applause.

Joshua is an extremely quiet speaker/singer (honestly, I sit next to him and he's hard to hear, and yet Brian and Joe were in front of us grumbling that Joshua kept talking through all the singing), was surprised to discover that Stacy also sings very quietly as well. I've technically never been in a show with her before--she's been a dresser on several I've been in--so I haven't heard her audition. She just does the same song every time--very quietly. Huh.

Mine went well, I was a little thrown by the piano sounding different than I'm used to, but I made it through my big long note without running out of air, so YAY on that. Not that it matters, anyway. Brian did a lovely Cockney accent during his song, Ed did Leaf's "I'm Not That Smart" from Spelling Bee, Marguerite did "Beauty and the Beast." Carter appears to have brought all the kids in his house tonight.

I didn't put down any part I "wanted" (this is a joke for me) and left that box blank on the form. This is because every time I've written down parts to be considered for, I was straight up not considered for/allowed to read for them, so why bother. The best results I got was writing down "warm body or dead body" for Christmas Carol (the joke is that you play ghosts in one scene). Like technically I'd say "consider me for anything" if there was a point in saying anything because I'm not against playing any of the older women/character bit parts if offered one, but I know darned well they're not going to? Writing down what part you want is generally intended for the people who are all, "I want Tevye or NOTHING!" and is more of a lead actor thing. They spell out here, "let us know if you would or wouldn't take ensemble, if you only want a part and not ensemble, you may not get in."

(I note one Steve grumbled tonight about some girl who wanted Laurey but said she'd do ensemble, then claimed she was too busy to do the show when she didn't get Laurey. "Would you have been too busy if you got Laurey?" "No." "That was the wrong answer." )

Then I started to wonder about this because I was sitting with Blond Joshua and Stacy. I don't think Joshua cares about parts and was sent home early once the singing audition was done, and Stacy wrote down "ensemble" for hers because she doesn't want one and the director was all, "Stacy, you're just here to watch" to her, and then Stacy said to me, "she just has people read who said they want roles." Then everyone else but me and Stacy got parts to read and I felt super weird. My impression from these auditions is a lot of people did spell out parts because the director said that's why it was taking so long, to get everyone to read for what they put down.

I was finally randomly allowed to read for Golde about halfway through, surprise. I thought I did a good job on it and suddenly I busted out with comedic voice, but...I know how that's going to go, a lot of older women auditioning for this one, etc.

Oh well, I know what my place is in this world, and since I'll probably be getting fired/having another mental breakdown during the run of the show, not having a part is all for the best.

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