Chaos Attraction

They Just Don't Get It

2020-06-04, 10:02 p.m.

Oh joy, I get to talk about today. Am I drunk enough yet? I'm finishing off the wine.

Today's chewout session was about the same as they ever were, except they could not see me over Zoom (and openly complained about how they can't scrutinize if I am paying attention to them, but too bad) and I knitted during it to calm myself down (it helped). I also had a giant note on my screen saying YOU ARE WRONG, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT (i.e don't even try to defend yourself), YOU ARE WRONG in giant red and bold underlined letters to remind me of what I was dealing with.

Yes, I was wrong. I turned into a complete asshole in the meeting. I was offensive and horrible. I agree with everything they said. I should not have said anything (even though they also complained that I don't say enough, I also don't say it right when I speak either...and when I pointed out that if I asked BigBoss a question, I'd only piss everyone off, they had no disagreement with it because they know I would). But that said, I just get the feeling that they just don't get it and never will and for all the pushing they did to get me to "communicate" and open up about my issues, which I was forced to do to some degree, they pooh-pooed my issues.. They don't care that getting yelled at is extremely stressful.

When they said, "Is there anything we can do to help?" and I said "the workload is too much," they ignored it, for example. They want me to sign up for more service classes. I already took them all. Maybe I should just take them all again and then I'll be out of work longer during the work day and get even less done. Which, btw, they seem very weirdly unconcerned with. I brought this up several times and instead they were all, "What if we took you away from what you are good at and only put you on answering the phones all day?" Yes, that was said. Because making me a good service robot is the only priority, even though I say it's hard and I struggle and it's really upsetting and I did not apply here to deal with angry clientele. They do not care. They seemed to think I was trying to get out of it. I just want them to understand that shit is hard, but noooooooo, not even during a pandemic can they get that. Jeebus H. Christ.

Seriously, I can't go on 2/3 pay for stress leave and I can't get a hold of my shrink, but at that point I considered noping out of here and going out on stress leave and letting THEM figure out how to deal with it all. The only thing they can acknowledge is that doing my job alone 'is a silo." They are deathly concerned with my behavior but not anything else, like the workload not getting done or me being stressed or fucking anything. It's so bizarre. I pointed out that my job only gets more demanding in the next few weeks and I literally won't be able to do Tigress's job or cover the emails and they just...ignored that. I pointed out that we had a ton of emails today that had to be done today that we couldn't get done today and ... nope, crickets?

I can't even with these people. We will have this discussion again in a few months, and a few months more, and for eternity until management moves on and I'm still here. What is the point of this any more.

I consider myself to be doing well for not crying during the whole thing. That's the best I can do. I am going to always be a failure. Yes, I stink at this. But isn't it clear to them that I can't get any other job? That they can't get any other person? That we are semi-unhappily married for eternity at this point and we're just gonna have to put up with each other's foibles?

God, I wish I could talk to my shrink. Is she still alive? Is she sick? Is her mother sick?

Btw, speaking of other people getting jobs, BigBoss apparently forgot to notify us all that SuperBigBoss's assistant's departure was announced weeks ago. Make of that what you will.

I also managed to not piss anyone else off during the other meetings today, so there's that. Regarding the emergency meeting for Giant Proofreading Names Project, they decided to not add any other names to the darn thing this year after all, so after I get a few name changes from my retiring buddy, we are done for the week. Huzzah. So there's that. I also enjoyed the head of the project ranting about the same problem I always rant about, so that was fun.

I'm getting drunk at this point. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Vegetarian eating all day long (salad for lunch, chips n' dip for dinner) will do that to me.

Afterwards I had rehearsal for Dropping Bombs. Mike was not there because he got a wisdom tooth out (what a time to have that go on), but Beth has decided to have him read stage directions, and we'll rough out whatever he's doing later. Probably Sunday, which I think is going to be kind of a dress rehearsal day, bring props, etc. Mel and I went through the first act and then Beth talked to Mel for a bit (they had rehearsed privately before this) and then talked to me about suicide for a bit*. Mel had another rehearsal at six, so Beth and I talked about how to play a formerly suicidal person, how taking a bunch of pills doesn't have the effect you think it might*, disassociating and how that is a thing I could incorporate into this experience, etc. It went really well and I enjoyed talking to her. We exchanged numbers and she said call if I'm ever heading down the rabbit hole myself, which was sweet. I hope we still end up talking even after the show is over, but we'll see. I said to let me know if she does any other plays I might be good in. Hopefully we talk again later after she has more director thoughts.

* Remember, THAT'S WHAT THE PLAY IS ABOUT. Please do not lose your minds that I'm going to off myself after my workday because I'm talking about it.. The Dorothy Parker poem "Resume" sums up why I will not be doing it even when things are awful. I may have peeked over the edge on tiptoe, but have never actually approached it for real. Everyone has those thoughts at some point, most likely..

In other news, I'm a storytelling mailing list for alumni of Lisa's storytelling classes. I never actually went to any of their IRL meetings since they held them at 4:30 p.m. (I may be the only non-retiree on it) but they seem fine with having me on the mailing list, so what the heck. Anyway, some folks have been all "We want to do SOMETHING about the political situation" and I was all, well, you could have a storytelling event, you'd just need the right people (i.e. uh...not white ones, which I suspect may be most of the list. I forget which folks I've met in person off of it at this point other than Jan (who I take the online classes with), but most of the folks who do storytelling are over 65 and white that I've seen). i said I'd run a Zoom meeting in 2 weeks if they want to hold one since I've got the bandwidth for it. Lisa the instructor agreed with finding PoC to do it, and suggested going to a workshop I've signed up for with Betsaida next week (though given my rehearsal schedule next week, we'll see if I make it or not (it's at 6, usually I'm done by 6, so I took a chance) on listening to stories.

Anyway, I volunteered to host, we'll see if enough folks actually want to do the thing. I also said I'm signed up for a lecture on virtual storytelling in a few days, so will gather tips. But hell if I know who to recruit as people of PoC since most of the ones I've met were at storytelling events elsewhere/lived out of this area/not on the mailing list and as a shitty white person, am I the one to be running it or asking? Heck no.

Really, I just wanna be a performer, because THAT is my path (service is....not, it's just what I have to do to live, though they did go on about my "path" for awhile, wtf?), I just can't make a living and have health insurance for that. Again, another thing I wish my work would get. I just wish they'd have sympathy that I'm doing shit that's hard for me, or not nitpick every single fucking thing I do, or well, anything that wasn't so hard.

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