Chaos Attraction

Another Day In Which I Suck

2022-12-17, 7:21 p.m.

(Since I posted a Friday entry too early, as it turns out, here's what happened Friday.)

I am officially doing the light board for Cabaret and ordered my show sweatshirt, so that's happening. I go to the first full show rehearsal Wednesday. I probably need to have an awkward conversation with Mom about this. Like Steve knows I wasn't going to be around for the first three days, but I'm kinda concerned about doing the lights right if I'm not there...I dunno, we'll see. I'm wondering if the gala is going to be canceled if there's not enough people going because it's not a whole lot so far and I don't know what the minimum they need is. Last year they didn't quite say but figured it was probably not going to happen with covid, so... ??? If it gets canceled, then I probably wouldn't be needed for Early Tech Week (hence this issue about me missing the first few days) and we'd have no problem there....I dunno. I don't want it to be canceled, that sucks, but it would mean I don't have to have Awkward Conversation With Mom if it is :P

I have confirmed with my therapist that I'll have a session on Tuesday, though probably not the two after that (Mom being around for the first and me being told I have to cancel for work emergency on the second one, sigh). She asked if I was ok and I said, "if we're having a session, I'll get into it then."

Work: let's get this over with...I had my THIRD bad performance review with two bosses...sigh. I felt like the movie Click, like "can we please not rehash this all in great detail for a third time?!?" NewBoss is very nice about things and frankly, I don't think she agreed that I got "doesn't meet expectations at all" on my specialty, notes that I'm great about explaining things/training her. Literally the nitpicks for this were "we want to make all decisions about shipping" and "you had a bunch of Important Documents in the office instead of in the call center" (note: this is because me and my teammates were working on stuff with them and the general office public wasn't) and um...we already went over this? Do we need to again? I feel like this has been covered. "That's all you had to say, okay," again.

This was followed by more potential threats of firing for being a fuckup again and again--not surprising, I have no idea why I haven't been fired if I am nothing but a failure for the last ten years, other than "you're one of the kindest people I know," per OldBoss. (Me: "wait, what was that again?!") I can't even explain why I continue to fuck up at one particular thing for ten years, other than I just don't get it and never have. I'm not sure anyone other than my boss...four or five bosses ago? got that stuff in full, even OldBoss admits she doesn't get some of it. I'm not defending myself in any way here, I'm utterly guilty and bad,'s fucking hard and complicated and hell if I know to this day.

And finally, turns out when I thought I was saying last week, "please don't put me on front counter shifts when it's known to be busy, i.e. the first two weeks of each season," when we were talking about scheduling training, they thought I said "never ever put me on a busy time ever" and they were Not Okay With That and I got lectured about how I have to be there for busy shifts and it could be a busy emergency at any time. I was all I JUST MEANT DURING TRAINJING Y'ALL I DID NOT SAY NOT EVER, obviously that's not going to happen, but I get written up more for every single action I take with regards to other humans, so putting me the idiot out there when it's super busy and even they don't think I'm that trained enough...sigh.

At least it's my last day for the entire year, thank gawd. I wish it wasn't such an issue of "I keep working a job I suck at so I have good health insurance in case I get diagnosed with something awful in the future" and "I suck at everything and can't get another job," though.

I cleared out the last of my projects to work and emails, so that's done. I also bought tickets online (while I had access to a printer) to both "Imaginarium 360" and "Enchant Sacramento," which are two big ol' light/nighttime events going on. Realizing I only have about two nights I can go see them on between being out of town and then Cabaret, I'm going to go Sunday after the play to one and then Tuesday to the other. Imaginarium was about $27 (plus $10 parking), but the other one, once you threw in parking, came to like $58. This is ridiculous cash for the thing, but I'm really curious and I wanna see it once to see if it's worth going. I asked others if they want to go and everyone said no,

We had a lovely knitting group Zoom today, as people besides me and Yemi (Rachel and Other Jennifer) popped in. So yay for that.

PACKAGEGATE is somewhat over, or at least we now have three out of five lost packages (the rest to come next week when no one's here). Which is to say they finally showed up at the UPS store midafternoon and I had to scramble around to find some manager to get it, because management keeps reiterating to me that I am a peon and can't do things like "walk over and get a package even though I volunteered a bunch of times when I'm RIGHT THERE." NewBoss had left for the day by the time it happened, OldBoss was also not in the office/doing...whatever, and I was told to get another manager in the office to do it. I note she hadn't been informed of this and was a bit surprised, but willing to. When she got back, she was all, "They didn't even CARE that I wasn't (Great-Grandboss) and they were totally disorganized. But at least they didn't charge me $5!"

So I spent the last 45 minutes of the day busting arse to get packages repackaged for pickup...whenever. Our office closes to the public next week and I don't think(?) anyone has to come in at all, so I don't think anyone's picking them up before my return...and then two people literally wanted to come into the office to pick up, so I was all "good news, they're here! Bad news is you can't get them for two weeks!"

On a related note, a tentative end(?) to the strike was mentioned, or at least it has to be ratified by the union but something was agreed to, anyway. I figured things were going to keep on as is until mid-January (mostly because that's about the time where people would LOSE THEIR MINDS), so this is faster than I'd expect.

I did have my singing lesson with Morgan, we did "A Trip To The Library." I have the sheet music now so I was trying to follow along with that, The fast-paced bits were hard for that, but we mostly drilled other notes and getting into chest voice today.

Quotes of hers I attempted to write down: "Notes are important!" "I'm nitpicking because I can!" (Not in an obnoxious way.) The whole song is chest voice and "if you don't know, a chest voice is a safe bet."

I note I told her I'm doing light board for Cabaret and asked if the gala was likely to be canceled if it didn't get enough tickets sold (I counted 37 today) and she said nah, they just haven't put out the fliers yet. So...? Anyway, we've scheduled lessons on the next two Thursdays, before and after my trip to the old hometowne.

I did not end up going to elf show, round two tonight. Reasons:

(a) Robert has been texting me saying he still feels pretty sick and is coughing everywhere, and (reasonably) said he wasn't going to go tonight. I asked if the doctor said he was still contagious and doctor apparently had no idea or any assistance other than "ride it out" (????), so...yeah, if he coughs constantly, maybe he shouldn't be out.

(b) Janene would be there but working concessions, which means I can't exactly hang out with/talk to her either.

(c) I was going to go a second time to see friends, and if that's not happening, fuck it,

(d) I did NOT get to eat before the show and I'm starving, so fuck it.

He did say I could contact Redhead Sarah/Scott to go and I said I'm not bothering: there's always something gong wrong with her and she can't make it, and...Scott has been a jerk to me and I give up on him, I'm just going to be polite in public and that's it. He didn't ask what happened, other than to say sorry and he gets why I don't want to hang out with them. I said I'd hang out with Sarah, but she'll always have something (he didn't comment on that). I did ask, "So why didn't you ask them to go like you said you wanted to?" and never got an answer to that one. Hmmmmmmm. Like he's the one who invited people originally.... ???

Anyway, I was totally right on the "this get-together isn't going to happen" thing, so now I am home stuffing my face. I seriously just cannot stop being hungry on some level lately, like there's a tiny gnawing hunger that continues even when I'm otherwise sick of eating food. It's so annoying.

Oh yeah, and I found out that while Scott certainly didn't want to go to MY show, he went to Arielle's tonight. Which was a long way away from where he lives and quite expensive (I was looking into going, but it was really pricey and sold out for the day I was looking at) and a ballet show, of all things. I guess he REALLY wanted to go to that one. Unlike mine.

I know what my worth is now. It is nothing.

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